What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My fifth-grade son, "Mikey," is considered the best soccer player on our community team. My problem is the mother of another player on the team. I'll call her Phyllis. At least three other moms have told me that Phyllis has been criticizing me at the games to anyone who'll listen.
I have never done anything to her, and I'm beginning to wonder if she's bad-mouthing me because my Mikey is a better soccer player than her boy. (Everyone knows the only reason her son is on the team is because his dad is the coach.)
Last Saturday, I was standing on the sidelines talking with another mother about the team's treats schedule, when Phyllis marched up and told me the treats I've been bringing to the games are junk food. How insulting! I made them myself.
Abby, I've had it with her. I try to stay as far away from this crazy-maker as I can. Is there a law against slandering someone like she's been doing to me? No way am I going to put up with her nonsense until our sons graduate from high school. Please help. -- SOCCER MOM READY TO SOCK-IT-TO-HER
DEAR SOCCER MOM: There are laws against slander, but in order to win a lawsuit you have to prove damages. Obviously, Phyllis is the community loudmouth. (Three people have told you so.) Continue to take the high road and ignore her comments. If you don't allow yourself to react to them, she'll look like a combative fool.
DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Ruthie," and I have been together for 10 years and married for five. We have three beautiful children. Last year, I caught Ruthie having an affair, but I eventually forgave her.
To this day, every time my wife leaves the house, I can't help asking her who she's meeting, where she'll be, what time I can expect her home -- and if she's going to cheat on me again. Every once in a while, I still find strange phone numbers in her pocket or purse. When I call, the men always say they didn't know Ruthie was married. Then they quickly break it off with her.
Abby, I want my marriage to last. I love my wife with all my heart. What can I do to make my marriage to Ruthie better? -- KENTUCKY HUSBAND
DEAR HUSBAND: Counseling might help if your wife sincerely wants to save the marriage. It's possible that she is a sex addict. If she's willing to admit that she has a problem, Sexaholics Anonymous can be helpful. It's a self-help group for sexually compulsive men and women. It can be contacted by writing: P.O. Box 111910, Nashville, TN 37222-1910. The Web site is: www.sa.org.
If all else fails, consult a family law attorney and see what your options are. You deserve to be respected, and your first responsibility is to your children.
P.S. Have you been checked for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)? If the answer is no, you should be. Please don't wait.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 27-year-old male. I live at home. My problem is my uncle, "Barney." He's my dad's brother. Uncle Barney always takes Dad out to eat and shopping and stuff and never invites me. Sometimes he will ask my dad right in front of me. It makes me feel awkward and unwanted. How should I handle this? -- EXCLUDED IN MARYSVILLE, CALIF.
DEAR EXCLUDED: Tell your uncle privately how you feel when he extends an invitation in your presence and excludes you. Tell your father that occasionally you would like to be included. It's possible they don't realize that their conversation would interest you. It's worth a try.
If that doesn't work, consider this: Sometimes people who live together need a break from each other. Don't take it personally. Cultivate friends your own age.
SIMPLE SAFEGUARDS CAN PROTECT YOUR HOME WHILE YOU'RE AWAY
DEAR ABBY: The summer travel season has officially begun. The criminals are prepared; are your readers?
According to the FBI's Uniform Crime Reporting Program (2000), the greatest number of burglaries occurs in July and August -- and 60 percent of all residential burglaries occur during the daytime. The Home Safety Council recommends simple safeguards that will reduce the chances of being victimized:
(1) Evaluate your home's security. Do all door and window locks work?
(2) Is outside lighting bright and focused to illuminate potential entry points?
(3) Are hedges and trees trimmed so intruders can't use them for cover?
(4) Have you removed any extra keys that you've hidden outside? (Burglars know all the good hiding places.)
(5) Make your home look "lived in" while you're away. Buy timers to set lights to come on at different times.
(6) Ask a neighbor to park in your driveway while you're gone.
(7) Stop newspaper and mail deliveries, or have someone pick them up daily.
(8) Do not invite trouble by changing your answering machine greeting to say you're out of town on vacation.
(9) Provide a neighbor, relative or close friend with your itinerary and contact information so you can be reached in case of emergency.
Thanks for sharing this information with your readers, Abby. -- MERI-K APPY, PRESIDENT, THE HOME SAFETY COUNCIL
DEAR MERI-K: Thank you for the timely tips. Readers, for even more safety suggestions, a free checklist can be downloaded at the Home Safety Council's Web site: www.homesafetycouncil.org.
Happy trails to you, fellow travelers!
DEAR ABBY: There has been a new arrival in our family and I have an important question. Is it true that two brown-eyed, dark-haired people cannot be the parents of a blue-eyed, fair-haired child? If so, this is completely contrary to what I was taught in school.
It has always been my understanding that a child carries not only the genes of his or her parents, but also the genes of grandparents, great-grandparents, etc.
Please check with your experts and let me know as soon as possible. This debate has caused a huge rift in our family. -- RICHMOND, VA., READER
DEAR READER: I hope this short biology lesson will silence the nay-sayers:
In the 19th century, an Austrian monk and botanist named Gregor Mendel discovered the existence of "dominant" and "recessive" genes.
In a nutshell, his research proved that a child can inherit a recessive gene from an ancestor and have eye color, hair color, skin color and other features that are different from both its mother and father. This is called Mendelian law.
You can prove it to your disbelieving relatives by going to the library and checking out some books on Mendel's law of genetic inheritance and recessive genes. Please don't wait. They need educating before their ignorance causes the rift to be permanent.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Sufferers of Eating Disorders Can Get the Help They Need
DEAR ABBY: I was deeply touched by the letter from "Fed Up in Fort Myers, Fla.," regarding a young girl affected by her mother's bulimia. The children at school call her cruel names, and so does her mother.
Eating disorders are widespread illnesses that affect all segments of society. They may affect not only the body, but also the mind -- and appropriate treatment is necessary.
Abby, I would like to invite your readers to contact the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD) for free resources and referrals.
Through our hotline and response to mail and e-mail inquiries, ANAD provides counsel and information to thousands of anorexics, bulimics, compulsive eaters, their families, and also the health-care community in all parts of the globe. Our referral list includes more than 1,500 therapists and inpatient/outpatient programs in the United States, Canada and several other countries, including Great Britain, Germany, Australia, New Zealand, France, Italy, Spain, Mexico, Colombia and more. -- VIVIAN HANSON MEEHAN, PRESIDENT, ANAD
DEAR VIVIAN: Thank you for the information. After I printed the letter from "Fed Up," I received hundreds of others from readers of both sexes peppering me with questions about eating disorders.
Readers, if you or someone you know needs help or information, ANAD can be contacted by phone: (847) 831-3438; fax: (847) 433-4632; e-mail: anad20(at)aol.com; or the Web site: www.anad.org. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I would like to comment on the letter from "Fed Up," the 13-year-old girl whose mother is bulimic and who is ridiculed in school by other kids because she is overweight.
I was trained in another country to become a teacher. Our psychology teacher explained to us that, since parents cannot be present in school to protect their children, it is therefore the teachers' and the principal's full responsibility to protect the students from physical and emotional abuse by other students.
I am one of many educators who believe that it is the parents' responsibility to discipline their children and teach them proper social conduct. That said, this is how I handle my responsibility:
Every year on the first day of school I present the rules of conduct in my class to the new students. I tell them that I expect everyone to behave and respect each other.
I tell them that I am well aware that some children like to call names and hurt other children's feelings, but I do not tolerate this kind of behavior. I say, "If anyone hits you or hurts your feelings -- tell me immediately." I will call the parents of the abusive student and tell them what their child did, and that I will not admit their child in my class the next day unless accompanied by one of his/her parents. I expect the parent to sit in our classroom the entire day and make sure that his/her child does not hurt anyone.
I then ask the students, "How many of you think your mother or father will have the time to sit in our class the whole day?" No one raises a hand. No student ever dares to abuse another student in my class.
I hope that child's letter will cause people to think and change the discipline policies that exist in many U.S. schools -- and I hope that other caring teachers and principals will follow my psychology teacher's instructions and prevent abusive students from hurting helpless students. -- RETIRED TEACHER IN ATLANTA
DEAR TEACHER: If there were more teachers like you, I would not receive the hundreds of heartbreaking letters I do from students who are harassed, bullied and taunted by their classmates. Orchids to you.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)