Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man Who Won't Discuss Past Could Wreck Fiancee's Future
DEAR ABBY: I am being married in a few months. Ted is 20 and I am 22. He tells me he has "no past," and refuses to discuss it.
From what I hear from his friends, Ted has tried everything in his 20 years of life -- drugs, sex, alcohol, wild parties. They say he has talked about numerous one-night stands without protection, and that he was even involved in group sex with eight other guys and one female. (Again, without protection.) For all I know, he may even be a father. He also refuses to be checked for STDs.
Am I right for wanting to know how many sexual partners Ted has had? I am still a virgin. When I try to talk to him about this he clams up. Can I trust him? -- JITTERY IN JACKSONVILLE
DEAR JITTERY: Absolutely not. Your intuition is warning you. Anyone, male or female, who has had even one unprotected sexual contact should be tested for STDs. If what his friends are saying is true, your fiance is reckless and immature. He has exposed himself to diseases that could destroy your ability to have children -- or even kill you. I urge you to discuss this with your doctor. I cannot stress strongly enough how important it is that you know your fiance's health status before this goes any further. You have a right to that information.
DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away five years ago. I have a table and chairs that belonged to my grandparents that were given to me by Mom before her death. (They meant a great deal to her.)
Because the set was passed down to me, must I keep it? The base of the table is still good -- but would it be blasphemous to remove the top and replace it?
The same goes for the chairs. They're in bad shape. Should I go to the expense of having them repaired and refinished -- or is it OK to get rid of them? And if I do, what can I tell any family member who asks? Thanks, Abby. -- TRASH-OR-TREASURE IN THE TWIN CITIES
DEAR T-OR-T: Stop feeling guilty. Since you do not like or want the "heirlooms," offer them to other family members who might like to have them and restore them. One man's trash is another man's treasure (and vice versa).
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Hank," and I are in our late 20s and have been married five years. We have two children. On the surface everything is great; however, our marriage is falling apart because of my husband's addiction to pay-per-view pornographic movies. Hank doesn't understand why the $600 he spent on these dirty movies over the past year has affected me. Our sex life has dwindled to almost nothing, which makes me feel inadequate as a wife. We're also trying to save money for a house.
I cringe each month when I open the cable bill -- and each month we have the same discussion that goes nowhere. Tonight I told Hank if he continues his habit it would end our marriage. He said, "Whatever. I'm not having this conversation now." What can I do, Abby? -- HAD IT WITH HANK
DEAR HAD IT: Encourage your husband to accompany you to marriage counseling -- and hope that he will "open up." As things stand, your marriage is dying. He has substituted movies for a real relationship with you. Unless a compromise can be worked out, you will both remain unhappy.
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months. He has cheated on me more times than I can count. I love him and want to make things work, but lately he hasn't wanted to spend any time with me. We'll meet somewhere and he'll ask me for money. When I give it to him, he leaves right away, and I won't see him again until he needs more. I feel obligated to give him the money because we have a child together.
I am only 20 and have my whole life ahead of me. I don't know whether to throw in the towel or hope for the best and maybe things will change. I hate being alone. Deep down, I don't trust him and feel like he's using me. -- HURTING IN THE NORTHWEST
DEAR HURTING: That lack of trust is your survival instinct. Your young man is nobody's boyfriend. He is a serial cheater and a user.
I urge you to see a lawyer, and establish paternity, custody and financial support for your child.
There is nothing lonelier than being in love all by yourself. Consider this: If you end this relationship, you'll have the possibility of meeting a man who is worthy of your love. So get going -- and don't look back.
DEAR ABBY: Our granddaughter, "Beth," has been anorexic since she was 13. She is now 18 and doing much better. However, she's not completely over it.
Beth had to quit school in her junior year because of her eating disorder. Since then, she's put on weight and has made every effort to get back to the way she was before she developed anorexia.
Her granddad and I are proud of the fact that she just completed her G.E.D. (general equivalency diploma), and we'd like to host a graduation party for her, but don't know if it's the right thing to do. Is it? We would appreciate a speedy reply. -- CARING GRANDPARENTS
DEAR CARING GRANDPARENTS: I see no reason not to have a party to celebrate your granddaughter's G.E.D. Ask her if she would like you to invite some of her old school friends. It is a symbol of your love and encouragement, and I'm sure she will appreciate it.
DEAR ABBY: I want to share with you and your readers something I did for my parents a few years ago for Mother's Day and Father's Day. I made them both a "thank-you" book.
I purchased a small photo album for each of them, and on every page I pasted an index card. On each card I wrote down one special thing that my folks had done for me.
"Thank you for building our beloved cabin with your own hands on Sebago Lake."
"Thank you for making us homemade ice cream so often."
"Thank you for helping me understand how important family is."
Abby, both parents told me it was the best gift they had ever received. -- PATTY BUCK, FALMOUTH, MAINE
DEAR PATTY: I'm not surprised. A meaningful gift does not have to be expensive. The thought behind it is what makes it a priceless treasure.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Suffering Insults in Silence Sets Bad Example for Girls
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about the letter from "Angry Mama," whose 9-year-old daughter, "Kristy," kept being addressed as "Weirdo" by her friend's father. You advised "limiting exposure" to this man, but I would like to raise a deeper issue:
What is Kristy learning from her mom's response to the insult? To bear it silently and passively? (Many women fear a confrontation.) Please tell Kristy that it is OK -- even essential -- for a person of any age to be able to say, "You may not speak to me that way. It's rude and I don't like it."
Her mother's apparent silence to this dad sends a message even more debilitating than his "weirdo" insults that the child will internalize as she grows.
I don't mean to be critical. I dread confrontation, too. But I did learn early on, from a wonderful therapist, that my son will learn how to respond to the world and to stand up for himself when necessary by watching ME. -- AWARE MAMA, SANTA MONICA, CALIF.
DEAR AWARE MAMA: The time and money you spent on the couch were not wasted. That's an important lesson, and all parents should heed it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Kristy's" mother is correct in not allowing her daughter to be subjected to that kind of treatment. It is not only inappropriate, but it could possibly be the father's way of "grooming" the girl for possible sexual abuse.
Provoking Kristy with offensive name-calling could be his way of manipulating her so she will do "anything" to win his approval. Not only should that girl stay away from him, but someone should be concerned about what's going on with HIS daughter.
If there is a mother in that home, she needs to be cautioned. If there is no mother, someone needs to reach out to the man's daughter and make sure she has someone in whom to confide.
As the mother of three daughters who were abused by a family member using the same tactic, I urge "Angry Mama" to act on the red flags she has recognized. -- PROTECTIVE MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER
DEAR PROTECTIVE: I advised the mother that it was her job to protect her daughter from abuse. I said that the friend's father appears to be insensitive, immature and a bit weird himself -- and that it's three strikes in my book.
It did not occur to me that he might also be a pedophile. Thank you for sharing your personal experience with me and my readers, and for the warning.
DEAR ABBY: I am finishing my first year in college. This last semester I've run up a lot of debt, not only on my credit card, but to my mom as well. I need to find a summer job.
My fear is that when I'm interviewing and reveal that I am available only in the summer because I'll be returning to school in the fall, I'll be told, "Thanks, but no thanks."
How should I approach employment applications and interviews? Should I lie? I don't like the idea, but the truth might not get me the money I need. Please help, Abby. -- ANXIOUS TO CLIMB OUT OF DEBT IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ANXIOUS: Rather than mislead anyone, apply to temporary personnel agencies. Since they provide short-term help to businesses, your time line should not be a problem.
P.S. A temp job can also morph into a permanent position after graduation.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)