To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months. He has cheated on me more times than I can count. I love him and want to make things work, but lately he hasn't wanted to spend any time with me. We'll meet somewhere and he'll ask me for money. When I give it to him, he leaves right away, and I won't see him again until he needs more. I feel obligated to give him the money because we have a child together.
I am only 20 and have my whole life ahead of me. I don't know whether to throw in the towel or hope for the best and maybe things will change. I hate being alone. Deep down, I don't trust him and feel like he's using me. -- HURTING IN THE NORTHWEST
DEAR HURTING: That lack of trust is your survival instinct. Your young man is nobody's boyfriend. He is a serial cheater and a user.
I urge you to see a lawyer, and establish paternity, custody and financial support for your child.
There is nothing lonelier than being in love all by yourself. Consider this: If you end this relationship, you'll have the possibility of meeting a man who is worthy of your love. So get going -- and don't look back.
DEAR ABBY: Our granddaughter, "Beth," has been anorexic since she was 13. She is now 18 and doing much better. However, she's not completely over it.
Beth had to quit school in her junior year because of her eating disorder. Since then, she's put on weight and has made every effort to get back to the way she was before she developed anorexia.
Her granddad and I are proud of the fact that she just completed her G.E.D. (general equivalency diploma), and we'd like to host a graduation party for her, but don't know if it's the right thing to do. Is it? We would appreciate a speedy reply. -- CARING GRANDPARENTS
DEAR CARING GRANDPARENTS: I see no reason not to have a party to celebrate your granddaughter's G.E.D. Ask her if she would like you to invite some of her old school friends. It is a symbol of your love and encouragement, and I'm sure she will appreciate it.
DEAR ABBY: I want to share with you and your readers something I did for my parents a few years ago for Mother's Day and Father's Day. I made them both a "thank-you" book.
I purchased a small photo album for each of them, and on every page I pasted an index card. On each card I wrote down one special thing that my folks had done for me.
"Thank you for building our beloved cabin with your own hands on Sebago Lake."
"Thank you for making us homemade ice cream so often."
"Thank you for helping me understand how important family is."
Abby, both parents told me it was the best gift they had ever received. -- PATTY BUCK, FALMOUTH, MAINE
DEAR PATTY: I'm not surprised. A meaningful gift does not have to be expensive. The thought behind it is what makes it a priceless treasure.
Suffering Insults in Silence Sets Bad Example for Girls
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about the letter from "Angry Mama," whose 9-year-old daughter, "Kristy," kept being addressed as "Weirdo" by her friend's father. You advised "limiting exposure" to this man, but I would like to raise a deeper issue:
What is Kristy learning from her mom's response to the insult? To bear it silently and passively? (Many women fear a confrontation.) Please tell Kristy that it is OK -- even essential -- for a person of any age to be able to say, "You may not speak to me that way. It's rude and I don't like it."
Her mother's apparent silence to this dad sends a message even more debilitating than his "weirdo" insults that the child will internalize as she grows.
I don't mean to be critical. I dread confrontation, too. But I did learn early on, from a wonderful therapist, that my son will learn how to respond to the world and to stand up for himself when necessary by watching ME. -- AWARE MAMA, SANTA MONICA, CALIF.
DEAR AWARE MAMA: The time and money you spent on the couch were not wasted. That's an important lesson, and all parents should heed it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Kristy's" mother is correct in not allowing her daughter to be subjected to that kind of treatment. It is not only inappropriate, but it could possibly be the father's way of "grooming" the girl for possible sexual abuse.
Provoking Kristy with offensive name-calling could be his way of manipulating her so she will do "anything" to win his approval. Not only should that girl stay away from him, but someone should be concerned about what's going on with HIS daughter.
If there is a mother in that home, she needs to be cautioned. If there is no mother, someone needs to reach out to the man's daughter and make sure she has someone in whom to confide.
As the mother of three daughters who were abused by a family member using the same tactic, I urge "Angry Mama" to act on the red flags she has recognized. -- PROTECTIVE MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER
DEAR PROTECTIVE: I advised the mother that it was her job to protect her daughter from abuse. I said that the friend's father appears to be insensitive, immature and a bit weird himself -- and that it's three strikes in my book.
It did not occur to me that he might also be a pedophile. Thank you for sharing your personal experience with me and my readers, and for the warning.
DEAR ABBY: I am finishing my first year in college. This last semester I've run up a lot of debt, not only on my credit card, but to my mom as well. I need to find a summer job.
My fear is that when I'm interviewing and reveal that I am available only in the summer because I'll be returning to school in the fall, I'll be told, "Thanks, but no thanks."
How should I approach employment applications and interviews? Should I lie? I don't like the idea, but the truth might not get me the money I need. Please help, Abby. -- ANXIOUS TO CLIMB OUT OF DEBT IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ANXIOUS: Rather than mislead anyone, apply to temporary personnel agencies. Since they provide short-term help to businesses, your time line should not be a problem.
P.S. A temp job can also morph into a permanent position after graduation.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
GIRL ASSAULTED BY FRIEND'S DAD DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT
DEAR ABBY: Last Saturday night, I went to a church dance. I didn't want to go, but my mother made me. I danced a few times, but mostly sat with another girl who's a good friend. When I got up to make a phone call in the hallway, I was unaware that her father had been watching me.
He followed me down the hall, grabbed me, and wouldn't let go. I tried to break away, but the harder I struggled, the tighter he held me. Nobody saw us. When I finally got away from him, I ran out of the building and all the way home.
I haven't told my mom about it because she would jump to the wrong conclusions -- and if I tell my friend, she might accuse me of lying about her dad and it would wreck our friendship. What should I do, Abby? -- TROUBLED TEEN GIRL IN LOGAN, UTAH
DEAR TROUBLED: You have to speak up. Tell your mother. Tell your clergyperson. Your friend's father is a predator. He assaulted you and he MUST be reported. If you remain silent, he could do something more serious to you or some other young girl. Please don't wait.
DEAR ABBY: I have been living with "Ken" for seven years. On two occasions in the past few months, he has told me he's dating someone else. Each time, Ken allowed me to believe it for more than an hour. Then he admitted he was "putting me on" -- that he was only testing me to see if I really loved him.
We were already having problems, and this "game" has caused me to doubt our future together. When Ken realized how upset and manipulated I felt, he apologized and said he regretted ever making such a statement.
I am trying to believe him and forgive him, but I'm having a hard time. Am I wrong for having doubts about him? -- ANGRY AND CONFUSED IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST
DEAR ANGRY AND CONFUSED: Your boyfriend's game is sadistic. You're right to have second thoughts about him. If Ken pulls something like this again, dump him and don't look back.
DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter from "Michigan Grandmother," whose son had recently divorced and whose grandchildren were starting to steal. In your reply you advised, "When couples separate, they still have a joint responsibility to the children they brought into this world."
I think that on some level, children know this. Often, when parents are having trouble in their lives (divorce in this case), children will act out in some manner -- such as stealing -- so that family members MUST come together to handle the crisis. The grandchildren in this instance may not actually expect their parents to reunite, but their stealing is "rewarded" by seeing their parents involved and coming together to work through the problem. In this way, they are once again a family -- even if it's just for a little while.
Time and love are great healers. Your advice to "Michigan Grandmother" was on the money. Spend more time with the boys until they have adjusted to the divorce. If they don't make the adjustment, family counseling is the next step. -- JULI HERREN, ST. PETE BEACH, FLA.
DEAR JULI: You said it very well. I agree.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)