CONFIDENTIAL TO "GUILTY AND ASHAMED": Please stop punishing yourself over a relationship that ended 50 years ago. Appreciate the fine husband you have and those who love you. If you can't let go, get counseling so you can fully enjoy the reality you have -- instead of grieving over a 1950s teenage fantasy.
DEAR ABBY: I am 27 years old and pregnant with my second child. I remarried one year ago and couldn't wait to have my new husband's first baby. My problem is, I am not as excited about having this child as I was my first. Don't get me wrong, I love this baby, but I expected to be more "thrilled" -- and I'm not.
I also feel I am all alone in this pregnancy. Although he hasn't said it, I suspect my husband is repulsed by the amount of weight I have gained. (I am in my seventh month.) I am embarrassed to talk to my doctor about this for fear he will think I am a bad person.
Is there something wrong with me? Help! -- WORRIED MOM IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR WORRIED MOM: Needing support is not being a bad person. Your problem is that you have clammed up at the very time you should be speaking out. It is normal for a pregnant woman to have insecurities. It also is not uncommon for someone who has already had one pregnancy to feel less excited about her second. You should discuss these feelings with both your husband and your doctor.
Please don't worry. You will love your children in different ways -- but equally.
DEAR ABBY: I am 25 and a registered nurse. For three years I've been in a live-in relationship with "Herb." He is 10 years my senior.
I have a history of depression, anxiety and binge drinking. I turned to alcohol when I got depressed over my father's death from a massive heart attack five years ago. I also drink because of lack of love and compassion from my mate.
Herb is unemployed and spends most of his time in front of the computer. If I have so much as a cocktail to wind down after a 12-hour shift, he withholds affection. I feel isolated. I'm afraid he will become angry if I stop for a drink with my colleagues after work.
Herb never asks me how my day was. I know I have problems, but it would be nice to feel supported. He has been physically abusive on multiple occasions. Is there any hope for me, Abby? -- DOWN IN THE DEPTHS IN COLORADO
DEAR DOWN IN THE DEPTHS: Yes, there is. But first you must accept that you have a drinking problem and seek other avenues for resolving your depression. Speak to your doctor and get a referral for treatment.
That said, your drinking is no excuse for Herb to abuse you. Your life will improve as soon as you rid yourself of him.
DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and recently had a baby with "Danny," a guy I've never exactly dated, yet we continue to sleep together. He's gone through two girlfriends since I've known him, but he always comes back to me.
I love Danny, but I know the feeling is not mutual. Should I try to get over him and move on, or should I hang in with the man I love? -- WISHING AND HOPING IN DELAWARE
DEAR WISHING AND HOPING: Please see a counselor. You need to explore why you have allowed yourself to be treated so poorly. Since Danny has never given you any reason to think you are anything more than a nocturnal convenience, it is best that you move on. However, before you do so, consult a lawyer about establishing child support and visitation because Danny does not appear to be a person who will shoulder his obligations willingly.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOVE TO ASSISTED LIVING GIVES ELDERLY MOM WHAT SHE NEEDS
DEAR ABBY: Please allow me to offer my support to "Wants What's Best for Mom in New York," the woman whose mom is in her 70s. The mother's friends think she is "too young to be in assisted living" despite the memory problems she's having.
As you suggested, talking to them is a great idea. But she should emphasize to these friends that what she's doing is in her mother's best interests. It's relieving her of the burden of cooking, cleaning and paying bills. Relief from these burdens will cause her to relax and think more clearly -- and her socialization will increase. Her nutrition will improve, and she will receive the proper dosage of her prescribed medications -- at the right times. On some level, her mother knows her memory is slipping. Anxiety over that, as well as her responsibilities, causes more anxiety and more memory loss.
I have worked in assisted living for five years. Without feeling guilty, I placed my 79-year-old mother, who had similar problems, in the facility. The stimulation and support of others not only added to her life, but helped her feel she had a better life. She was free of her prior stresses. I have seen hundreds of cases of improved lifestyle, less depression, and more happiness and fulfillment in assisted living. That daughter needs to know she's doing the right thing. -- MICHELE B., ROSELAND, N.J.
DEAR MICHELE: Thank you for the helpful input, and for sharing your personal experience. Now read on for more:
DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Wants What's Best" to do what she needs to do for her mother. Get the assistance she needs and ignore the "well-meaning people." But first of all, take her car keys away from her. If she gets lost and doesn't remember what she's doing in the car, she can no longer drive safely on the roads.
My 18-year-old daughter, Lynae, was killed by a woman with dementia almost five years ago, because no one wanted to interfere with her driving privileges. Lynae was two days away from starting college. She had her whole life ahead of her. But because no one had the guts to take a firm stand, my daughter never had a chance.
Abby, please urge family members to do the "right" thing when they realize that elderly members of their families need help. -- MOTHER OF AN ANGEL IN MINNESOTA
DEAR MOTHER: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragic loss of your daughter. Your letter carries a strong message, and I'm pleased to share it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Since I'm dealing with similar issues as that daughter in New York, it occurs to me that she might not know that in many places -- and with many insurance programs supplementing Medicare -- various services are available that can help to maintain individuals in their homes. It might be less expensive and more satisfying for all concerned to try this alternative before going to assisted living.
In my case, the insurance company provides a care provider who helps with housekeeping, meal preparation, giving meds, bathing, and trips to the doctor, pharmacy, grocery shopping, etc. And all for a minimal co-pay for any visit to provide the needed care. -- DIANE IN INDIO, CALIF.
DEAR DIANE: For some people -- not all -- that's a viable alternative. Families who are interested should check with the local office on aging, local senior centers, the Visiting Nurse Association, their Medicare supplemental insurance provider, Meals on Wheels, and local transportation companies to inquire if they provide free or low-cost transportation for seniors to get to doctors, pharmacies, markets, etc.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: How can I get my stepfather to stop hitting me? He's never caused permanent damage, but it hurts! I don't want my mom to know about it because she loves my stepdad. Plus, he supports my mother and me financially. Before Mom married him four years ago, we had to live with my grandparents because we had no money. Everything would be OK now if I could just find a way of making him stop hitting me. Do you have any suggestions? -- SAD GIRL IN DENVER
DEAR SAD GIRL: Your stepfather should not be hitting you. Please tell your mother ASAP. You are being physically abused, and it must be stopped.
If your mother is unable to stop the abuse, call the Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline at (800) 422-4453 ((800) 4-A-CHILD). Also, there is the Girls and Boys Town National Hotline at (800) 448-3000. Tell the counselor you talk to what you have written to me. All calls are confidential.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Heartbroken in Texas," whose 16-year-old son committed suicide, I would like to share a story with a happier ending. "Heartbroken" couldn't understand why her son's friends didn't alert her.
Three years ago, when my son, "John," and his best friend, "Mike," were young teenagers, I overheard a disturbing phone conversation. My son was saying, "Mike, don't do this! In five or six years none of this stuff will mean anything to you. It will just be a memory!" Later, John came to me and said, "Mom, you have to help Mike. He's talking about committing suicide, and nothing I say seems to help. Last night, he put a rope around his neck to see how it feels."
Although my son had been "sworn to secrecy," he realized someone had to alert Mike's parents. I did -- and soon Mike was in counseling and on anti-depressants. Mike is now a happy teenager with a bright future, and he and my son have an even stronger friendship.
I'm proud of my son for trusting me enough to confide in me so I could intervene. Troubled young people tell their friends because they ARE reaching out for help. As long as parents have a history of trust and communication with their children, we will have more "happier endings." -- THANKFUL MOM IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR THANKFUL MOM: Congratulations on raising a son who knew that saving a life was more important than keeping a secret.
DEAR ABBY: I have seen articles that list questions a person should ask his or her partner before becoming engaged, to ensure a happy marriage.
What do you think the most important questions are, Abby? -- YOUNG LADY WHO NEEDS TO KNOW IN MEMPHIS
DEAR YOUNG LADY: Topics to discuss should include:
1. Are you ready for a monogamous relationship?
2. Are you both ready to establish a family independent of your parents?
3. Are you both self-supporting and capable of supporting each other and any children that come along should the need arise?
4. Are your philosophies about child-rearing and discipline similar?
5. Are your career goals compatible?
6. Do you think alike about sex, religion and politics?
If the answers to the majority of these questions are "yes," then your marriage will probably endure with little conflict.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)