To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: How can I get my stepfather to stop hitting me? He's never caused permanent damage, but it hurts! I don't want my mom to know about it because she loves my stepdad. Plus, he supports my mother and me financially. Before Mom married him four years ago, we had to live with my grandparents because we had no money. Everything would be OK now if I could just find a way of making him stop hitting me. Do you have any suggestions? -- SAD GIRL IN DENVER
DEAR SAD GIRL: Your stepfather should not be hitting you. Please tell your mother ASAP. You are being physically abused, and it must be stopped.
If your mother is unable to stop the abuse, call the Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline at (800) 422-4453 ((800) 4-A-CHILD). Also, there is the Girls and Boys Town National Hotline at (800) 448-3000. Tell the counselor you talk to what you have written to me. All calls are confidential.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Heartbroken in Texas," whose 16-year-old son committed suicide, I would like to share a story with a happier ending. "Heartbroken" couldn't understand why her son's friends didn't alert her.
Three years ago, when my son, "John," and his best friend, "Mike," were young teenagers, I overheard a disturbing phone conversation. My son was saying, "Mike, don't do this! In five or six years none of this stuff will mean anything to you. It will just be a memory!" Later, John came to me and said, "Mom, you have to help Mike. He's talking about committing suicide, and nothing I say seems to help. Last night, he put a rope around his neck to see how it feels."
Although my son had been "sworn to secrecy," he realized someone had to alert Mike's parents. I did -- and soon Mike was in counseling and on anti-depressants. Mike is now a happy teenager with a bright future, and he and my son have an even stronger friendship.
I'm proud of my son for trusting me enough to confide in me so I could intervene. Troubled young people tell their friends because they ARE reaching out for help. As long as parents have a history of trust and communication with their children, we will have more "happier endings." -- THANKFUL MOM IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR THANKFUL MOM: Congratulations on raising a son who knew that saving a life was more important than keeping a secret.
DEAR ABBY: I have seen articles that list questions a person should ask his or her partner before becoming engaged, to ensure a happy marriage.
What do you think the most important questions are, Abby? -- YOUNG LADY WHO NEEDS TO KNOW IN MEMPHIS
DEAR YOUNG LADY: Topics to discuss should include:
1. Are you ready for a monogamous relationship?
2. Are you both ready to establish a family independent of your parents?
3. Are you both self-supporting and capable of supporting each other and any children that come along should the need arise?
4. Are your philosophies about child-rearing and discipline similar?
5. Are your career goals compatible?
6. Do you think alike about sex, religion and politics?
If the answers to the majority of these questions are "yes," then your marriage will probably endure with little conflict.
Husband Struggles to Forgive After His Wife's Second Affair
DEAR ABBY: Several months ago, I discovered my wife was having an affair with one of our closest single friends from church. Their relationship had been going on for almost a year. This was her second affair in our 12-year marriage, and I'm about ready to cut my losses and file for divorce.
My wife has expressed great remorse for her mistake and claims that she will do "anything" to save our marriage. I am still very much in love with her -- and I have the happiness of our young son to consider. My wife and I are in counseling, but my feelings of betrayal and anger are so great that I don't know if I can trust her -- or any woman -- ever again. I feel as though I've not only been betrayed by my wife, but also by my "friend," my church -- even by God.
Is it possible for a spouse who has a history of extramarital affairs to change? And if change is possible, how do I begin to trust again when the person I loved and cared for most in the world is the one responsible for my pain and misery? I would be grateful for any insight you can offer, Abby. -- SHATTERED IN BLUEGRASS COUNTRY
DEAR SHATTERED: Yes, it is possible for a spouse who has a history of extramarital affairs to change. But in order to do so, the person must be willing to confront the reasons for the cheating. Rebuilding trust, however, can take years, because even with the most forgiving spouse, the memory of the transgression is always lurking in the background.
Now I'll paraphrase a question I usually ask my female readers: Are you better off with or without her? Only you can answer that.
DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing "Ted" for two years. He is the love of my life. Last week, out of the blue, he said he didn't want to see me anymore and ordered me out of his apartment. He raged at me as if I had done something terrible to him. I left immediately.
The day after Ted's blowup, I talked to him on the phone and his anger was gone. He explained that he needed his space, and I accepted it. The following day we talked again, and I could hear the anger was back in his voice. The day after that, he was as sweet as he's ever been. We tearfully discussed breaking up, but remaining friends.
I would like nothing more than for Ted to enjoy his "space" and discover that I really am the one for him. But I love him, and this is the hardest thing I have dealt with in our two years of ups and downs.
Until three months ago, Ted was a drug user. Now I wonder if he's using again. I am all too familiar with the signs. Because of Ted, I have learned more about drugs than I ever thought possible. But my love for him has endured.
When Ted got clean, we joined a church and I believed we were finally in a better place. Now I don't know what to think. Am I spinning my wheels here, Abby? What should I do? -- SCARED AND CONFUSED IN WEST VIRGINIA
DEAR SCARED AND CONFUSED: I suspect your instincts are on target -- he is using again. However, as much as you might wish to, you cannot "save" Ted. Only he can do that. Please don't tolerate his irrational mood swings. They will destroy your self-esteem. Let him go. Direct your interests and energies elsewhere. Get some counseling. It'll be the smartest, most self-protective move you have ever made -- and a favor to yourself.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: When I was a child, I developed a huge crush on "Mickey," a young man who worked for my mother. As I grew older, the crush grew to love. Twenty-six years later, I am still very much in love with him -- and we were married two months ago.
Last night, Mickey told me something that's tearing my heart out: He and Mother had an affair 18 years ago. I am trying to act as though I'm OK, and promised Mickey I wouldn't tell Mom that he had confided in me. Now I honestly don't know if I can keep silent, knowing my husband had sex with my mother. I feel hurt, betrayed and sick about the news.
I still love Mickey and don't want to end our marriage. He says the affair shouldn't matter because it happened long ago, and I shouldn't dwell on it -- but in my eyes it might as well have been yesterday.
How will I ever face my mother again and not let on that I know? -- DESPERATELY HURT IN FLORIDA
DEAR DESPERATELY HURT: You were just a child when the romance happened. For your mother's sake, it would be a kindness not to let her know that you know you have more in common than the usual mother/daughter bond. Everybody has a skeleton in the closet. If you can't let this go, I recommend counseling.
DEAR ABBY: I am a married 24-year-old with a daughter who just turned 2. My problem is that my mother dislikes my best friend, "Marci," for no reason that I can figure out. Any time I invite Marci to a party, Mom raises a stink.
Because of that, my friendship with Marci has cooled over the past year. We haven't seen much of each other, and I wanted to change that, so I invited her to my daughter's birthday party. I informed Mother ahead of time that Marci would be there -- and warned her not to make a scene.
Mom got back at me by showing up at the party with a six-pack of beer. Abby, she raised me never to have booze at a child's party, and we exchanged words in front of everyone. I ended up cutting the party short because it became such a tense situation -- with Marci on one side of the room and Mom and her six-pack on the other.
I have tried talking to my mother about why she dislikes Marci. She brushes it off with the accusation that I'm choosing my best friend over her.
My mother has a history of bad-news friends who ended up stealing from her or trashing her behind her back. How can I get it through her head that Marci isn't like that? -- STILL FUMING AT MOM IN SOUTHERN IDAHO
DEAR STILL FUMING: Your mother may be competitive with Marci, or she may remind your mother of someone who hurt her in the past. If she hasn't come up with a reason for her aversion, it may be unconscious. That said, you're an adult and entitled to form your own friendships. You and your mother aren't joined at the hip. Enjoy both your mom and Marci on separate occasions.
DEAR ABBY: My boss asked me to write to you. He has a box of birthday cards that he wants to use up. When he needs to send a greeting of any kind, he uses one of them. He crosses out "Birthday," and writes in the appropriate word: "Wedding," "Graduation," "New Home," etc. He feels there is nothing wrong with this. I say it is not in good taste. Who's right? -- WORKING FOR A CHEAP BOSS IN BOSTON
DEAR WORKING: You are.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)