What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOVE TO ASSISTED LIVING GIVES ELDERLY MOM WHAT SHE NEEDS
DEAR ABBY: Please allow me to offer my support to "Wants What's Best for Mom in New York," the woman whose mom is in her 70s. The mother's friends think she is "too young to be in assisted living" despite the memory problems she's having.
As you suggested, talking to them is a great idea. But she should emphasize to these friends that what she's doing is in her mother's best interests. It's relieving her of the burden of cooking, cleaning and paying bills. Relief from these burdens will cause her to relax and think more clearly -- and her socialization will increase. Her nutrition will improve, and she will receive the proper dosage of her prescribed medications -- at the right times. On some level, her mother knows her memory is slipping. Anxiety over that, as well as her responsibilities, causes more anxiety and more memory loss.
I have worked in assisted living for five years. Without feeling guilty, I placed my 79-year-old mother, who had similar problems, in the facility. The stimulation and support of others not only added to her life, but helped her feel she had a better life. She was free of her prior stresses. I have seen hundreds of cases of improved lifestyle, less depression, and more happiness and fulfillment in assisted living. That daughter needs to know she's doing the right thing. -- MICHELE B., ROSELAND, N.J.
DEAR MICHELE: Thank you for the helpful input, and for sharing your personal experience. Now read on for more:
DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Wants What's Best" to do what she needs to do for her mother. Get the assistance she needs and ignore the "well-meaning people." But first of all, take her car keys away from her. If she gets lost and doesn't remember what she's doing in the car, she can no longer drive safely on the roads.
My 18-year-old daughter, Lynae, was killed by a woman with dementia almost five years ago, because no one wanted to interfere with her driving privileges. Lynae was two days away from starting college. She had her whole life ahead of her. But because no one had the guts to take a firm stand, my daughter never had a chance.
Abby, please urge family members to do the "right" thing when they realize that elderly members of their families need help. -- MOTHER OF AN ANGEL IN MINNESOTA
DEAR MOTHER: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragic loss of your daughter. Your letter carries a strong message, and I'm pleased to share it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Since I'm dealing with similar issues as that daughter in New York, it occurs to me that she might not know that in many places -- and with many insurance programs supplementing Medicare -- various services are available that can help to maintain individuals in their homes. It might be less expensive and more satisfying for all concerned to try this alternative before going to assisted living.
In my case, the insurance company provides a care provider who helps with housekeeping, meal preparation, giving meds, bathing, and trips to the doctor, pharmacy, grocery shopping, etc. And all for a minimal co-pay for any visit to provide the needed care. -- DIANE IN INDIO, CALIF.
DEAR DIANE: For some people -- not all -- that's a viable alternative. Families who are interested should check with the local office on aging, local senior centers, the Visiting Nurse Association, their Medicare supplemental insurance provider, Meals on Wheels, and local transportation companies to inquire if they provide free or low-cost transportation for seniors to get to doctors, pharmacies, markets, etc.
DEAR ABBY: How can I get my stepfather to stop hitting me? He's never caused permanent damage, but it hurts! I don't want my mom to know about it because she loves my stepdad. Plus, he supports my mother and me financially. Before Mom married him four years ago, we had to live with my grandparents because we had no money. Everything would be OK now if I could just find a way of making him stop hitting me. Do you have any suggestions? -- SAD GIRL IN DENVER
DEAR SAD GIRL: Your stepfather should not be hitting you. Please tell your mother ASAP. You are being physically abused, and it must be stopped.
If your mother is unable to stop the abuse, call the Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline at (800) 422-4453 ((800) 4-A-CHILD). Also, there is the Girls and Boys Town National Hotline at (800) 448-3000. Tell the counselor you talk to what you have written to me. All calls are confidential.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Heartbroken in Texas," whose 16-year-old son committed suicide, I would like to share a story with a happier ending. "Heartbroken" couldn't understand why her son's friends didn't alert her.
Three years ago, when my son, "John," and his best friend, "Mike," were young teenagers, I overheard a disturbing phone conversation. My son was saying, "Mike, don't do this! In five or six years none of this stuff will mean anything to you. It will just be a memory!" Later, John came to me and said, "Mom, you have to help Mike. He's talking about committing suicide, and nothing I say seems to help. Last night, he put a rope around his neck to see how it feels."
Although my son had been "sworn to secrecy," he realized someone had to alert Mike's parents. I did -- and soon Mike was in counseling and on anti-depressants. Mike is now a happy teenager with a bright future, and he and my son have an even stronger friendship.
I'm proud of my son for trusting me enough to confide in me so I could intervene. Troubled young people tell their friends because they ARE reaching out for help. As long as parents have a history of trust and communication with their children, we will have more "happier endings." -- THANKFUL MOM IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR THANKFUL MOM: Congratulations on raising a son who knew that saving a life was more important than keeping a secret.
DEAR ABBY: I have seen articles that list questions a person should ask his or her partner before becoming engaged, to ensure a happy marriage.
What do you think the most important questions are, Abby? -- YOUNG LADY WHO NEEDS TO KNOW IN MEMPHIS
DEAR YOUNG LADY: Topics to discuss should include:
1. Are you ready for a monogamous relationship?
2. Are you both ready to establish a family independent of your parents?
3. Are you both self-supporting and capable of supporting each other and any children that come along should the need arise?
4. Are your philosophies about child-rearing and discipline similar?
5. Are your career goals compatible?
6. Do you think alike about sex, religion and politics?
If the answers to the majority of these questions are "yes," then your marriage will probably endure with little conflict.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Husband Struggles to Forgive After His Wife's Second Affair
DEAR ABBY: Several months ago, I discovered my wife was having an affair with one of our closest single friends from church. Their relationship had been going on for almost a year. This was her second affair in our 12-year marriage, and I'm about ready to cut my losses and file for divorce.
My wife has expressed great remorse for her mistake and claims that she will do "anything" to save our marriage. I am still very much in love with her -- and I have the happiness of our young son to consider. My wife and I are in counseling, but my feelings of betrayal and anger are so great that I don't know if I can trust her -- or any woman -- ever again. I feel as though I've not only been betrayed by my wife, but also by my "friend," my church -- even by God.
Is it possible for a spouse who has a history of extramarital affairs to change? And if change is possible, how do I begin to trust again when the person I loved and cared for most in the world is the one responsible for my pain and misery? I would be grateful for any insight you can offer, Abby. -- SHATTERED IN BLUEGRASS COUNTRY
DEAR SHATTERED: Yes, it is possible for a spouse who has a history of extramarital affairs to change. But in order to do so, the person must be willing to confront the reasons for the cheating. Rebuilding trust, however, can take years, because even with the most forgiving spouse, the memory of the transgression is always lurking in the background.
Now I'll paraphrase a question I usually ask my female readers: Are you better off with or without her? Only you can answer that.
DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing "Ted" for two years. He is the love of my life. Last week, out of the blue, he said he didn't want to see me anymore and ordered me out of his apartment. He raged at me as if I had done something terrible to him. I left immediately.
The day after Ted's blowup, I talked to him on the phone and his anger was gone. He explained that he needed his space, and I accepted it. The following day we talked again, and I could hear the anger was back in his voice. The day after that, he was as sweet as he's ever been. We tearfully discussed breaking up, but remaining friends.
I would like nothing more than for Ted to enjoy his "space" and discover that I really am the one for him. But I love him, and this is the hardest thing I have dealt with in our two years of ups and downs.
Until three months ago, Ted was a drug user. Now I wonder if he's using again. I am all too familiar with the signs. Because of Ted, I have learned more about drugs than I ever thought possible. But my love for him has endured.
When Ted got clean, we joined a church and I believed we were finally in a better place. Now I don't know what to think. Am I spinning my wheels here, Abby? What should I do? -- SCARED AND CONFUSED IN WEST VIRGINIA
DEAR SCARED AND CONFUSED: I suspect your instincts are on target -- he is using again. However, as much as you might wish to, you cannot "save" Ted. Only he can do that. Please don't tolerate his irrational mood swings. They will destroy your self-esteem. Let him go. Direct your interests and energies elsewhere. Get some counseling. It'll be the smartest, most self-protective move you have ever made -- and a favor to yourself.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)