For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wedding Hostess Walks Out When Job Goes Into Overtime
DEAR ABBY: I was recently asked to be a "hostess" in a wedding. When I asked the bride what exactly my duties would be, she said I would pass out programs and make sure that all the wedding guests signed the guestbook. The bride also requested that I buy a $200 matching bridesmaid dress -- which I did. With hotel and travel, the weekend cost me more than $1,000.
On the morning of the wedding, I was immediately put to work assembling plastic champagne flutes and placing favors and name cards on tables, etc. While I was doing this, the wedding party was having their pictures taken. I was not invited to be in a single photo. I also missed the entire wedding ceremony because I was assigned the job of arranging flowers in the reception hall. I was the only member of the wedding party who was expected to work in this manner.
At the reception, I was instructed to escort the bride and groom and the others to their tables. It was a task I found insulting. I was also asked, via a typed "task list" handed to me by the bride's aunt, to pour cider for the 300 guests. I was so upset, I left the reception before any cider pouring.
Do you think the bride was out of line -- or am I out of tune with what is expected of a "hostess"? (I have rescinded my invitation for her to be a member of my wedding. Too rash?) -- FEELING USED IN STOW, OHIO
DEAR FEELING USED: I don't blame you for feeling used. You were treated shamefully. You were a victim of "bait and switch." Your duties should have ended when the ceremony began. Instead, you paid $1,000 to be treated like a caterer.
I don't blame you for not wanting to be reminded of this incident at the time of your own wedding. So don't second-guess yourself about your decision to uninvite this "blushing bride."
DEAR ABBY: I am a happy-go-lucky 15-year-old girl. My parents have a good marriage, and for the most part we enjoy a great home life. I'm an only child. My problem is my dad. He insists that I go on a diet, and until I do, he won't let me participate in my favorite activity in the world -- ice skating.
I am 5 feet 3 inches tall and weigh 135 pounds. I don't feel or look overweight, and I am not an overeater. I don't understand my dad's reasoning. It seems to me that exercise is the one thing I need most, and maybe to eat less of those carbs I love.
At the same time, I want to be a normal teen who can occasionally enjoy a sundae or banana split when I'm with friends. I don't want to have to worry about what to tell Dad when he asks me what I ate -- which he always does.
Abby, I need to know how to handle this so I can please my dad and still have fun with my friends. Sign me ... NOT CHUBBY IN LOGAN, UTAH
DEAR NOT CHUBBY: I don't know what has caused your father to fixate on your weight, but before this power struggle goes any further, both of you should schedule an appointment with your pediatrician to discuss the importance of a balanced diet AND healthy exercise. Please don't wait. Clip this column and show it to your dad.
GIRL BEING ABUSED BY FATHER MUST REACH OUT NOW FOR HELP
DEAR ABBY: I am a young girl with a problem. My dad beats me and sexually abuses me. When I lock myself in my bedroom, he says he's going to change the doorknob so it doesn't lock. I can't tell anybody because I am ashamed of what they will think. What can I do? Help! -- ASHAMED IN OHIO
DEAR ASHAMED: You have nothing to be ashamed of. When a young person is physically and sexually abused, it is never the victim's fault. It is urgent that you tell a trusted adult what is going on.
If you don't know anyone you feel you can trust to help you, pick up the phone and call Childhelp USA. The hotline number is (800) 422-4453. Tell the counselor what you have written to me, and that I told you to call. He or she WILL help you. Your call will be kept strictly confidential.
Please let me hear from you again. You are in my prayers.
DEAR ABBY: When I recently visited a longtime friend who had moved out of state, she refused to let me take her picture. She said it was because she had put on weight and was self-conscious about it.
I love her no matter what, and I thought she was overreacting. I just wanted some pictures for my photo album. I managed to sneak a few shots of her when I thought she wasn't aware. (I figured she would eventually change her mind and thank me.)
After I returned from the visit, I noticed a couple of rolls of my film were missing from my suitcase. I suspect she confiscated the rolls behind my back. I want to confront her, but my husband says I should leave it alone. What do you think? -- PICTURE-PERFECT IN POTTSTOWN, PA.
DEAR PICTURE-PERFECT: Why are you offended that she did something behind your back, after what you did behind hers? I agree with your husband. Leave it alone. Two negatives don't make a positive.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Howie," and I were married right out of college. We are now 27. When we were dating, we shared our life goals. Howie planned on going to medical school. I aspired to (and did pursue) a career in interior design so that when we had children I could work from home.
It's now five years later. Howie has taken the MCATs (medical college admission tests) but scores poorly because he never takes the time to study or take the preparatory classes. I'm frustrated, because he seems to want a different career every three months. He has talked about becoming a college professor and a biologist. But it is all talk and no action. I'm beginning to wonder if we'll ever be financially secure enough to start a family.
A couple of months ago, Howie told me he was going to become a paramedic. Last week he dropped another bomb -- he wants to join the Army. I think it's a mistake for anyone as indecisive as my husband to join the military because he won't be able to back out when he changes his mind in three months. He claims he has "always" wanted to serve his country, but this is the first I've heard of it in the seven years I have known him. I wish Howie had told me this was his life goal when we were dating.
My friends tell me I should tell my husband to grow up and accept his responsibilities. I love him, but I want to get off this emotional roller-coaster. I haven't slept well in months, and we rarely speak without an argument erupting. What should I do now? -- FEEL LIKE A YO-YO IN COLORADO
DEAR YO-YO: Your husband is floundering. He needs you right now, so calm down.
Ask your husband to promise you that before he joins the military or pursues any other "career moves," he will consult his doctor and arrange to be tested for adult attention deficit disorder. That may be the reason he is unable to focus long enough to choose a career and stay on the path to attain it.
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TEENS RACING TO BE PARENTS SHOULD SHIFT TO SLOWER GEAR
DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and ready to have a baby. My boyfriend, "Matt," is 16 and says he is ready, too. You should see how sweet and considerate he is around children.
As soon as Matt gets his car fixed, we are leaving New Jersey and not looking back. Before we go, I'd like to know what you think, Abby. Do you think I am ready to have a baby and raise it? -- A.M. IN N.J.
DEAR A.M.: Babies are a full-time job because they are completely dependent. You and Matt would be doing your future children a huge favor if you both complete your educations and become financially stable before embarking on this "project."
I have long urged women to be financially independent before having children. Matt may be a terrific young man, but what would happen to you and the baby if something were to happen to him? Before leaving New Jersey and not looking back, please read the next letter:
DEAR ABBY: I am 16 years old and have a 5-month-old daughter. I thought her father and I would be together forever, but I was wrong. I was in love with him for more than two years.
My problem is, I can't seem to find a boyfriend who is right for me. Some boys don't mind that I have a baby, but all they want to do is go out with their friends. After a long day of feeding, changing and taking care of my daughter, I want someone at home to comfort ME. Is there anything wrong with that? -- LOVESICK IN NEW YORK
DEAR LOVESICK: Of course not. It's understandable. Mothers need nurturing, too. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and more mature than many teenagers my age. I have to be, since I am more than eight months pregnant. The baby's father, "Rob," and I are engaged and have been since before we conceived. Rob is also 19, but not as mature as I am. He still wants to go out with his friends, which is fine because we are both young. However, he doesn't understand that we must find free or inexpensive activities because our money needs to go toward baby things -- clothes, blankets, diaper service, etc. I think Rob neglects me emotionally because he is scared of growing up. I think he may even be in denial that I am pregnant.
Abby, I have prayed about this and believe that Rob and I are meant to be together. I know he loves me, but sometimes I wonder if we met too soon in life.
Do you think we should take a short break from each other? I can't ask my family because they don't like Rob, and Rob's parents don't like me. Any suggestions? -- E.W. IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR E.W.: Before "taking a break" from your boyfriend, consult a lawyer regarding child support and custody issues. A short break could become a long one if the father of this child is deeply enough into denial. Please don't wait. You're already eight months along. Make that call today.
DEAR ABBY: Will you please settle a disagreement between my daughter and me? When is a child too old to be held? My 11-year-old grandson likes to sit on my lap when we watch television. He has been doing this since he was a baby.
My daughter says he is too old to be held. She says I baby him too much. What do you think? -- LOVING GRANDMA IN OMAHA
DEAR LOVING GRANDMA: If he shows signs of immaturity in other areas, it could be a problem. If not (and he's not too heavy), hold your grandson tight. The truth is, many of us would give anything to sit on a loving grandmother's lap again.
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