What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Contest Invites Communities to Improve Disabled Access
DEAR ABBY: Somewhere in this great country there's a town or city that will win $25,000 and national recognition by entering the National Organization on Disability's 2003 Accessible America contest. Anyone who feels that his or her community is a model of accessibility -- a place where people with disabilities can fully participate just like anyone else -- should encourage the mayor to enter the contest before the Oct. 31, 2003, deadline.
When communities make the commitment to improve accessibility, all of their citizens and visitors benefit. One-fifth of all Americans have some sort of disability. That's why it is crucial that communities ensure a safe and welcoming environment. The Accessible America contest puts a spotlight on those cities and towns that are leaders in improving the quality of life for people with disabilities.
As vice chairman of the National Organization on Disability (NOD), I urge mayors in towns large and small to place a priority on creating a level playing field for all citizens by providing equal access to their services and facilities. I encourage them not only to share their successes by entering the contest, but also to join NOD's Community Partnership Program on behalf of their constituents. It's a great way to learn how best to comply with the Americans With Disabilities Act and to get tips on maximizing access and opportunities. -- CHRISTOPHER REEVE
DEAR CHRISTOPHER: Count me among your many fans. I'm pleased to publicize such a worthwhile endeavor.
Readers, the NOD Community Partnership Program is sponsored by the Alcoa Foundation, and the Accessible America contest is sponsored by UPS. I salute both for their community involvement.
To learn more about the contest, call (202) 293-5960 or visit the NOD Web site: www.nod.org. I'll put the name of the winning entrant in my column in December.
DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and attending summer school. My sister, "Maria," is a year older than me. She's new to our school because she just moved here to live with our mom and me. (She was living with Dad, but he kicked her out.)
Since the day Maria set foot on campus, every guy here is after her -- and I know why. She wears skimpy clothes and has a big chest.
Now every boy I like ends up liking Maria instead of me. I'm sick of it. There's only so much a person can take, and I've reached my limit. Do you have any advice for me, Abby? -- EXASPERATED IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR EXASPERATED: I'll begin with some words for your mother, because she is the person who is going to have to deal with your sister. There is a time and a place for everything. Maria is crying out for attention, but she's getting the wrong kind -- and unless there is intervention, she'll wind up in trouble. Your mother should make it her business to find out what is proper attire at your school and enforce the dress code.
Now, some advice for you: Sibling rivalry is normal -- the attention your sister is attracting is transitory. Concentrate on your grades and on activities at which you can excel. That way, you'll be an outstanding individual in your own right and not just "somebody's sister." Trust me, it'll pay off in the end.
P.S. Please clip this column and show it to your mom.
GIRL NEEDS HELP RELEASING EMOTIONS PENT-UP INSIDE
DEAR ABBY: My recent eighth-grade graduation should have been a happy night for me, but I spent most of it in the bathroom with my best friend, "Sandy." She was crying her eyes out because her father was there. She hadn't seen him for more than two years. Sandy's mother had an affair with him 14 years ago, and he decided to stay with his wife, leaving Sandy and her mother alone. Her father pays child support, but his absence has left an emotional gap you could drive a truck through.
Sandy's mother is a wonderful person, but you can't talk to her about important things. And Sandy isn't open about her feelings to many people. They build up inside her and she just explodes. Seeing her father on graduation night was the straw that broke the camel's back. He seemed uncomfortable. He barely spoke to Sandy and didn't give her a hug or anything. I try to console my friend the best I can, but I'm not sure what to say. Abby, if she starts to feel bad again, what can I say to help her heal her pain? -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN WISCONSIN
DEAR CONCERNED FRIEND: Continue to be the caring and supportive friend you have been. However, rather than trying to heal her hurt, tell your mother what you have observed and ask her to speak to Sandy's mother. Sandy will need counseling and a safe place to express her feelings of hurt and abandonment. If she sees someone now, it could save her years of unhappiness and therapy later. Her feelings are valid and must be addressed.
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter, "Lea," went away to college last year. She was looking forward not only to the opportunity to learn, but also to make new friends. She had made only a couple of friends in high school. During her freshman year at college, Lea made an effort to make friends, but never made more than one.
Lea is returning for her sophomore year, resigned to being one of the less popular students. Have you any suggestions or a booklet of some kind to help her? Lea is a bright, attractive young woman who deserves to have friends. What's her problem, Abby? -- SAD MOTHER IN SANDUSKY, OHIO
DEAR SAD MOTHER: You haven't given me enough information to determine what has prevented your daughter from making friends. However, I do have a booklet that other people have found helpful; it's titled "How to Be Popular: You're Never Too Young or Too Old." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope plus a check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.) Allow six to eight weeks for delivery.
DEAR ABBY: My 38-year-old son was recently sentenced to 14 years in prison for molesting his 10-year-old stepdaughter. I am devastated.
Do you think I should seek out the girl and tell her how sorry I am? She and her mother live several hundred miles away. I feel my son has ruined this young girl's life. -- STEP-GRANDMA IN ALABAMA
DEAR STEP-GRANDMA: By all means let the child know you care about her well-being. Let her know that you empathize with her pain and are there for her. Right now, the girl needs to know that she is loved and that family members support her. You can accomplish this by reaching out.
HARASSED FEMALE OFFICE WORKER SHOULD START TAKING NAMES
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to the letter from "Sick of Being Cupid," the Manhattan, N.Y., office worker who was required to provide female dates to her bosses. As someone who has committed sexual harassment against co-workers in the past, I feel compelled to comment.
If ever there was a case of sexual harassment, this is it. However, Abby, although I agree with your reply, it did not go far enough. "Sick of Being Cupid" should do the following:
(1) In addition to documenting the times and places where she was asked to provide her bosses with "dates" or escorts, she must also document to whom she spoke and what was discussed in terms of what would happen on the date(s) and what, if any, compensation "Sick" was due.
(2) Research the company to see if her bosses have bosses of their own to whom they are accountable.
(3) Find and hire an attorney who specializes in employment law to represent her interests.
(4) Contact the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) offices in the jurisdiction where she works, and file a sexual harassment claim. (The address and phone number should be in the government pages at the front of her telephone directory.)
By punishing her for her inability to provide them with dates, "Sick's" bosses are creating a hostile work environment. Not only is their behavior contemptible, it is also a violation of federal and New York state law. She should not have her job placed in jeopardy by a couple of idiots who can't find dates for themselves. I urge "Sick" to follow my suggestions so that she may receive justice. -- OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE IN OREGON
DEAR OTHER SIDE: It seems you learned these lessons the hard way. I'm sure that "Sick" -- and many other employees -- will find your letter useful. Thank you for writing and welcome back to the human race.
DEAR ABBY: I have a dance recital coming up, and I'm afraid the other girls in my troupe will forget what to do. Can you help? -- WORRIED IN THE NORTHEAST
DEAR WORRIED: Nervousness before a performance is normal. However, the most important thing is to enjoy your time on stage. The way to prevent an embarrassing lapse of memory during a performance is to practice, practice, practice until the routine is second nature to all of you.
DEAR ABBY: My father died a few months ago. Mother is suffering and clearly distraught. They were married 44 years. I love my mom and want to help her, but she is constantly telling me how much "torturous pain" she's in. She has always had a martyr complex and has been needy, dependent and childlike. My mother is healthy and works full time, yet I can't help feeling she is somehow using Dad's death to manipulate me into filling her emotional needs and placing me in the role of parent. (I already have three young children.)
I have suggested to Mom that she go to a bereavement group or see an individual therapist. She heard me, but has done nothing about it. Is there anything else I can do? -- CONCERNED DAUGHTER IN NEW YORK
DEAR CONCERNED: Yes. Take your mother by the hand to some bereavement group sessions. It will give both of you a chance to bring your issues out into the open. Also, if your mother's "pain" (translation: depression) does not begin to abate, inform her doctor. She may need anti-depressant medication to help her through this difficult period.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)