To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: We recently learned that our daughter was molested at a very early age in the 1970s. It went on for nearly a year. We never realized how profoundly molestation affects a child. I had heard it was an awful thing, but I never knew the secrecy, the pain, the shame, the guilt, and how the victims are groomed by their predators. They live in a secret world by themselves -- brokenhearted, in loneliness and fear. They try to run faster than their pain -- and some don't know why because it has been blocked from their memory.
I have heard that four out of 10 women have been molested as children. This is a huge number. There are plenty of victims, but guess what? No predators! They are all "innocent," and protected by families who hide it because they don't know how to handle the problem. They are protected by a gray area of "uncertainty." It remains that way because the authorities are never called to investigate. The parents of the molested child are threatened with a nasty lawsuit. Then the whole family turns against the parents and the victim in order to protect the "sick" one and their own reputations.
Everyone -- individually and collectively -- sticks their head in the sand and refuses to deal with it. Statutes of limitations run out. An unbelievable amount of pressure is put on the parents by the family. Then it is dismissed because "it happened a long time ago."
Meanwhile, as the years pass, the victim becomes progressively more mentally, physically and emotionally sick. She's in and out of hospitals and always on medication. Because now the victim has been rejected and betrayed all over again. If he is "innocent," then she must be "guilty" by default, which reinforces what he told her as a child -- that it was all her fault to begin with.
The burden placed on her shoulders becomes unbearable. And the closer the extended family, the more profound the rejection. Her worst nightmare has come true. Finally, she becomes so physically sick and unnerved that she has a breakdown. She has a hard time finding where "she" is inside herself. The medicines she must take are depressants themselves.
Abby, we struggle every day. I know of four other families where similar molestation, rejection and denial have occurred. Families should wake up to the problem. It's time to bring it out of the closet. I hope you will print some of this letter.
I sign for her ... I DO HAVE A FACE, I DO HAVE A NAME, EVERY CITY, U.S.A.
DEAR I DO: You have written eloquently of a problem that, according to my mail, is widespread and often covered up. I hope your letter will encourage more victims of molestation to pick up the phone and report the crime. And to their extended families: As much as you might be appalled at the charges, molestation -- regardless of when it occurred -- is a serious crime. The victims need all the support they can be given.
DEAR ABBY: Please settle a bet between my mother and me. I say the engagement ring should be worn at the base of the finger, with the wedding band on the outside. Mom says it's the other way around. Who is right? A $5 bill is riding on your answer. Thanks, Abby. -- MOTHER/DAUGHTER DUO IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR DUO: You owe your mom $5. The wedding band is supposed to be worn on the inside -- closest to your heart -- with the engagement ring serving as a "guard" for it.
DEAR ABBY: I am 27 years old and pregnant with my second child. I remarried one year ago and couldn't wait to have my new husband's first baby. My problem is, I am not as excited about having this child as I was my first. Don't get me wrong, I love this baby, but I expected to be more "thrilled" -- and I'm not.
I also feel I am all alone in this pregnancy. Although he hasn't said it, I suspect my husband is repulsed by the amount of weight I have gained. (I am in my seventh month.) I am embarrassed to talk to my doctor about this for fear he will think I am a bad person.
Is there something wrong with me? Help! -- WORRIED MOM IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR WORRIED MOM: Needing support is not being a bad person. Your problem is that you have clammed up at the very time you should be speaking out. It is normal for a pregnant woman to have insecurities. It also is not uncommon for someone who has already had one pregnancy to feel less excited about her second. You should discuss these feelings with both your husband and your doctor.
Please don't worry. You will love your children in different ways -- but equally.
DEAR ABBY: I am 25 and a registered nurse. For three years I've been in a live-in relationship with "Herb." He is 10 years my senior.
I have a history of depression, anxiety and binge drinking. I turned to alcohol when I got depressed over my father's death from a massive heart attack five years ago. I also drink because of lack of love and compassion from my mate.
Herb is unemployed and spends most of his time in front of the computer. If I have so much as a cocktail to wind down after a 12-hour shift, he withholds affection. I feel isolated. I'm afraid he will become angry if I stop for a drink with my colleagues after work.
Herb never asks me how my day was. I know I have problems, but it would be nice to feel supported. He has been physically abusive on multiple occasions. Is there any hope for me, Abby? -- DOWN IN THE DEPTHS IN COLORADO
DEAR DOWN IN THE DEPTHS: Yes, there is. But first you must accept that you have a drinking problem and seek other avenues for resolving your depression. Speak to your doctor and get a referral for treatment.
That said, your drinking is no excuse for Herb to abuse you. Your life will improve as soon as you rid yourself of him.
DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and recently had a baby with "Danny," a guy I've never exactly dated, yet we continue to sleep together. He's gone through two girlfriends since I've known him, but he always comes back to me.
I love Danny, but I know the feeling is not mutual. Should I try to get over him and move on, or should I hang in with the man I love? -- WISHING AND HOPING IN DELAWARE
DEAR WISHING AND HOPING: Please see a counselor. You need to explore why you have allowed yourself to be treated so poorly. Since Danny has never given you any reason to think you are anything more than a nocturnal convenience, it is best that you move on. However, before you do so, consult a lawyer about establishing child support and visitation because Danny does not appear to be a person who will shoulder his obligations willingly.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "GUILTY AND ASHAMED": Please stop punishing yourself over a relationship that ended 50 years ago. Appreciate the fine husband you have and those who love you. If you can't let go, get counseling so you can fully enjoy the reality you have -- instead of grieving over a 1950s teenage fantasy.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOVE TO ASSISTED LIVING GIVES ELDERLY MOM WHAT SHE NEEDS
DEAR ABBY: Please allow me to offer my support to "Wants What's Best for Mom in New York," the woman whose mom is in her 70s. The mother's friends think she is "too young to be in assisted living" despite the memory problems she's having.
As you suggested, talking to them is a great idea. But she should emphasize to these friends that what she's doing is in her mother's best interests. It's relieving her of the burden of cooking, cleaning and paying bills. Relief from these burdens will cause her to relax and think more clearly -- and her socialization will increase. Her nutrition will improve, and she will receive the proper dosage of her prescribed medications -- at the right times. On some level, her mother knows her memory is slipping. Anxiety over that, as well as her responsibilities, causes more anxiety and more memory loss.
I have worked in assisted living for five years. Without feeling guilty, I placed my 79-year-old mother, who had similar problems, in the facility. The stimulation and support of others not only added to her life, but helped her feel she had a better life. She was free of her prior stresses. I have seen hundreds of cases of improved lifestyle, less depression, and more happiness and fulfillment in assisted living. That daughter needs to know she's doing the right thing. -- MICHELE B., ROSELAND, N.J.
DEAR MICHELE: Thank you for the helpful input, and for sharing your personal experience. Now read on for more:
DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Wants What's Best" to do what she needs to do for her mother. Get the assistance she needs and ignore the "well-meaning people." But first of all, take her car keys away from her. If she gets lost and doesn't remember what she's doing in the car, she can no longer drive safely on the roads.
My 18-year-old daughter, Lynae, was killed by a woman with dementia almost five years ago, because no one wanted to interfere with her driving privileges. Lynae was two days away from starting college. She had her whole life ahead of her. But because no one had the guts to take a firm stand, my daughter never had a chance.
Abby, please urge family members to do the "right" thing when they realize that elderly members of their families need help. -- MOTHER OF AN ANGEL IN MINNESOTA
DEAR MOTHER: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragic loss of your daughter. Your letter carries a strong message, and I'm pleased to share it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Since I'm dealing with similar issues as that daughter in New York, it occurs to me that she might not know that in many places -- and with many insurance programs supplementing Medicare -- various services are available that can help to maintain individuals in their homes. It might be less expensive and more satisfying for all concerned to try this alternative before going to assisted living.
In my case, the insurance company provides a care provider who helps with housekeeping, meal preparation, giving meds, bathing, and trips to the doctor, pharmacy, grocery shopping, etc. And all for a minimal co-pay for any visit to provide the needed care. -- DIANE IN INDIO, CALIF.
DEAR DIANE: For some people -- not all -- that's a viable alternative. Families who are interested should check with the local office on aging, local senior centers, the Visiting Nurse Association, their Medicare supplemental insurance provider, Meals on Wheels, and local transportation companies to inquire if they provide free or low-cost transportation for seniors to get to doctors, pharmacies, markets, etc.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)