For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: When I was in college 10 years ago, I experienced my first intimate relationship one summer with another student, "Bill." When the fall semester rolled around, I learned that my randomly selected roommate in the dorm was an ex-girlfriend of Bill's. I'll call her April.
I did not tell April about my relationship with Bill because she was still getting over him. Our romance continued for several weeks, but Bill and I were careful to keep it from her.
As the weeks went by, April and I became closer. I finally cut all ties with Bill because of the loyalty I felt to my roommate. In the decade that followed graduation, I married and had a family. I lead a quiet life and I am content.
A few days ago, I received a phone call out of the blue from April. To my astonishment, she informed me that after all these years, she and Bill are back together and about to be married. She asked me to attend the wedding.
I never came clean with April about my relationship with Bill -- and I have no plans to. Knowing him, he never breathed a word of it to her either.
I still hold both my ex-roommate and my ex-boyfriend close to my heart. They are an important part of my past. Would it be inappropriate to attend this wedding, considering the circumstances? -- EX IN A TANGLED WEB, SOMEWHERE IN OHIO
DEAR EX: You are older and happy, and so are they. The romance between you and Bill was over a long time ago. If you can go to the wedding and sincerely wish them both well, I see no reason not to attend.
DEAR ABBY: My live-in boyfriend, "Larry," carpools with me to work every day. We enjoy the benefits of sharing the hour-long commute -- the money we save on gas and maintenance, the commuter incentives offered by our workplace and each other's company.
The one thing I don't like is the fact that Larry is constantly late every morning -- which in turn makes me late. It's not as though he doesn't have plenty of time to get ready. After I've finished showering and dressing, Larry is still lying around in bed. Once he's up, he turns on the weather channel or checks his e-mail. By the time he finally showers and dresses, we're already running late. (His supervisor doesn't mind if he shows up around 10 a.m. However, I recently started a new job and am expected to be at my desk by 9 every morning.)
I've tried everything I can think of to get Larry to speed up his morning routine. I've joked, teased, nagged and begged. Now I've reached the point where I just sit on the couch and glare at him until he's ready to go. When I suggest we drive separately, he acts insulted. Is there some magic trick to convince my boyfriend of the importance of punctuality -- or should I bite the bullet and insist on making the hour-long commute by myself? -- ALWAYS TARDY IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ALWAYS TARDY: Your boyfriend may not be a morning person, but the lack of consideration he shows for the demands of your job could have severe repercussions on your career.
Give him a deadline to get ready to leave. (Set the clock ahead if necessary.) If he's not ready to go, leave without him. I'll bet that you won't have to do it twice.
COUPLE FEARS MOTHER'S DRESS WILL BE WEDDING SHOWSTOPPER
DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Kenny," and I are being married next month. We are upset and embarrassed about the slinky, low-cut gown his mother plans to wear. Kenny says if she goes through with wearing it, he doesn't want her at the church, the reception, or in any of the photos.
Both Kenny and I have tried to tell his mom that the dress is too revealing and not appropriate for the occasion. At first she said she'd find a different dress, but she has since changed her mind and plans to wear it because Kenny's dad "loves" the dress on her.
No one else in the family will back us up and tell her not to wear it. What can we do, Abby? Kenny's mom will be embarrassing her son and me on the most important day of our lives. Help! -- EMBARRASSED AND DISGUSTED IN FLORIDA
DEAR EMBARRASSED AND DISGUSTED: It's time for your fiance to have a man-to-man talk with his dad about the facts of life regarding decorum. If that fails, I recommend that the mother of the groom spend as much time as possible holding the large bridal bouquet for you. (Consider asking the florist to throw in a few extra ferns.)
DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and very sad. I started my own advice column at school and received tons of letters asking for help. The reason I did it is because I plan on becoming a psychologist when I'm an adult.
Every time I mention my column or my future plans, my family and friends laugh and think it's funny. A friend of my mother's told me that there's no way I could know at this point in my life what profession I want.
Abby, what should I do about people who have so little faith in me? Should I listen to them or try to brush off their remarks? Please help. -- SAD GIRL ON THE EASTERN SEABOARD
DEAR SAD GIRL: Tune them out. A child who knows what she (or he) wants to do at an early age is fortunate. It's called goal-setting, and many successful people have set their eyes on a goal early in their lives.
That said, it's important that you get a solid education in order to realize your dream. Talk to a school counselor to make sure you are taking the courses you need to get into a good college. Do not let yourself be dissuaded by doubters. Your goal is a noble one.
DEAR ABBY: My mother has a terminal illness with only weeks to live. I have just learned from one of my relatives that Mom placed a baby for adoption when my siblings and I were very young.
I would love to find this stepbrother or sister. I feel an urgent need to locate him or her before Mother dies, so that they are able to meet. Mom has periods of confusion but is lucid some of the time. Family members are divided about whether or not this would be good for her. You opinion, please -- ASAP. -- ANXIOUS DAUGHTER IN NEW ENGLAND
DEAR ANXIOUS DAUGHTER: Let go of this fantasy. The time for a reunion was when your mother was healthy and had expressed her desire to be reunited with her child. She is in no condition now for such a dramatic event. For further confirmation, discuss this with her doctor.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Expectant Mom Doesn't Expect Much From Father of Her Baby
DEAR ABBY: I am 23, enjoy a good job working for two lawyers, and plan to go back to school. I am also four months pregnant with "Kevin's" baby. In the beginning, he promised he'd support me and the baby and help us every step of the way. Kevin even promised my mother he'd finally get a job.
Well, I constantly have to remind Kevin about the promises he made. He finally admitted that he doesn't want to work -- period. He plans to take side jobs here and there and make money under the table, and says I shouldn't expect to change him. I asked him the other day why he promised he'd help me in the first place. His reply, "You put me on the spot."
With this baby on the way, I need to set goals and move forward. Is there anything I can do to make Kevin understand that he HAS to get a real job? Or should I accept that I'll be playing the parenthood role solo? -- MOM-TO-BE IN PHOENIX
DEAR MOM-TO-BE: It is clear from your letter that unless he is compelled by law, Kevin is going to flake out on his responsibilities, and he will be a poor role model for your baby. You are working for two lawyers. I urge you to discuss with them your options for convincing Kevin to act like a man. They are familiar with Arizona law, and I'm sure they'll be happy to help.
DEAR ABBY: What is an "emotional affair"? An office worker hinted to me that my husband is having one with a member of his staff. Does it lead to the ultimate affair? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: An emotional affair is a relationship in which the two people have a special kinship. It is very intimate, and often a prelude to a sexual affair. It includes sharing confidences, marital problems, emotional support -- and it's time taken away from the spouse and family that rightfully should be spent with them.
For the sake of your marriage, find out why your husband has chosen to communicate on this level with someone other than you. Some sessions with a marriage counselor would be helpful for both of you. If he is unwilling to go, go without him.
DEAR ABBY: I am recently engaged and have started planning my wedding. The problem is, certain members of my family and my fiance's family bring extra people to events. We both come from large families and can't afford for each family member or friend of a family member to come to everything.
I have planned a breakfast and shopping day for a few female family members and close friends. Unfortunately, a few invitees are already trying to invite more people.
Is there a nice way to stop this from happening? Before planning anything, I worked very hard to decide whom I would like to attend, and why. I'm afraid if I don't nip this in the bud it will snowball by the time of my wedding. How does one politely explain to people that they are not planning the event -- they are guests? -- CONCERNED IN THOUSAND OAKS, CALIF.
DEAR CONCERNED: Be nonconfrontational and direct. Tell the offenders exactly what you have told me. Sometimes people do things without thinking them through, and the only antidote is to politely draw the line.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)