To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: My problem is my daughter-in-law, "Marla," and the verbal abuse she heaps on my son, "Jack." She belittles him in front of me and the children on a daily basis. All my life I listened to my own mother do the same thing to my dad, and it's something I cannot tolerate.
When I've asked my daughter-in-law not to talk to Jack like that, Marla directs her anger at me. So all I can do is what I did with my mother -- get up and leave the room. What I want to say is, "Stop it! He's a good man who's been there for you from day one and doesn't deserve to be trashed!" But I'm afraid it would cause more trouble. I bought Marla a book on anger management, but she threw it away. Last week, I wrote her a letter giving her "what for." (I never mailed it.)
Abby, I'm at my wit's end with this woman and I'm not sure what is the most productive way to move forward. If you print this, I know she'll read it. No name or town, please. Sign me ... TRYING NOT TO BE AN INTERFERING M-I-L
DEAR TRYING: As much as you might wish to intervene, your daughter-in-law's verbal abuse will not stop until your son finds the strength to end it. He needs counseling to boost his self-esteem to the point that he can stand up for himself. Encourage him to do it soon because verbal abuse damages everyone who's exposed to it -- including the children who grow up thinking it is normal behavior.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old single woman living with three cats. I have many friends and have dated on and off since my teens, but I am always happier when I'm unattached. I do not want children, and I don't intend to marry. I am content with my life, while many of my friends and co-workers insist that I'll never be "complete" without a man.
These people tell me that one day I'll realize what I'm missing -- but it might be too late to start a family. Abby, I have come to the conclusion that the desire for marriage and a family would require a major personality transplant for me.
I can't seem to convince my friends that I'm happy "as is." I get so tired of defending my lifestyle that I usually end up telling them they're right just so they'll stop bugging me. What should I say the next time? -- SINGLE AND HAPPY ABOUT IT
DEAR SINGLE AND HAPPY: Marriage and family may be the norm, but it isn't a guarantee of happiness for everyone -- as anyone can tell by reading this column.
When your friends push the subject, don't allow them to make you defensive. Just smile and change the subject.
DEAR ABBY: How do people know if their therapist is really helping them or just taking their money? Mine does not talk much or give any advice. What kind of progress should I expect in recovering from depression and anxiety attacks, and how do you evaluate yourself and the doctor to determine if your healing is just a slow process or if it's time to find a better-suited professional? -- THANKS FROM OHIO
DEAR OHIO: Discuss your concerns with your therapist. Do not feel guilty for questioning your progress. You have the right to do so. Therapy can sometimes be painful, but you must be completely honest, or it won't work. That said, sometimes it takes a little shopping to find a good fit, so don't be embarrassed about wanting a second opinion.
DEAR ABBY: When I was in college 10 years ago, I experienced my first intimate relationship one summer with another student, "Bill." When the fall semester rolled around, I learned that my randomly selected roommate in the dorm was an ex-girlfriend of Bill's. I'll call her April.
I did not tell April about my relationship with Bill because she was still getting over him. Our romance continued for several weeks, but Bill and I were careful to keep it from her.
As the weeks went by, April and I became closer. I finally cut all ties with Bill because of the loyalty I felt to my roommate. In the decade that followed graduation, I married and had a family. I lead a quiet life and I am content.
A few days ago, I received a phone call out of the blue from April. To my astonishment, she informed me that after all these years, she and Bill are back together and about to be married. She asked me to attend the wedding.
I never came clean with April about my relationship with Bill -- and I have no plans to. Knowing him, he never breathed a word of it to her either.
I still hold both my ex-roommate and my ex-boyfriend close to my heart. They are an important part of my past. Would it be inappropriate to attend this wedding, considering the circumstances? -- EX IN A TANGLED WEB, SOMEWHERE IN OHIO
DEAR EX: You are older and happy, and so are they. The romance between you and Bill was over a long time ago. If you can go to the wedding and sincerely wish them both well, I see no reason not to attend.
DEAR ABBY: My live-in boyfriend, "Larry," carpools with me to work every day. We enjoy the benefits of sharing the hour-long commute -- the money we save on gas and maintenance, the commuter incentives offered by our workplace and each other's company.
The one thing I don't like is the fact that Larry is constantly late every morning -- which in turn makes me late. It's not as though he doesn't have plenty of time to get ready. After I've finished showering and dressing, Larry is still lying around in bed. Once he's up, he turns on the weather channel or checks his e-mail. By the time he finally showers and dresses, we're already running late. (His supervisor doesn't mind if he shows up around 10 a.m. However, I recently started a new job and am expected to be at my desk by 9 every morning.)
I've tried everything I can think of to get Larry to speed up his morning routine. I've joked, teased, nagged and begged. Now I've reached the point where I just sit on the couch and glare at him until he's ready to go. When I suggest we drive separately, he acts insulted. Is there some magic trick to convince my boyfriend of the importance of punctuality -- or should I bite the bullet and insist on making the hour-long commute by myself? -- ALWAYS TARDY IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ALWAYS TARDY: Your boyfriend may not be a morning person, but the lack of consideration he shows for the demands of your job could have severe repercussions on your career.
Give him a deadline to get ready to leave. (Set the clock ahead if necessary.) If he's not ready to go, leave without him. I'll bet that you won't have to do it twice.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
COUPLE FEARS MOTHER'S DRESS WILL BE WEDDING SHOWSTOPPER
DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Kenny," and I are being married next month. We are upset and embarrassed about the slinky, low-cut gown his mother plans to wear. Kenny says if she goes through with wearing it, he doesn't want her at the church, the reception, or in any of the photos.
Both Kenny and I have tried to tell his mom that the dress is too revealing and not appropriate for the occasion. At first she said she'd find a different dress, but she has since changed her mind and plans to wear it because Kenny's dad "loves" the dress on her.
No one else in the family will back us up and tell her not to wear it. What can we do, Abby? Kenny's mom will be embarrassing her son and me on the most important day of our lives. Help! -- EMBARRASSED AND DISGUSTED IN FLORIDA
DEAR EMBARRASSED AND DISGUSTED: It's time for your fiance to have a man-to-man talk with his dad about the facts of life regarding decorum. If that fails, I recommend that the mother of the groom spend as much time as possible holding the large bridal bouquet for you. (Consider asking the florist to throw in a few extra ferns.)
DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and very sad. I started my own advice column at school and received tons of letters asking for help. The reason I did it is because I plan on becoming a psychologist when I'm an adult.
Every time I mention my column or my future plans, my family and friends laugh and think it's funny. A friend of my mother's told me that there's no way I could know at this point in my life what profession I want.
Abby, what should I do about people who have so little faith in me? Should I listen to them or try to brush off their remarks? Please help. -- SAD GIRL ON THE EASTERN SEABOARD
DEAR SAD GIRL: Tune them out. A child who knows what she (or he) wants to do at an early age is fortunate. It's called goal-setting, and many successful people have set their eyes on a goal early in their lives.
That said, it's important that you get a solid education in order to realize your dream. Talk to a school counselor to make sure you are taking the courses you need to get into a good college. Do not let yourself be dissuaded by doubters. Your goal is a noble one.
DEAR ABBY: My mother has a terminal illness with only weeks to live. I have just learned from one of my relatives that Mom placed a baby for adoption when my siblings and I were very young.
I would love to find this stepbrother or sister. I feel an urgent need to locate him or her before Mother dies, so that they are able to meet. Mom has periods of confusion but is lucid some of the time. Family members are divided about whether or not this would be good for her. You opinion, please -- ASAP. -- ANXIOUS DAUGHTER IN NEW ENGLAND
DEAR ANXIOUS DAUGHTER: Let go of this fantasy. The time for a reunion was when your mother was healthy and had expressed her desire to be reunited with her child. She is in no condition now for such a dramatic event. For further confirmation, discuss this with her doctor.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)