CONFIDENTIAL TO MY BEAUTIFUL MOTHER, PAULINE PHILLIPS, IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy Birthday, Mom! -- Love, Jeanne in L.A.
SON SHOULD BE IN DOGHOUSE FOR WAY HE'S TREATING MOM
DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, my 35-year-old son, "Gary," split up with his girlfriend and got custody of their dog -- a 2-year-old, 85-pound Labrador retriever named Blondie. His new apartment had a "no pets" policy, so I agreed to take Blondie. She is a wonderful dog and I love her dearly.
Now history is about to repeat itself: After several moves, Gary is relocating and wants me to adopt his new dog -- a pit bull he calls Priscilla. I refused because I don't want the responsibility of another animal. Gary says I'm selfish, uncooperative and disloyal. I suggested that he find Priscilla a new home, but he keeps pressuring me to take her. Each time I refuse, it exacerbates the situation and is affecting our relationship.
Gary recently came up with a plan that just about broke my heart. He wants me to send Blondie to an animal shelter and keep Priscilla! My response to that was, "Absolutely not!"
Abby, am I selfish, uncooperative and disloyal? -- BLONDIE'S FRIEND IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR FRIEND: You are none of the above. You are a caring mother who has helped out her son once and knows her limitations. Your son is showing his immaturity by attempting to guilt you into taking the responsibility for Priscilla off his shoulders. Tell him that at 35, it's time to act like a man and contact a pit bull rescue group that will find her the home she deserves.
DEAR ABBY: I have been going with "Bob" for almost three years. We dated through college and graduated last month. In the fall we will both attend law school, I in one town and Bob in another an hour away.
My ex-roommate, "Ellie," is letting me stay with her through the summer until I leave for law school. (Bob, Ellie and I all have summer jobs at the same place.) Things were working out perfectly -- until Bob told me he's attracted to Ellie and wants to take a break from his relationship with me!
Bob says he is no longer sure he's in love with me and wants to see if there's "something there" with Ellie. I am heartbroken, but have agreed to a one-month break from Bob while he tries to figure things out.
Meanwhile, Ellie -- being a friend to both of us -- has announced that she's cutting both Bob and me out of her life until we resolve our problems. She also said that if we don't work things out, she would like to date Bob.
Abby, I'm hurt and offended. I love Bob. We were planning a future together. Now I am filled with doubts and insecurities. And the worst part is, we see each other every day at work. How should I handle this? -- LOST IN LANSING
DEAR LOST: Make the break with Bob permanent. If he was as devoted to you as he should have been, he wouldn't have developed a wandering eye. Also, I don't know how much you need the money from this summer job, but if you can find another to satisfy your financial needs, it will be better for you emotionally.
Ellie appears to respect your friendship. Please don't resent her for what happened. If your romance with Bob wasn't meant to be, you're better off knowing it now.
Look on the bright side. You have a terrific future ahead of you with an opportunity to meet many interesting people. I'm betting you'll meet a new partner in law school.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Son's Death by Drunk Driver Changes Life Forever for Mom
DEAR ABBY: This Mother's Day was my fourth without my youngest son. In June of 1999, he was killed by a drunk driver. My son was only 23 and had his whole life ahead of him.
The driver was a 50-year-old man who pulled out of a bar parking lot onto a main road as though he were the only driver in the world. My son didn't stand a chance. It was 8:30 on a Tuesday night. DUIs can occur any day, any time.
That tragic night not only changed my life forever, but the lives of my son's brother, his grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, a girlfriend and friends. I will never be able to attend his wedding, cuddle his children, or have a relationship with his wife.
I raised two boys and enjoyed their company. How quickly all that changed. I no longer enjoy "happy" or "merry" holidays.
Abby, please warn your readers not to drink and drive. Tragedy caused by a drunk driver can strike any family. -- A MOM CHANGED FOREVER
DEAR MOM: I'm sad to say that's absolutely true. Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragic loss of your son. With the Fourth of July holiday beginning tomorrow, your letter is especially timely.
Readers, relax, give thanks to our founding fathers, but please do not drink and drive.
DEAR ABBY: I am working this summer and saving to buy a new car. The car I have now is fine; I just want something newer.
My problem is, what do I do with my old car when I get a new one? My parents are divorced, but both of them have asked me to sell it to a different brother. I know that when I choose one, the other will be upset and will think I am playing favorites. What should I do? -- ONE CAR/TWO BROS IN KANSAS
DEAR CAR, TWO BROS: It's unfair for you to be placed in the middle. Establish a fair price for the vehicle. Tell both of your brothers what's going on and have them draw a "lucky ticket" out of a hat to see who gets to buy the car. If that is not acceptable, the car should be sold to a third party.
DEAR ABBY: I married a widower who is 40 years older than me. I adore him, but he insists on keeping a portrait of his deceased wife prominently displayed in our living room. (She died 10 years ago.) He also has a sculpture of her head on a pedestal.
This behavior irks me. Please advise. -- SECONDHAND IRIS IN MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR IRIS: Your husband may have had the portrait for so long that he's no longer aware of its presence. Have you told him how you feel about it? If you have, and he's resistant to removing it -- as a compromise, ask him to display it in a less prominent place.
As for the sculpture, when he's not around, throw a towel or a lovely scarf over it and keep your sense of humor. After all, she's just plaster and paint. You are flesh and blood.
DEAR ABBY: This summer I'm getting married to Mr. Wonderful. Jerry and I have been engaged for two years and together for five. The problem? His new hobby -- computer chat rooms.
Maybe I've got the wedding jitters, but this bothers me no end. Lately he's been messaging "Gina" in the U.K. They communicate frequently, and even have pet names for each other. (Jerry calls her "Little British Babe" and she calls him "Jer-Bear.")
Now I have discovered they're exchanging letters, photos and chocolates. Jerry says it's because she misses her favorite U.S. candy -- Hershey kisses.
Abby, am I being paranoid, or is more going on than meets the eye? -- SUSPICIOUS FIANCEE IN NEBRASKA
DEAR SUSPICIOUS FIANCEE: I don't think you are being paranoid. Your fiance should be exchanging kisses (chocolate and otherwise) with you. Tell him to cut out the candy and sweet talk, or you'll go on a "diet" that doesn't include him.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am what you might call a "lazy person." I am 18 and still live at home with my parents.
My mother just told me that I have to be out of the house by September. The thing is, I quit high school and don't have a job. I don't have my GED, but when I do get it, I want to enroll in hairdressing school.
I don't know how my mother and stepfather think I can make it on my own if I don't have the money. How can I convince them that I will need more time? -- FEELING PRESSURED IN CALGARY
DEAR PRESSURED: By giving them a much-needed show of faith. Contact your local department of education and enroll in classes now so you can get your GED. Once you're signed up, contact temp agencies and search the classified section of your newspaper for job openings. I'm betting that once your mom and stepfather see that you are making a sincere effort, they'll relent a little.
Your future is in your own hands, and the next move is up to you.
DEAR ABBY: Is it standard procedure for a woman to keep her husband's name after a divorce? It bothers me that the man I plan to marry already has an ex-wife with his last name. He says it's because of their children. I would like her to go back to her maiden name. -- HE'S NOT YOUR HUSBAND ANYMORE, COLUMBIA, S.C.
DEAR "HE'S NOT YOUR HUSBAND": The kindest advice I can offer is to accept the fact that your intended has baggage. You cannot make his first marriage "disappear." Many women retain their husband's name after a divorce for the exact reason she is doing so. If you marry this man, your name will be "Mrs. John Smith." His former wife is now "Mrs. Linda Smith." You'll all be happier if you just get over it.
DEAR ABBY: I was raised in a small rural community. When I was 8 or 9 years old, I was molested and sodomized. I am now a 61-year-old single man, and I have never been able to have an intimate relationship with anyone.
I was not molested by a priest, preacher, teacher, coach or any adult. I was molested by another child -- a boy of 12 or 13. I knew of three boys in my seventh grade class who were also molested by another boy. By the time I was a senior in high school, I had learned of two more.
The boys who victimized us are now married and have children. At least three of their victims never married. I have no doubt that these abuses continue today. This is NOT an issue of homosexuality or pedophilia. The issue is the dominant, aggressive nature of male sexuality.
Parents must realize that their child is potentially both a victim and an abuser. All boys should be alerted to the possibility that even some of their best friends may have dangerous curiosities -- and no one has more influence over a child than a friend.
Boys must be taught self-respect and respect for the privacy of others. Because of the complexities of our society, we cannot leave the development and socialization of a child's sexuality to chance or to nature. -- ALONE IN ARIZONA
DEAR ALONE: Your letter is troubling as well as thought-provoking. All children should be taught how to say no -- whether verbally or through self-defense -- if they are asked to do something that doesn't feel right and is against their better judgment.
It is imperative that parents also teach children the importance of treating one another with respect. This is a valuable lesson that will benefit them for the rest of their lives.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)