For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Sweethearts on Lovers' Lane May Be Heading for a Crash
DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old married woman, and I dearly love my husband and child. However, I think I've fallen head over heels for my "first love" (I'll call him Cliff) all over again.
I recently ran into Cliff at the hardware store, and after talking a while, we went riding around in his car -- just like we did when we were in high school. Then we parked and started making out.
Cliff confessed that for the past 10 years he's felt HE was meant to be my husband, and letting me go was the biggest mistake of his life. The terrible thing is, now I'm wishing I had married him, too.
For the past month we've been secretly meeting downtown three times a week. All we do is drive around, park and neck -- nothing more. When I'm with him, I feel like a teenager again. I still love him, Abby, and I'm so confused I cry in my pillow. Sign me ... BACK IN LOVERS' LANE
DEAR BACK IN LOVERS' LANE: You may be just "two teenagers in love" in your fantasies, but in reality you're two adults who are begging for trouble. You're playing a dangerous game that could devastate your husband and affect your child. Before any more clandestine meetings, it's time to sit down and sort out what's really important to you. Counseling can help you discover what is missing in your marriage that has made a second adolescence so appealing. Don't put it off.
DEAR ABBY: I need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. He was adopted by loving parents who gave him everything. But he has just found his birth mother, and they seem to want to catch up on lost time.
My problem is I can't seem to stop resenting that his mother came back into his life. I feel very left out, and as if my time has been usurped by another woman. Don't get me wrong. I am happy for him, but I no longer feel that I am his No. 1 priority.
I tried talking to my boyfriend about this, and he acts like he understands my feelings -- but he also says it seems I want him to choose.
How can I stop feeling this way? -- LEFT OUT IN LAREDO
DEAR LEFT OUT: First of all, understand that what is going on is not about you; it's all about him and his need to understand who he is and where he came from. Like any new relationship, it is distracting in the beginning, but will subside in time. So be patient. Realize that what a man feels for his mother is not what he feels for his girlfriend. Don't take this personally, and above all, do not allow yourself to be put into a "her or me" situation. If you do, you might win the battle, but you'll surely lose the war.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old male student and I have a huge crush on my summer school teacher, "Miss Bodacious." She doesn't notice me and it's driving me crazy. I'm losing my mind. I hate it! Please help. What should I do to calm my raging hormones? -- GOT IT BAD FOR "BOD" IN DELAWARE
DEAR GOT IT BAD: In a word, SUBLIMATE. It's time to take the energy you are devoting to fantasizing about your teacher and channel it into something else -- like sports activities. Not only will it give you less time to think about "Miss Bodacious," but you'll be so tired when you're done that you won't have the energy. (Cold showers also help.) Good luck!
DEAR ABBY: After a six-year relationship with my boyfriend, "Rudy," I have learned that he's been shacking-up with another woman. I am devastated.
I was sometimes suspicious about Rudy's living situation. He told me he was renting a room from his longtime friend, "Lorna," but I was never invited in. Rudy's explanation was that since it wasn't his home, he didn't feel comfortable having company.
You guessed it, Abby. Lorna, the "longtime friend," turned out to be my Rudy's lover. The way I found out was humiliating. Last Sunday, I dropped by to visit him because he had told me on the phone the night before that he had stomach flu. When I rang the doorbell, an older man opened the door and identified himself as Lorna's father.
When I asked if I could come in and see Rudy, the old man told me that Lorna and Rudy were away on a Caribbean cruise. My jaw dropped. When I introduced myself as Rudy's girlfriend, and my 15-month-old as Rudy's child, HIS jaw dropped.
How could the man I love, the father of our precious baby, have pulled off this double life? I'm hurt and angry, but I know I must pull myself together for my daughter. How will I control myself when that two-timer has the nerve to show his face at my door? Can you give me some advice? -- TWO-TIMED IN BOSTON
DEAR TWO-TIMED: Your boyfriend is an accomplished user. He has taken advantage of you and Lorna, too -- so please don't think you are alone in your situation. What you say to him when he shows up is up to you. Fortunately, you have some time to prepare your speech. I'm sure it will be a dilly.
Before you do, however, it is imperative that you consult a lawyer and establish child custody rights and a support payment schedule for the benefit of your little girl. Let's hope that Rudy is willing to be a more responsible father than he has been a boyfriend.
DEAR ABBY: I look at myself and wonder how I got here. I am almost 23 and feel like a blank slate. When I was in high school, I had a 3.8 GPA. I had drive and purpose and knew exactly where I was headed.
Now I am tired all the time. College has taken a toll on me. I am overweight, a "C" student, and completely burned out. I've held a couple of part-time jobs, but nothing that excites me. I am at a crossroads. I have no idea where to go from here.
I have a few acquaintances, but no close friends. Boredom and loneliness fill my days. What do I do? Start over and try to fix things? I don't know whether to take time off from college or continue to grin and bear it. Maybe I should just lie down and die.
All I know is I'm tired of feeling like I have nothing to offer anyone. I am not happy with the road I've chosen, but don't know what other avenue to take. Abby, what can I do to feel alive again? -- CO-ED IN CENTRAL CALIFORNIA
DEAR CO-ED: You are exhibiting signs of depression. Go to the student health center and tell them exactly how you are feeling. Once you are treated -- medically and/or psychologically -- find out if your school offers career counseling. It will help you to understand where your strongest attributes lie and what your alternatives are.
You are clearly bright and success-oriented. Many people have more than one career in a lifetime. Select something you enjoy -- something that stimulates your creativity and makes you feel good about yourself. I guarantee you'll discover you have much to contribute -- and much to live for. Let me hear from you in three months. I care.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
SON SHOULD BE IN DOGHOUSE FOR WAY HE'S TREATING MOM
DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, my 35-year-old son, "Gary," split up with his girlfriend and got custody of their dog -- a 2-year-old, 85-pound Labrador retriever named Blondie. His new apartment had a "no pets" policy, so I agreed to take Blondie. She is a wonderful dog and I love her dearly.
Now history is about to repeat itself: After several moves, Gary is relocating and wants me to adopt his new dog -- a pit bull he calls Priscilla. I refused because I don't want the responsibility of another animal. Gary says I'm selfish, uncooperative and disloyal. I suggested that he find Priscilla a new home, but he keeps pressuring me to take her. Each time I refuse, it exacerbates the situation and is affecting our relationship.
Gary recently came up with a plan that just about broke my heart. He wants me to send Blondie to an animal shelter and keep Priscilla! My response to that was, "Absolutely not!"
Abby, am I selfish, uncooperative and disloyal? -- BLONDIE'S FRIEND IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR FRIEND: You are none of the above. You are a caring mother who has helped out her son once and knows her limitations. Your son is showing his immaturity by attempting to guilt you into taking the responsibility for Priscilla off his shoulders. Tell him that at 35, it's time to act like a man and contact a pit bull rescue group that will find her the home she deserves.
DEAR ABBY: I have been going with "Bob" for almost three years. We dated through college and graduated last month. In the fall we will both attend law school, I in one town and Bob in another an hour away.
My ex-roommate, "Ellie," is letting me stay with her through the summer until I leave for law school. (Bob, Ellie and I all have summer jobs at the same place.) Things were working out perfectly -- until Bob told me he's attracted to Ellie and wants to take a break from his relationship with me!
Bob says he is no longer sure he's in love with me and wants to see if there's "something there" with Ellie. I am heartbroken, but have agreed to a one-month break from Bob while he tries to figure things out.
Meanwhile, Ellie -- being a friend to both of us -- has announced that she's cutting both Bob and me out of her life until we resolve our problems. She also said that if we don't work things out, she would like to date Bob.
Abby, I'm hurt and offended. I love Bob. We were planning a future together. Now I am filled with doubts and insecurities. And the worst part is, we see each other every day at work. How should I handle this? -- LOST IN LANSING
DEAR LOST: Make the break with Bob permanent. If he was as devoted to you as he should have been, he wouldn't have developed a wandering eye. Also, I don't know how much you need the money from this summer job, but if you can find another to satisfy your financial needs, it will be better for you emotionally.
Ellie appears to respect your friendship. Please don't resent her for what happened. If your romance with Bob wasn't meant to be, you're better off knowing it now.
Look on the bright side. You have a terrific future ahead of you with an opportunity to meet many interesting people. I'm betting you'll meet a new partner in law school.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY BEAUTIFUL MOTHER, PAULINE PHILLIPS, IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy Birthday, Mom! -- Love, Jeanne in L.A.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)