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Suffering Insults in Silence Sets Bad Example for Girls
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about the letter from "Angry Mama," whose 9-year-old daughter, "Kristy," kept being addressed as "Weirdo" by her friend's father. You advised "limiting exposure" to this man, but I would like to raise a deeper issue:
What is Kristy learning from her mom's response to the insult? To bear it silently and passively? (Many women fear a confrontation.) Please tell Kristy that it is OK -- even essential -- for a person of any age to be able to say, "You may not speak to me that way. It's rude and I don't like it."
Her mother's apparent silence to this dad sends a message even more debilitating than his "weirdo" insults that the child will internalize as she grows.
I don't mean to be critical. I dread confrontation, too. But I did learn early on, from a wonderful therapist, that my son will learn how to respond to the world and to stand up for himself when necessary by watching ME. -- AWARE MAMA, SANTA MONICA, CALIF.
DEAR AWARE MAMA: The time and money you spent on the couch were not wasted. That's an important lesson, and all parents should heed it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Kristy's" mother is correct in not allowing her daughter to be subjected to that kind of treatment. It is not only inappropriate, but it could possibly be the father's way of "grooming" the girl for possible sexual abuse.
Provoking Kristy with offensive name-calling could be his way of manipulating her so she will do "anything" to win his approval. Not only should that girl stay away from him, but someone should be concerned about what's going on with HIS daughter.
If there is a mother in that home, she needs to be cautioned. If there is no mother, someone needs to reach out to the man's daughter and make sure she has someone in whom to confide.
As the mother of three daughters who were abused by a family member using the same tactic, I urge "Angry Mama" to act on the red flags she has recognized. -- PROTECTIVE MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER
DEAR PROTECTIVE: I advised the mother that it was her job to protect her daughter from abuse. I said that the friend's father appears to be insensitive, immature and a bit weird himself -- and that it's three strikes in my book.
It did not occur to me that he might also be a pedophile. Thank you for sharing your personal experience with me and my readers, and for the warning.
DEAR ABBY: I am finishing my first year in college. This last semester I've run up a lot of debt, not only on my credit card, but to my mom as well. I need to find a summer job.
My fear is that when I'm interviewing and reveal that I am available only in the summer because I'll be returning to school in the fall, I'll be told, "Thanks, but no thanks."
How should I approach employment applications and interviews? Should I lie? I don't like the idea, but the truth might not get me the money I need. Please help, Abby. -- ANXIOUS TO CLIMB OUT OF DEBT IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ANXIOUS: Rather than mislead anyone, apply to temporary personnel agencies. Since they provide short-term help to businesses, your time line should not be a problem.
P.S. A temp job can also morph into a permanent position after graduation.
GIRL ASSAULTED BY FRIEND'S DAD DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT
DEAR ABBY: Last Saturday night, I went to a church dance. I didn't want to go, but my mother made me. I danced a few times, but mostly sat with another girl who's a good friend. When I got up to make a phone call in the hallway, I was unaware that her father had been watching me.
He followed me down the hall, grabbed me, and wouldn't let go. I tried to break away, but the harder I struggled, the tighter he held me. Nobody saw us. When I finally got away from him, I ran out of the building and all the way home.
I haven't told my mom about it because she would jump to the wrong conclusions -- and if I tell my friend, she might accuse me of lying about her dad and it would wreck our friendship. What should I do, Abby? -- TROUBLED TEEN GIRL IN LOGAN, UTAH
DEAR TROUBLED: You have to speak up. Tell your mother. Tell your clergyperson. Your friend's father is a predator. He assaulted you and he MUST be reported. If you remain silent, he could do something more serious to you or some other young girl. Please don't wait.
DEAR ABBY: I have been living with "Ken" for seven years. On two occasions in the past few months, he has told me he's dating someone else. Each time, Ken allowed me to believe it for more than an hour. Then he admitted he was "putting me on" -- that he was only testing me to see if I really loved him.
We were already having problems, and this "game" has caused me to doubt our future together. When Ken realized how upset and manipulated I felt, he apologized and said he regretted ever making such a statement.
I am trying to believe him and forgive him, but I'm having a hard time. Am I wrong for having doubts about him? -- ANGRY AND CONFUSED IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST
DEAR ANGRY AND CONFUSED: Your boyfriend's game is sadistic. You're right to have second thoughts about him. If Ken pulls something like this again, dump him and don't look back.
DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter from "Michigan Grandmother," whose son had recently divorced and whose grandchildren were starting to steal. In your reply you advised, "When couples separate, they still have a joint responsibility to the children they brought into this world."
I think that on some level, children know this. Often, when parents are having trouble in their lives (divorce in this case), children will act out in some manner -- such as stealing -- so that family members MUST come together to handle the crisis. The grandchildren in this instance may not actually expect their parents to reunite, but their stealing is "rewarded" by seeing their parents involved and coming together to work through the problem. In this way, they are once again a family -- even if it's just for a little while.
Time and love are great healers. Your advice to "Michigan Grandmother" was on the money. Spend more time with the boys until they have adjusted to the divorce. If they don't make the adjustment, family counseling is the next step. -- JULI HERREN, ST. PETE BEACH, FLA.
DEAR JULI: You said it very well. I agree.
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Restaurant's Plea to Parents Makes Meal a Pleasure for All
DEAR ABBY: "Annoyed in the Sunshine State" described a meal in an upscale restaurant that was ruined because of disruptive children at a nearby table. She asked what you would have done had you been the manager.
While traveling in Arizona with adult friends, we stopped at an attractive restaurant. After we were seated, we saw the following card, which had been placed on each table in the dining room:
"We ask parents to monitor the conduct of their children while dining with us. We ask that all children remain seated.
"As parents, we fully empathize with teaching your children how to behave at the dinner table. We ask for proper decorum from all of our guests and appreciate parents' cooperation in supervising your children while dining with us."
I counted nine young children in the room. They were all well-behaved and having fun. -- NANCY IN FAIRFIELD, OHIO
DEAR NANCY: I'd say that was a well-run establishment. The management was certainly within its rights to assure the enjoyment of all of the patrons who dined there -- regardless of age. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Let me tell you how the manager of an O'Charley's restaurant handled out-of-control children. Customers were complaining; some were threatening to leave and some were walking out. The family had ordered their food.
The manager walked up to the parents, thanked them for coming in, and explained that other customers were complaining about the noise their children were making. Then he asked them to leave. He had boxed up their dinners and the food was waiting FREE at the door. He had also included complimentary desserts. It was great! The family had to get up and leave because there was nothing they could say. Everybody won. -- PHYLLIS IN WEST CHESTER, OHIO
DEAR PHYLLIS: I'll bet the other patrons applauded and will return again for peaceful dining.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Annoyed," I just had to write about how a mother admirably handled her toddler's temper tantrum.
I was enjoying a restaurant meal with friends when a child began crying and screaming. A few seconds later, the young mother hurried toward the exit with her squirming, screaming child in her arms. My friends and I, veteran mothers and grandmothers, glanced after her sympathetically.
Several minutes later, the mother returned, leading the now-calm child by the hand. They stopped at each table, and I soon realized that the little boy -- with gentle help from his mother -- was apologizing to the diners for disturbing them. What a lucky child to have a mother who understands that "discipline" means TEACHING. -- IMPRESSED IN THE NORTHWEST
DEAR IMPRESSED: What a lucky child to have a conscientious parent who didn't abdicate responsibility and inflict him on other people.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "The story -- from 'Rumplestiltskin' to 'War and Peace' -- is one of the basic tools invented by the human mind, for the purpose of gaining understanding. There have been great societies that did not use the wheel, but there have been no societies that did not tell stories." -- URSULA K. LE GUIN, 1979
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