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DEAR ABBY: I moved to Florida six years ago and got involved with a man soon after I arrived. He had just ended a 10-year relationship with his girlfriend. Two years later, he asked me to marry him. I was overjoyed -- and I was three months pregnant when I walked down the aisle.
When our daughter was barely 6 months old, I caught my husband having an affair with his ex. I was going to leave him, but I discovered I was pregnant with our son. He would leave for weekends, after fighting with me and getting drunk, to go see his former girlfriend. I finally had enough and filed for divorce.
My daughter is now 2 1/2 and my son is 15 months old. They haven't seen their father in almost three months. We all miss him. I thought he would return to me, but he hasn't. He has moved on.
I'm in my 20s with two kids. I hate being alone, but can't move on because my husband refuses to sign the divorce papers. What should I do? -- SAD AND ALONE IN FLORIDA
DEAR SAD AND ALONE: My legal experts tell me there is a procedure you can go through that will allow you to divorce your husband even though he refuses to sign the papers. Please discuss it with a lawyer.
Also check with the district attorney's office in your community. The staff there may be able to help you get child support, at no cost to you. Sometimes when spouses are forced to pay child support, they develop an interest in their children. As long as your husband is sober and behaving responsibly, this should be encouraged.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my boyfriend for five years. I'm only 18. Four months ago, I moved out of my parents' home so I could move in with him. Now I miss my mom and dad, but I don't want to tell my boyfriend. What should I do? -- HURTING IN MAINE
DEAR HURTING: You have a right to your feelings, and you're making a mistake to keep them hidden. You also have a right to change your mind. Consider this a valuable lesson. Go home and concentrate on your education. A woman should have the skills to be financially independent before linking up with a mate.
DEAR ABBY: I am a nursing home administrator employed by a large facility. I began my career as a nursing assistant, and in that capacity enjoyed caring for geriatric nursing home residents. My love for the work propelled me into nursing school, enabling me to have more input into the quality of patient care. After that, I was frequently promoted to higher positions and finally returned to school to become an administrator.
The truth is -- I hate it! I have somehow lost sight of my original goals. I have minimal patient contact and am miserable. The problem is, I have four children and we need the extra money my position provides. Also, I am reluctant to resign because I would be considered a "quitter."
I am a good administrator and have received outstanding performance reviews by the board of health. However, I cannot ignore the fact that I am deeply unhappy not having the opportunity to give hands-on patient care. What should I do? -- MISSING MY PATIENTS IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR MISSING: Push for the right to be hands-on at least half a day a week. Tell management it will make you a better administrator. (It will!) When your children are older and you need less money, follow your heart.
Daughter's Got the Goods on Stepfather's Advances
DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced mother of two young children. My mother has always been a tremendous financial and emotional help to us, and I'm proud of our relationship. She's a terrific person, but a pushover when it comes to "Ray," her husband of two years. Mom believes whatever he says -- wherein lies my problem.
Ray has been coming on to me for the last year. I don't know how to tell my mother. It's tearing me up inside, and I can't live with it anymore. My little sister told Mom a year ago that our stepfather came on to her, but Mom didn't believe her. Ray said my sister was the one who made the advances. (She was only 14 at the time!) Mom stood by her husband, and to this day maintains his innocence.
In an effort to make sure my mother believes me, I audiotaped my stepfather on the phone begging me to have sex with him. Do you think I should tell Mom I have evidence and insist that she listen to the tape? I don't want to lose my mother. I love her very much, and my children and I wouldn't know what to do without her in our lives. Please help. -- DESPERATE TO BE BELIEVED IN NORTH DAKOTA
DEAR DESPERATE: Get your mother alone, sit her down, and say, "Mom, this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I have to play this tape for you because our family is being destroyed." Her reaction to the tape will tell you what her future is with your stepfather -- and with you.
DEAR ABBY: My youngest stepdaughter is being married in mid-June. Her father and I are hosting a catered reception following the ceremony. We did the same thing for his other two daughters.
We are requesting that guests RSVP two weeks before the big day. My fear is that people will do what they did for the other girls' weddings -- either fail to RSVP and then show up anyway, or RSVP that they're coming and then not attend.
The first time around, we planned for 100 and only 25 showed up -- causing wasted food and expense. For the next wedding, we planned only for the 40 who RSVP'd their acceptance -- and twice as many showed up! It was awful. Many guests didn't get to eat. How can we guarantee that people will RSVP and then follow through? My husband and I are already going to financial extremes to make this a memorable and happy event. -- STEPMOTHER OF THE BRIDE IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST
DEAR STEPMOTHER: Invited guests who have not responded should be called prior to notifying the caterers of the final count. If the task is daunting, several people should do the calling.
It's sad that in this day and age, people do not seem to understand the importance of responding promptly, and following through if they have given their word -- particularly when the affair involves a large financial commitment on the part of the host.
DEAR ABBY: I have a crush on "Carl," a guy in one of my classes. My problem is, I can't get him to notice me. We are totally alike but he hasn't yet realized it, and he isn't giving me the attention I'd like.
Abby, I have done everything I can think of to get Carl to look my way. I even wore a T-shirt with his name on it, and dyed my blond hair his favorite color (blue). What should I do now? -- WANTS HIM BAD IN ARIZONA
DEAR WANTS: You've already done enough. I'm sure he's noticed you, but now it's time to step back, be a little less flamboyant -- and let Carl do the pursuing.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Ex Wife Is Caught Unaware in Couple's Snare of Deceit
DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife, "Jan," and I work for the same company. Before I filed for divorce, I secretly began dating her co-worker, "Carol." After the papers were filed, Jan moved out and, being upset, needed someone to talk to. She chose Carol to confide in.
Carol, not wanting to expose that we were lovers, gave Jan a sympathetic ear. At one point, Jan told Carol that she was her "best friend." Carol would sometimes call my wife to find out what her plans were on a particular night so our paths wouldn't cross if she and I were out on a date. Jan unknowingly baby-sat for Carol's children so we could sneak out.
Carol eventually broke up with me and wants to remain friends with Jan. Jan still does not know about our affair. This seems like the ultimate form of deceit.
Should I tell my ex-wife what really went on -- or keep my mouth shut? -- TORN BETWEEN TWO EX-LOVERS
DEAR TORN: Confession is good for the soul. By all means tell your ex the truth. You'll be doing her a favor. She thinks Carol is her friend instead of the opportunist she really is. A person who will betray you once will think nothing of doing it again. (You should know!)
DEAR ABBY: I am a 47-year-old divorced mother of two boys. My ex split four years ago, and for the past two years I've been dating a wonderful man I'll call Ron.
My 80-year-old mother met Ron early on and says she cannot stand him. She can't give me a reason, but insults him to his face, which is every bit as insulting to me. I love Ron and want to marry him, but Mother is making it impossible. She constantly makes demeaning remarks about him to my boys.
Ron is urging me to limit the amount of time the kids and I spend with Mother. However, I am an only child and she never lets me forget I'm "all she has." Abby, I love Ron -- and so do my boys -- but Mom is making all of us miserable. Help! -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE IN TEXAS
DEAR CAUGHT: Now is the time to be strong and nip this in the bud. Tell your mother that you and the boys are no longer all she has. She has Ron, too. She can accept him as the man you love and be part of your "one big happy family," or she can risk isolating herself by putting him down and trying to control you. The choice is hers.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Gene," retired 10 years ago. During his long career, he wore a suit and tie every day. Although Gene was never a slave to fashion, he showered and shaved, used a deodorant and put on clean underwear every day.
Since Gene's retirement, his attention to personal hygiene has deteriorated. He showers, shaves and changes his clothes only once or twice a week. I have to constantly change our bedding and use room freshener on the pillows, sofa cushions, etc.
I have tried presenting myself as a "role model," telling my husband how good it makes me feel to be clean and start "fresh" every day, hoping he'll get the message. But he thinks I'm being obsessive. Abby, what should I do? -- WANTING A CLEAN GENE IN A LAS VEGAS SUBURB
DEAR WANTING: It's time to talk to your husband's doctor. Changes in personal hygiene can be a symptom of serious depression. Your husband's whole identity may have been tied to his job -- and now needs help. He needs a mental and physical evaluation by his doctor. Marriage and individual counseling could also benefit you both. Please don't wait.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)