To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Man Douses Flame of Romance by Taking Refuge on the Couch
DEAR ABBY: I started a new job eight months ago. A handsome guy works there, and I waited five months before I asked him out. Since then, we go out to lunch together three days a week and eat in the office the other days. He calls me at home in the morning to see if I want him to bring me a cup of coffee to work. He also shares his thoughts and feelings with me. I like him a lot.
Last Saturday night, I arrived at his apartment and he had candles lit, wine chilled, and served cheese and crackers. It was very romantic. We ate and drank and had a wonderful conversation. A little later, he went to lie on his bed and watch TV. He invited me to lie next to him -- and I did. (Mind you, we have never kissed or anything.) When I reached out to hold his hand, he immediately got up and went to the bathroom. Then he came out with a blanket, walked to the couch, covered himself and went to sleep. I invited him to sleep next to me on his bed -- but he refused. I went home.
I think he's really nice, cute, smart and sweet. Am I rushing things, or do you think he just wants to be friends? (I wouldn't mind being a friend -- with benefits.) What do you make of this situation? -- CONFUSED GAL IN GALVESTON, TEXAS
DEAR CONFUSED: I think you are already "friends." Forget the benefits. Your romance has gone as far as it is going to go.
DEAR ABBY: "Miserable Mom in Tucson," the single mother of two adult sons who ignored her on Mother's Day, reminded me of a similar situation I had to deal with.
About 10 years ago, on both Easter and Mother's Day, I heard nothing from my married son who lives out of state. When my birthday rolled around and he again failed to contact me, I sent his wife a sympathy card. On it, I wrote, "Why didn't you tell me my son had died? I would have come to the funeral!"
Two days later, I got a phone call and a heartfelt apology from my son. Ever since, he has never failed to call me on a regular basis. Sign me ... MOTHER OF INVENTION IN VIRGINIA
DEAR MOTHER: Not only are you clever, you got your point across with humor and without judgment. (Those are qualities we should all develop.)
DEAR ABBY: After going together for more than a year, my boyfriend, "Hank," and I rented an apartment and moved in together. While we were unpacking, Hank showed me a charcoal portrait of his ex-girlfriend wearing only a garter belt and stockings, standing behind a strategically placed tree branch.
Hank told me he's having it custom-framed to hang in our living room. When I protested, he told me it was a gift and he felt obligated to display it. (I want to burn it!)
I've given Hank stacks of photos of myself since we've met, and he hasn't framed a single one. How should I handle this? -- WANTS TO TURN THE CHARCOAL INTO ASHES
DEAR WANTS: Unless you're willing to tolerate living in an apartment with a semi-nude drawing of your boyfriend's ex, tell him in no uncertain terms this is a deal breaker. He may be an "art lover," but if he hangs that portrait, he's making an "ash" out of you.
URBAN WILDLANDS BRING RISK OF WILDFIRE CLOSE TO HOME
DEAR ABBY: I am the wife of a fireman. I have a personal stake in letting your readers know that they can help to protect the lives of wildland firefighters as we experience yet another terrible new fire season. We have already seen those frightening orange flames leaping across our television screens as they are beaten back by firefighters. Brave men and women risk their lives to save communities, while families like ours watch the news and hold our breath.
Twenty-three firefighters lost their lives in wildland fires last year, and more than 6 million acres were reduced to ashes. This year promises to be even more costly.
Millions of Americans live in what is called "wildland/urban interface." These are areas of wild nature into which homes -- and even cities (18,000 communities) -- have been built. Last year, the residents of Denver were shocked to learn that their metropolis is a wildland/urban interface as firestorms swept down from the mountains. When houses are threatened or engulfed, firefighters are at risk. However, homeowners can protect their dwellings and possessions -- and the lives of firefighters -- before the fires race toward them.
Here's what to do: Go to your computer and type in www.firewise.org. Firewise.org is a free service of the U.S. Forest Service, the Red Cross, the National Fire Protection Association and dozens of other government and private entities. This Web site teaches visitors how to "firewise" their homes, imparting precautions homeowners can take to prepare their homes to ride out a wildland fire. You cannot firePROOF a home, but you can fireWISE it, and by doing so, you might save another firefighter's family unending grief. Sign me ... PRECAUTIOUS IN PLACERVILLE, CALIF.
DEAR PRECAUTIOUS: I hope millions of homeowners will take advantage of your helpful suggestion. This nation has opened its heart to firefighters and their families, especially during the last two years. The selfless courage of those dedicated men and women who put their safety on the line as they move into burning buildings or burning wildlands is an inspiration. We owe them, among other considerations, a visit to Firewise.org, which puts preventive measures literally at our fingertips.
And for those readers who are not computer-enabled, you, too, can save a wildland firefighter's family enduring heartache by requesting a free Firewise Homeowner's Guide. Simply write: Firewise, 1 Batterymarch Park, Quincy, MA 02269-9101 and tell them that Dear Abby sent you.
DEAR ABBY: I am a retired airline pilot. My main recreational pastimes are golf and billiards, and I am good at both. However, I become despondent when I play badly, and lately my depression is hard to shake.
I have always had a competitive nature, but realize I'm no fun to be around when I'm down. I need an attitude adjustment so that friends won't shy away from playing with me. Any suggestions, Abby? -- SORE LOSER IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SORE LOSER: There's an old saying: It's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game that counts. You are wise to realize that your quest for perfection has become a problem. The solution is counseling to help you get to the root of -- and deal with -- your obsession with always "winning," and your depression when you don't.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Marriage Founders as Wife and Husband Drift Slowly Apart
DEAR ABBY: I love my husband very much. "Gary" and I have been together for 11 years. However, he seems to be less and less interested in me. We no longer spend time alone together.
Gary works long hours, so it's rare when we share a meal together. Every night before he comes home from his shift, he stops at the local diner and sits with his friends for an hour or so.
When we DO go out, Gary insists we patronize this same diner, so his buddies can sit and join us.
Recently, my husband had surgery. It has temporarily limited his physical activities. He claims to be in too much pain to do anything -- or go anywhere -- with me. But if one of his diner buddies invites him to go somewhere, he's up and out of the house in a heartbeat.
Abby, do I have a legitimate beef? Or should I leave our marriage "as is" and accept it? -- LONELY ON LONG ISLAND
DEAR LONELY: You are being isolated. A successful marriage must be worked on by both parties. If you don't speak up now, you and your husband will continue to drift further apart. So, speak up and tell him that you are concerned about your lack of communication, and offer him the option of marriage counseling.
DEAR ABBY: I am a professional in my mid-20s and have met a great guy over the Internet. I'll call him Randy. Randy is in the military and stationed in Japan. The two of us have been e-mailing and calling each other daily for the past seven months.
Randy will return home next month and we plan to meet for the first time. Neither of us knows what to tell our parents about our Internet romance. I know for a fact that my mom and dad will not approve of my meeting someone in this fashion. But how else can Randy and I explain the "sudden" seriousness of our relationship? -- GENERATION X-ER IN CHICAGO
DEAR GEN-X-ER: I see no reason for either of you to be ashamed about how you met. Many people meet via the Internet these days and form successful unions. Granted, no one should make a decision in haste, but the Internet can be a useful tool in getting to know someone.
DEAR ABBY: My mother is struggling with melanoma. Sadly, I have become extremely familiar with the warning signs, which include moles that are unevenly shaped, a mole that's a different color than the others, or spots that are inflamed or irritated.
Abby, when I see a suspicious spot or mole on a stranger, is it appropriate for me to suggest that he or she be examined by a dermatologist? A young woman sat next to me at a baseball game recently. I wanted to say something to her, but didn't want to offend her or be intrusive.
The truth is, a simple checkup could save a life. What do you think? -- SKIN SLEUTH IN DELAWARE
DEAR SKIN SLEUTH: By all means say something to a stranger if you think it's necessary. When you do, explain WHY you felt it was important to tell him or her. Suggest the person go for a checkup, but do it privately if possible.
I hope your mother is doing well and has a good outcome.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)