To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Expectant Mom Doesn't Expect Much From Father of Her Baby
DEAR ABBY: I am 23, enjoy a good job working for two lawyers, and plan to go back to school. I am also four months pregnant with "Kevin's" baby. In the beginning, he promised he'd support me and the baby and help us every step of the way. Kevin even promised my mother he'd finally get a job.
Well, I constantly have to remind Kevin about the promises he made. He finally admitted that he doesn't want to work -- period. He plans to take side jobs here and there and make money under the table, and says I shouldn't expect to change him. I asked him the other day why he promised he'd help me in the first place. His reply, "You put me on the spot."
With this baby on the way, I need to set goals and move forward. Is there anything I can do to make Kevin understand that he HAS to get a real job? Or should I accept that I'll be playing the parenthood role solo? -- MOM-TO-BE IN PHOENIX
DEAR MOM-TO-BE: It is clear from your letter that unless he is compelled by law, Kevin is going to flake out on his responsibilities, and he will be a poor role model for your baby. You are working for two lawyers. I urge you to discuss with them your options for convincing Kevin to act like a man. They are familiar with Arizona law, and I'm sure they'll be happy to help.
DEAR ABBY: What is an "emotional affair"? An office worker hinted to me that my husband is having one with a member of his staff. Does it lead to the ultimate affair? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: An emotional affair is a relationship in which the two people have a special kinship. It is very intimate, and often a prelude to a sexual affair. It includes sharing confidences, marital problems, emotional support -- and it's time taken away from the spouse and family that rightfully should be spent with them.
For the sake of your marriage, find out why your husband has chosen to communicate on this level with someone other than you. Some sessions with a marriage counselor would be helpful for both of you. If he is unwilling to go, go without him.
DEAR ABBY: I am recently engaged and have started planning my wedding. The problem is, certain members of my family and my fiance's family bring extra people to events. We both come from large families and can't afford for each family member or friend of a family member to come to everything.
I have planned a breakfast and shopping day for a few female family members and close friends. Unfortunately, a few invitees are already trying to invite more people.
Is there a nice way to stop this from happening? Before planning anything, I worked very hard to decide whom I would like to attend, and why. I'm afraid if I don't nip this in the bud it will snowball by the time of my wedding. How does one politely explain to people that they are not planning the event -- they are guests? -- CONCERNED IN THOUSAND OAKS, CALIF.
DEAR CONCERNED: Be nonconfrontational and direct. Tell the offenders exactly what you have told me. Sometimes people do things without thinking them through, and the only antidote is to politely draw the line.
BLAST FROM THE PAST MAKES EFFECTIVE CASE AGAINST TATTOOS
DEAR ABBY: You have printed letters about tattoos, so I thought you might get a kick out of my experience.
Two summers ago, my sister "Julie" confided that her daughter, "Whitney," had decided to get a tattoo before returning to college in the fall. Julie was upset about it, but could not change her daughter's mind because Whitney is on a full scholarship and didn't need anyone's approval. Julie asked if I could talk Whitney out of it, and I racked my brain trying to think of something to say that would sway her.
A few weeks later, our families got together to celebrate Julie's 50th birthday. Whitney was there with her boyfriend. After we all had enjoyed ice cream and cake, I took Whitney and her boyfriend into the living room and popped in a videotape of a party my husband and I had thrown during the disco craze of the '70s. There we were in our leisure suits, gold chains, permed hair, platform shoes and having a great time.
Whitney and her boyfriend were rolling on the floor with laughter. They couldn't believe that "look" was actually the craze at the time. "Yes," I said, "that was the style. But as times changed, styles changed, and what was once 'in' was soon 'out.'"
At that moment, Julie and her husband walked into the living room dressed in retro clothes and wigs. It was like we were in a time warp. They were followed by Grandma and Grandpa, who had applied fake tattoos to their arms and shoulders. Whitney was stunned to see her normally conservative grandparents so out of character.
It was then that we reminded Whitney we had been able to buy different clothes and change our hairstyles when the fad was over, but tattoos are forever.
Disco clothes and wigs: $85.
Fake tattoos: $30.
The look on Whitney's face: priceless!
(To date, no tattoos for Whitney.) -- CREATIVE IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR CREATIVE: Your letter: a gem.
Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words. You made your point with an object lesson that was far more effective than any lecture would have been. Thanks for the chuckle!
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 17-year-old guy with a big problem. Almost a year ago I got together with a girl I'll call Sara. I was told she had feelings for me. Little did I know what I was getting myself into.
Sara and I have been together ever since. She has always had problems with depression. I want to break up with her because she tries to control my life, but when I tell her we can't be together, she gets sad and cuts herself later.
It has gotten so bad that I'm afraid if I DO break up with her, she might do something drastic -- like commit suicide. I'm scared. What should I do? -- NO NAME, CITY OR STATE
DEAR NO NAME, CITY OR STATE: This is too big a problem for you to handle on your own. Talk to your parents, or a trusted teacher, coach or counselor and tell him or her what you have written to me. Sara needs professional help. Whether or not she is doing it intentionally, she is making you a prisoner of emotional blackmail.
Sara may be upset and angry when you divulge her problem, but in the long run, it's the biggest favor you could do her.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Chronic Pain Sufferer Finds Joy in Life One Step at a Time
DEAR ABBY: I have lived my entire life in constant pain. My childhood was rough. Now that I am an adult, I want to share some truths that I wish someone had shared with me -- in the hope that they will help a child who is struggling with physical or psychological pain today:
(1) Sometimes you feel like you're the only person in the world who knows what you are going through. You are right, because no one else can know what your specific pain feels like. However, other children have had experiences similar to what you are going through, and you don't have to face things alone.
(2) There are times you are going to be angry. That's only natural. What's happening to you is not fair, and it's OK to be angry about it. However, you must learn to deal with your anger and not lash out at others or become self-destructive.
(3) Sometimes you are going to be depressed. If it persists longer than two weeks, ask an adult for help -- a parent, a teacher or your doctor. If the first adult can't help you, KEEP ASKING. Depression makes everything harder than it should be. You can defeat it, but not alone.
(4) You have a right to understand what's wrong with you, what the doctors are doing about it, what medications you are on, and what the side effects might feel like. Sometimes adults want to "protect" children from the facts. They don't realize that what your imagination can conjure up will be far worse than the truth.
(5) If your treatment makes you feel bad, talk to your doctor about it. If you feel a doctor is not taking your problems seriously, immediately tell your parents or another responsible adult.
(6) Most of all, DON'T GIVE UP, even if you feel the odds are against you. Decide on a dream worth fighting for. Break your goals into small, doable steps -- and take one step at a time. You might not reach your goal, but if you don't try to get somewhere, you'll get nowhere.
Abby, I don't design rockets like I once dreamed of doing, but I do have my college degree, a good job and a loving spouse. While my life might be filled with physical pain, it's also filled with a greater amount of joy. Sign me ... SMILING THROUGH THE PAIN
DEAR SMILING: Thank you for an inspiring letter. I'm not surprised that you're smiling. You are a winner. And today, you have helped more people -- of all ages -- than you'll ever know.
DEAR ABBY: Can you tell me how to mend an American flag? Ours is badly torn in two places. We put it up shortly after Sept. 11 and have flown it on its brass flagpole ever since. We want to treat it with respect, but don't know if there is a specific protocol. Please help. -- PATRIOTS IN CARBONDALE, ILL.
DEAR PATRIOTS: When a flag is damaged or faded, it should be retired and replaced. According to the American Legion Flag Etiquette brochure: "When a flag has served its useful purpose, it should be destroyed, preferably by burning. For individual citizens this should be done discreetly so that the act of destruction is not perceived as a protest or desecration."
Many American Legion Posts conduct Disposal of Unserviceable Flag ceremonies on June 14, Flag Day, each year. There is a Web site: www.legion.org. (Click on "Our Flag.") This ceremony provides a dignified and solemn way of disposing of unserviceable flags.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)