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WOMAN RELUCTANT TO SACRIFICE HER FRIENDSHIP WITH EX'S MOM
DEAR ABBY: I'm proud to say I always enjoyed a close relationship with my former husband's immediate family. Although we are now divorced, I've remained in frequent contact with my ex-mother-in-law.
The problem is I am in a new and serious relationship with another man, and I'm afraid if I tell him I still communicate with my ex's mother, he'll go berserk. I don't want to anger or hurt him, but feel he should know the truth. Above all, I don't want to sacrifice the friendship I have with my ex-mother-in-law. Please tell me how to handle this situation. -- HOUSTON EX
DEAR EX: Disclose to your gentleman friend the fact that you still have a relationship with the woman, and don't apologize for it. If the romance progresses, it will be very difficult to hide it.
Your letter raises a red flag. If a relationship with your former mother-in-law would truly make him "go berserk," how will he handle other things he might not like about you? Please keep your eyes open and make no rash commitments.
DEAR ABBY: Please help me. I need to know if I should approach another mother about why my 10-year-old son was not invited to her son's birthday party.
We have lived in our close-knit neighborhood for three years. All of the other children on our street were invited, and they told my son all about it at school the next day. Now he feels left out and sad. Until now, he thought he was good friends with the birthday boy.
I know this sort of thing happens, but for a mother to organize a party and knowingly exclude one child doesn't seem right. How should I handle it, Abby? -- SMALL-TOWN MOM IN IOWA
DEAR MOM: By all means ask the mother what happened. Since your son was the only child not invited to the party, shame on her for abetting that kind of exclusion.
However, before approaching the mother, invite the neighborhood children to your home and observe how they interact. There may be a reason your child was not welcome. If he's having relationship or behavior problems, now is the time to give him the social skills he will need for the rest of his life.
DEAR ABBY: "Big Girl in Des Moines" said she felt good about getting results from her diet and exercise program, but complained that her boyfriend had turned into a "food cop." There may be a subtext going on in their relationship. It's possible that he's actually trying to sabotage her weight loss.
I know. My soon-to-be-ex-husband sabotaged every attempt I made to lose weight throughout our more than 20 years of marriage. He was always subtle about it. For instance, he'd tell me I'd been working hard and "deserved a treat" -- or HE needed a treat and then he'd keep offering me "just a bite." It was amazing how suddenly he wanted to eat fatty meals at fast-food restaurants.
My husband worried I would lose so much weight that I'd decide I could do better than him. "Big Girl" should keep her eyes and ears open and stick to her diet. -- SOON-TO-BE-EX IN RENO
DEAR SOON-TO-BE-EX: It's sad that your husband's insecurities were so great that he jeopardized your health and destroyed your marriage. (It seems that the excess weight you had been carrying around was HIM.)
CONFIDENTIAL TO "EXHAUSTED IN MARYLAND": You and the children have suffered far too long. For their sake, listen to your attorney!
After Six Years of 'Friendship,' Woman Wants Something More
DEAR ABBY: I am in my late 20s. For six years I have been entangled in a strange and powerful relationship with "Bruce," a 38-year-old man who considers himself "only a friend." I am very much in love with him and he knows it. He has never said he loves me. In fact, whenever we get close, he steps back emotionally and reminds me that he's "just a friend."
Bruce was hurt badly by a cheating wife and has been divorced for many years. I know for a fact that there have been no other women in his life. Despite all this, Bruce treats me like a queen. Whatever I need -- you name it -- he is right there. He is the most generous, protective and responsive man I have ever met.
He calls me every morning to say hello and every night to wish me sweet dreams. We spend weekends together and we're sexually active. We enjoy each other more than any couple I know -- married or unmarried. We're such a good match that people tell us we absolutely "glow" when we're together.
I have finally reached the end of my rope. I need SOME kind of recognition. At the very least, I would like to be considered his girlfriend. Please help me look at this relationship with clear eyes. -- "ONLY A FRIEND" IN NEW YORK STATE
DEAR "ONLY A FRIEND": It's time to face the fact that for whatever reason, Bruce is commitment-phobic. Up to now, your relationship has been entirely on his terms, and he likes it the way it is. I'll give him marks for honesty. You must accept it -- or move on. (If it's marriage and a secure future you're after, I urge you to do the latter.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old girl, and my parents split up a couple of weeks ago. I didn't see it coming because they always acted like they were happy together. My mom and dad have both talked to me about it, but I feel like they're trying to make me choose sides.
Mom is forever asking me if I'm OK, and I always say yes, but I'm not so sure. I can't talk to my father because we aren't as close -- we never were. Also, I don't see him as much anymore and he rarely calls.
My grades have dropped, and I've been falling asleep in some of my classes. Dad thinks I'm depressed, but I don't agree. I don't know how to explain what I'm going through. My parents don't understand. Abby, please help me because I don't know what to do. -- LOST AND CONFUSED IN STAFFORD, VA.
DEAR LOST: Your father may have more insight than you have given him credit for. The signs of depression can be subtle. Among them are sleep problems.
Please level with both of your parents about your feelings. Your reaction to the divorce is normal. You should also speak to a counselor at school. Help is available for you. Please don't try to go through this process alone. Trust me on this: You'll start to feel better as soon as you speak up and stop bottling up your feelings.
DEAR ABBY: Back in 1963, your mother printed a great definition of "maturity." I clipped and saved it, and have referred to it many times. It's still relevant, and my copy has become worn and tattered. Any chance you would print it again? -- HELEN REZENDES, SAN JOSE, CALIF.
DEAR HELEN: I'm pleased to print it again. My mother is a wise woman.
"Maturity is:
"-- The ability to stick with a job until it's finished.
"-- The ability to do a job without being supervised.
"-- The ability to carry money without spending it.
"-- And the ability to bear an injustice without wanting to get even."
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WORKING WIFE AND MOM YEARNS FOR SOME TIME TO CALL HER OWN
DEAR ABBY: I am a 26-year-old wife and mother of a 16-month-old son. For the most part, I feel blessed. However, there are times when I feel overwhelmed working and being a wife and mom. I never seem to get a break.
We live with my husband's dad because we had some credit problems and are trying to get back on our feet. My father-in-law thinks I should do most of the household chores and that I should still be able to find enough time for myself -- but it hasn't worked out that way.
If I want to spend a few hours with my friends, my husband and his dad think it's an imposition when I ask them to baby-sit. On the other hand, my husband takes off and hangs out with his friends any time he feels like it.
Am I wrong to feel there's a double standard here? Don't get me wrong -- my husband and son and I do spend some time together, and we're active in our church. But I can't help feeling I need more time for myself. Please help. -- OVERLOADED IN THE NORTHWEST
DEAR OVERLOADED: Before any more tensions and resentments build, it's time to draw the line and speak up. As it stands, your father-in-law has a built-in maid and your husband has reverted to adolescence. Whether you get church-based or secular marriage counseling, get it NOW before you cave in under the stress of your current situation. You and your husband need to get back on your feet and find a place to call your own.
DEAR ABBY: I am 15 and have never had a boyfriend. All my friends have boyfriends, and I'm the only girl without a guy. This whole year I've had my eye on a senior at my school. I try my best to get his attention, but he doesn't seem to take the hints. We say "hi" to each other in the halls, but that's about it.
How can I get him to notice me, Abby? I mean, I'm really in love with him and want him to know how I feel. There's only one problem -- I'm kind of scared to approach him. Graduation is almost here and soon he'll be leaving. What should I do? -- SCARED TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE IN FLORIDA
DEAR SCARED: Give or send him a graduation card with a sincere note wishing him luck and letting him know you'll miss seeing him on campus. It will give him an opening and show him that you like him. If he doesn't respond after that, set your sights on a cute junior -- someone who'll be around for another year.
DEAR ABBY: Graduation time is here. My senior is blissfully happy to be graduating from high school. She addressed her own announcements and sent them to family and friends of her choosing.
I would like to send a message to the recipients of the millions of announcements that will arrive during these next few weeks: Please take these announcements for what they are -- they are NOT a request for gifts.
My daughter is thrilled to be going through this rite of passage. I remember how I felt a few years ago when I began receiving announcements from the children of friends, wondering if a present or monetary gift was expected. Well, THIS senior's parent wants to say: Please just be happy for the graduating student. Thanks, Abby. -- PROUD OF MY GRAD IN VIRGINIA
DEAR PROUD: When someone receives a graduation announcement, one should do more than "be happy." Good manners dictate that the announcement should not be ignored. At the least, a card or letter of congratulations is in order. (Gifts are optional.)
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)