For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
ENGAGED WOMAN'S WORKOUT PARTNER IS COMING ON STRONG
DEAR ABBY: I am 24, and after four years of dating have recently become engaged to "Zack." We are very much in love, and quite frankly, until lately I never could have imagined myself with anyone else.
Last week, one of my co-workers -- I'll call him Keith -- confessed to me that he's developed a crush on me -- and the more I think about it, the more I feel a mutual attraction. Keith has been a good friend over the years. We work out together on a regular basis in the company gym and have shared many lunches. Abby, I am confused. I find myself thinking about Keith more than my fiance.
Keith has always been easy to talk to. I wish Zack and I could have the conversations I'm able to share with Keith.
The last thing I want to do is wreck my engagement. How can I stop this confusion and once again focus on my relationship with my fiance? Help! -- S.O.S. ASAP IN THE SUNSHINE STATE
DEAR S.O.S.: Let's analyze this situation. Why did Keith wait until you were engaged to Zack before declaring his feelings? Could it be that once you were "taken" you became safe -- and not a threat to his freedom? Many men find women who are married, engaged, going steady, etc., easier to talk to and even more attractive than those who are available.
Do not allow yourself to be distracted from a relationship that has worked for four years. Limit your workouts with Keith and put your energy into developing better communication with Zack.
DEAR ABBY: For more than a year, I have been a live-in caregiver for a sweet 94-year-old lady I'll call Ethel. For the most part, Ethel has enjoyed good health. We have a lot of fun together.
Last week, when we went on our weekly outing to the beauty shop and lunch, I noticed how loud her voice was in the restaurant. She attracted the stares of several diners. Ethel has also begun chewing with her mouth open, completely unaware of how she appears.
I want to let her know that she isn't acting like the well-mannered lady she's been in the past, but I don't know how to tell her without hurting her feelings. Please give me some advice on how to broach the subject. There is only one restaurant in our small town, and Ethel dearly loves our weekly meal there. Thanks, Abby. -- EMBARRASSED IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR EMBARRASSED: Tell Ethel what you have observed about her hearing loss and schedule a visit with her doctor. She needs a referral to have her hearing checked. While you're there, mention to the doctor the change in her table manners. Any abrupt change in the behavior of a person is something his or her physician should know about.
Please don't be reticent or embarrassed. You are her caregiver, and it is your obligation to inform her physicians what you observe.
DEAR ABBY: I have a wedding etiquette question. Twice within the last month, I've been invited to a bridal shower without receiving an invitation to the wedding.
I have witnessed a social blunder or two in my day, but this takes the cake. Are you with me on this, Abby? -- DISGUSTED IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR DISGUSTED: To invite someone to a bridal shower who will not be invited to the wedding is a breach of etiquette. However, before becoming angry about it, please consider that this was ignorance on the part of the couple or the families.
WOMAN WHO COPES WITH PAIN INSPIRES TEEN TO DO THE SAME
DEAR ABBY: "Smiling Through the Pain," a reader who has suffered with chronic pain since childhood, offered some wonderful suggestions to other people in her predicament.
I am 13, and I want her to know her message was very inspirational to me and helped me to realize a lot. I have depression and suffer from an obsessive-compulsive disorder called trichotillomania (hair pulling). I have considered suicide and I am in therapy.
When I read that letter, I felt like "Smiling Through the Pain" was talking directly to me. It made me realize that there IS a way to bounce back from the pain I have been experiencing.
I would like to thank that person for giving me back the hope that I lost a long time ago. -- A NOT-QUITE TYPICAL TEEN IN VIRGINIA
DEAR TEEN: I'm sure the writer will be as delighted as I was to read your letter. I wish you continued success in therapy. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Like "Smiling Through the Pain," I, too, suffer from chronic pain. When my doctor told me that there were no medications at this time that would make the pain go away, I asked, "How am I going to endure this?"
She replied, "Live one day at a time. Live each day to the fullest. Laugh heartily, love deeply, pray daily -- and let the rest roll off."
I then asked, "How am I going to live with the pain?"
She said, "Surround yourself with positive things -- positive people, sunshine, rainbows, roses, puppies and kittens."
After reflecting upon what she had said, I realized that this is a great prescription for anyone's life. That doctor probably saved mine. Not only did she give my monstrous disease a name, she helped me to make my life worth living again.
I have good days and bad. I curse the bad ones and praise God for the good ones. The "good" pain comes when I have accomplished what I wanted to do that day. The "bad" pain comes when I refrain from doing what I want to do -- and hurt anyway.
Every day I get up, get dressed and have something planned to do. And, Abby, I try to perform at least one act of kindness for someone each day. Regardless of my pain, it makes each day seem fuller.
I hope you will find this letter appropriate to share with your readers. If it helps someone else who is hurting (for whatever reason), then my effort will not have been in vain. -- TRYING TO SMILE THROUGH THE PAIN, PARK HILLS, MO.
DEAR TRYING: I don't know what act of will it took for you to compose your letter, but it is certainly worth space in my column. Your doctor is a wise woman, and you are far more than a survivor. Your philosophy will help more people than you know, and on my behalf and theirs, I thank you for sharing it. I wish you continued success in your daily battle. You are an inspiration.
DEAR ABBY: I am 13 and have an older sister who ruins our family vacations. She turns everything into an argument and makes it impossible to enjoy family time together. We're going on a two-week trip soon and I don't want it to be a disaster. How can I get my sister to behave and not start World War III? -- SISTER TROUBLES IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR SISTER: You are not responsible for your sister's behavior. Don't give her the power to spoil your vacation. When she acts out, distance yourself and tune her out. It appears you are more mature at 13 than she is.
If things do not improve soon, suggest to your parents that you ALL get to family counseling. It will be an opportunity to express your feelings with a professional therapist who will listen and help to improve your family's interaction.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Parent's Intervention Gets Teen the Help She Needs
DEAR ABBY: I had to write after reading the letter from "No Name, City or State," the 17-year-old boy who was scared because when he tries to break up with his girlfriend, she cuts herself.
Several years ago, my teenage daughter had a slumber party. "Lynn," one of my daughter's friends, was one of the guests. During the night, Lynn began cutting herself and tried to attack another girl with a broken mirror. My daughter woke me, and I called the sheriff's department. They came and took Lynn to a hospital.
We didn't see her for two years, but six months ago Lynn dropped by our home. She hugged us and started to cry. She said, "Thank you so much for caring enough to DO something. I see now that I was crying for help." Lynn is still in therapy and under treatment for depression.
Abby, that young man should not hesitate to do whatever needs to be done to get his girlfriend the help she needs. -- A MOM IN THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS
DEAR MOM: The young man has already taken a giant step in the right direction. He has defined the problem and asked an adult (me) what to do about it.
Your experience clearly illustrates the benefit of taking immediate action and getting a person who is a threat to herself and others into the medical system.
DEAR ABBY: This morning my husband of five years, "Frank," called me by his ex-wife's name. It made me furious because it's something he's done from time to time. I'm still fuming and have managed to avoid him all day.
Don't get me wrong. I'm cordial to Wife No. 1. I make every effort to cooperate with her because of the children involved -- but being called by her name is like a slap in the face.
If I tell Frank, I know he'll say I'm overreacting. What do you think, Abby? -- WIFE NO. 2 IN TEXAS
DEAR WIFE NO. 2: Go to the stationery store and buy some "Hello, my name is ( )" stickers. Plaster one on your shoulder and one on your nightie. That should get his attention and your message across without being heavy-handed.
DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a gentleman I'll call Clint for about a month. We are both divorced, in our early 40s and live 10 minutes apart. Clint has two children.
When Clint calls, I always make myself available -- even if it's 11 p.m. or later. He usually spends the night with me, then leaves first thing in the morning. My problem is he never wants to take me out anywhere, like to dinner and a movie. If he doesn't come to my house, I'll go to his -- and we always end up in bed.
Am I setting myself up for disappointment? Your thoughts, please. -- WANTING MORE IN BUFFALO
DEAR WANTING MORE: It depends on what you want from this relationship. You have described a bed partner, not a life partner. Tell Clint exactly how you feel about this arrangement. You'll know where this ship is heading by his reaction.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)