What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
COUPLE FEARS MOTHER'S DRESS WILL BE WEDDING SHOWSTOPPER
DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Kenny," and I are being married next month. We are upset and embarrassed about the slinky, low-cut gown his mother plans to wear. Kenny says if she goes through with wearing it, he doesn't want her at the church, the reception, or in any of the photos.
Both Kenny and I have tried to tell his mom that the dress is too revealing and not appropriate for the occasion. At first she said she'd find a different dress, but she has since changed her mind and plans to wear it because Kenny's dad "loves" the dress on her.
No one else in the family will back us up and tell her not to wear it. What can we do, Abby? Kenny's mom will be embarrassing her son and me on the most important day of our lives. Help! -- EMBARRASSED AND DISGUSTED IN FLORIDA
DEAR EMBARRASSED AND DISGUSTED: It's time for your fiance to have a man-to-man talk with his dad about the facts of life regarding decorum. If that fails, I recommend that the mother of the groom spend as much time as possible holding the large bridal bouquet for you. (Consider asking the florist to throw in a few extra ferns.)
DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and very sad. I started my own advice column at school and received tons of letters asking for help. The reason I did it is because I plan on becoming a psychologist when I'm an adult.
Every time I mention my column or my future plans, my family and friends laugh and think it's funny. A friend of my mother's told me that there's no way I could know at this point in my life what profession I want.
Abby, what should I do about people who have so little faith in me? Should I listen to them or try to brush off their remarks? Please help. -- SAD GIRL ON THE EASTERN SEABOARD
DEAR SAD GIRL: Tune them out. A child who knows what she (or he) wants to do at an early age is fortunate. It's called goal-setting, and many successful people have set their eyes on a goal early in their lives.
That said, it's important that you get a solid education in order to realize your dream. Talk to a school counselor to make sure you are taking the courses you need to get into a good college. Do not let yourself be dissuaded by doubters. Your goal is a noble one.
DEAR ABBY: My mother has a terminal illness with only weeks to live. I have just learned from one of my relatives that Mom placed a baby for adoption when my siblings and I were very young.
I would love to find this stepbrother or sister. I feel an urgent need to locate him or her before Mother dies, so that they are able to meet. Mom has periods of confusion but is lucid some of the time. Family members are divided about whether or not this would be good for her. You opinion, please -- ASAP. -- ANXIOUS DAUGHTER IN NEW ENGLAND
DEAR ANXIOUS DAUGHTER: Let go of this fantasy. The time for a reunion was when your mother was healthy and had expressed her desire to be reunited with her child. She is in no condition now for such a dramatic event. For further confirmation, discuss this with her doctor.
Expectant Mom Doesn't Expect Much From Father of Her Baby
DEAR ABBY: I am 23, enjoy a good job working for two lawyers, and plan to go back to school. I am also four months pregnant with "Kevin's" baby. In the beginning, he promised he'd support me and the baby and help us every step of the way. Kevin even promised my mother he'd finally get a job.
Well, I constantly have to remind Kevin about the promises he made. He finally admitted that he doesn't want to work -- period. He plans to take side jobs here and there and make money under the table, and says I shouldn't expect to change him. I asked him the other day why he promised he'd help me in the first place. His reply, "You put me on the spot."
With this baby on the way, I need to set goals and move forward. Is there anything I can do to make Kevin understand that he HAS to get a real job? Or should I accept that I'll be playing the parenthood role solo? -- MOM-TO-BE IN PHOENIX
DEAR MOM-TO-BE: It is clear from your letter that unless he is compelled by law, Kevin is going to flake out on his responsibilities, and he will be a poor role model for your baby. You are working for two lawyers. I urge you to discuss with them your options for convincing Kevin to act like a man. They are familiar with Arizona law, and I'm sure they'll be happy to help.
DEAR ABBY: What is an "emotional affair"? An office worker hinted to me that my husband is having one with a member of his staff. Does it lead to the ultimate affair? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: An emotional affair is a relationship in which the two people have a special kinship. It is very intimate, and often a prelude to a sexual affair. It includes sharing confidences, marital problems, emotional support -- and it's time taken away from the spouse and family that rightfully should be spent with them.
For the sake of your marriage, find out why your husband has chosen to communicate on this level with someone other than you. Some sessions with a marriage counselor would be helpful for both of you. If he is unwilling to go, go without him.
DEAR ABBY: I am recently engaged and have started planning my wedding. The problem is, certain members of my family and my fiance's family bring extra people to events. We both come from large families and can't afford for each family member or friend of a family member to come to everything.
I have planned a breakfast and shopping day for a few female family members and close friends. Unfortunately, a few invitees are already trying to invite more people.
Is there a nice way to stop this from happening? Before planning anything, I worked very hard to decide whom I would like to attend, and why. I'm afraid if I don't nip this in the bud it will snowball by the time of my wedding. How does one politely explain to people that they are not planning the event -- they are guests? -- CONCERNED IN THOUSAND OAKS, CALIF.
DEAR CONCERNED: Be nonconfrontational and direct. Tell the offenders exactly what you have told me. Sometimes people do things without thinking them through, and the only antidote is to politely draw the line.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
BLAST FROM THE PAST MAKES EFFECTIVE CASE AGAINST TATTOOS
DEAR ABBY: You have printed letters about tattoos, so I thought you might get a kick out of my experience.
Two summers ago, my sister "Julie" confided that her daughter, "Whitney," had decided to get a tattoo before returning to college in the fall. Julie was upset about it, but could not change her daughter's mind because Whitney is on a full scholarship and didn't need anyone's approval. Julie asked if I could talk Whitney out of it, and I racked my brain trying to think of something to say that would sway her.
A few weeks later, our families got together to celebrate Julie's 50th birthday. Whitney was there with her boyfriend. After we all had enjoyed ice cream and cake, I took Whitney and her boyfriend into the living room and popped in a videotape of a party my husband and I had thrown during the disco craze of the '70s. There we were in our leisure suits, gold chains, permed hair, platform shoes and having a great time.
Whitney and her boyfriend were rolling on the floor with laughter. They couldn't believe that "look" was actually the craze at the time. "Yes," I said, "that was the style. But as times changed, styles changed, and what was once 'in' was soon 'out.'"
At that moment, Julie and her husband walked into the living room dressed in retro clothes and wigs. It was like we were in a time warp. They were followed by Grandma and Grandpa, who had applied fake tattoos to their arms and shoulders. Whitney was stunned to see her normally conservative grandparents so out of character.
It was then that we reminded Whitney we had been able to buy different clothes and change our hairstyles when the fad was over, but tattoos are forever.
Disco clothes and wigs: $85.
Fake tattoos: $30.
The look on Whitney's face: priceless!
(To date, no tattoos for Whitney.) -- CREATIVE IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR CREATIVE: Your letter: a gem.
Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words. You made your point with an object lesson that was far more effective than any lecture would have been. Thanks for the chuckle!
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 17-year-old guy with a big problem. Almost a year ago I got together with a girl I'll call Sara. I was told she had feelings for me. Little did I know what I was getting myself into.
Sara and I have been together ever since. She has always had problems with depression. I want to break up with her because she tries to control my life, but when I tell her we can't be together, she gets sad and cuts herself later.
It has gotten so bad that I'm afraid if I DO break up with her, she might do something drastic -- like commit suicide. I'm scared. What should I do? -- NO NAME, CITY OR STATE
DEAR NO NAME, CITY OR STATE: This is too big a problem for you to handle on your own. Talk to your parents, or a trusted teacher, coach or counselor and tell him or her what you have written to me. Sara needs professional help. Whether or not she is doing it intentionally, she is making you a prisoner of emotional blackmail.
Sara may be upset and angry when you divulge her problem, but in the long run, it's the biggest favor you could do her.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)