For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Ex Wife Is Caught Unaware in Couple's Snare of Deceit
DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife, "Jan," and I work for the same company. Before I filed for divorce, I secretly began dating her co-worker, "Carol." After the papers were filed, Jan moved out and, being upset, needed someone to talk to. She chose Carol to confide in.
Carol, not wanting to expose that we were lovers, gave Jan a sympathetic ear. At one point, Jan told Carol that she was her "best friend." Carol would sometimes call my wife to find out what her plans were on a particular night so our paths wouldn't cross if she and I were out on a date. Jan unknowingly baby-sat for Carol's children so we could sneak out.
Carol eventually broke up with me and wants to remain friends with Jan. Jan still does not know about our affair. This seems like the ultimate form of deceit.
Should I tell my ex-wife what really went on -- or keep my mouth shut? -- TORN BETWEEN TWO EX-LOVERS
DEAR TORN: Confession is good for the soul. By all means tell your ex the truth. You'll be doing her a favor. She thinks Carol is her friend instead of the opportunist she really is. A person who will betray you once will think nothing of doing it again. (You should know!)
DEAR ABBY: I am a 47-year-old divorced mother of two boys. My ex split four years ago, and for the past two years I've been dating a wonderful man I'll call Ron.
My 80-year-old mother met Ron early on and says she cannot stand him. She can't give me a reason, but insults him to his face, which is every bit as insulting to me. I love Ron and want to marry him, but Mother is making it impossible. She constantly makes demeaning remarks about him to my boys.
Ron is urging me to limit the amount of time the kids and I spend with Mother. However, I am an only child and she never lets me forget I'm "all she has." Abby, I love Ron -- and so do my boys -- but Mom is making all of us miserable. Help! -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE IN TEXAS
DEAR CAUGHT: Now is the time to be strong and nip this in the bud. Tell your mother that you and the boys are no longer all she has. She has Ron, too. She can accept him as the man you love and be part of your "one big happy family," or she can risk isolating herself by putting him down and trying to control you. The choice is hers.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Gene," retired 10 years ago. During his long career, he wore a suit and tie every day. Although Gene was never a slave to fashion, he showered and shaved, used a deodorant and put on clean underwear every day.
Since Gene's retirement, his attention to personal hygiene has deteriorated. He showers, shaves and changes his clothes only once or twice a week. I have to constantly change our bedding and use room freshener on the pillows, sofa cushions, etc.
I have tried presenting myself as a "role model," telling my husband how good it makes me feel to be clean and start "fresh" every day, hoping he'll get the message. But he thinks I'm being obsessive. Abby, what should I do? -- WANTING A CLEAN GENE IN A LAS VEGAS SUBURB
DEAR WANTING: It's time to talk to your husband's doctor. Changes in personal hygiene can be a symptom of serious depression. Your husband's whole identity may have been tied to his job -- and now needs help. He needs a mental and physical evaluation by his doctor. Marriage and individual counseling could also benefit you both. Please don't wait.
Meddling Mother's Shadow Dogs Couple's Every Move
DEAR ABBY: My live-in girlfriend, "Penny," and I are in our mid-30s. We have two young daughters from previous relationships. My problem is Penny's mother, "Marge," who insists on being included in everything we do. We can't make a move without Marge demanding to know what we did, where we went, who we met, etc. She even wants to know what we ate if we go out for a meal!
Penny's mom invites herself on our shopping trips, to the movies and dinners out. If we do something without letting her know, we'll come home to multiple messages on the answering machine from Marge, using the excuse that she "worries" when she doesn't know where we are.
What I don't understand is the fact that this woman has a husband at home. Why she can't leave us alone, I'll never know. It's to the point that I am rethinking my future with her daughter, because I don't want to hang with "Mom" all the time. Please advise. -- THREE'S A CROWD IN SOUTHERN IDAHO
DEAR THREE'S A CROWD: It appears that Marge's life has become so centered on Penny that she has no other social outlets. It is interesting to me that she and Penny's father do not seem to have a social life of their own, and makes me wonder what she could be running from.
Penny and her mother could benefit from counseling together. While a close mother/daughter bond is important, you have described one in which the mother has become obsessive. Both of them need to understand that this behavior could cost Penny her relationship with you.
Please don't end the relationship yet. Your lady needs to learn how to set boundaries, and she needs your support now more than ever.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter's preschool teacher sent the following letter home last week. If you think it would benefit your readers, would you please consider printing it? -- A PARENT IN TEXAS
DEAR PARENT: The message in that letter is powerful. I hope other parents will heed it. Read on:
"Dear Parents: Today I attended the funeral of my 3-week-old niece. She died of suffocation in bed with her mother, her father and her 2-year-old sister.
"I don't need to tell you the shock and sorrow this tragedy has caused. As parents, we can only imagine such a nightmare. It will take a lifetime of healing and God's grace to get past this.
"Although my niece's death was tragic, she didn't die in vain if, through her death, other lives can be saved.
"I know it's popular and natural to gather your children into bed with you -- whether for their safety and security, for bonding, or just to get a good night's sleep. We've all been there.
"So, it isn't out of judgment or criticism that I write this note but only out of caution -- a warning. Be careful. It CAN happen. It happened to my family. Please, don't let it happen to yours."
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Prince Charming Battles Past Abuse to Win His Lady's Heart
DEAR ABBY: I've been going out with an extraordinarily attractive woman I'll call Alice. We love spending time together. However, she has some issues I don't know how to handle. Alice was abused by several ex-boyfriends and her self-esteem is zero. She is intelligent, witty, caring -- but doesn't believe a word I say because of the mind games she has been subjected to.
I'm one of those "knight in shining armor" types who is faithful, doesn't throw temper tantrums, remembers to put the toilet seat down, gives my lady fresh flowers, etc., but whenever we talk about our future, she ends up in tears. She tells me she doesn't deserve to be treated so nicely and runs away because everything I am is so foreign to her. It's as though she's waiting for the other shoe to drop -- a shoe I don't have in my hand.
I want Alice to know she is a valuable person and worthy of the love I want to give her. Have any of your female readers been abused by an old boyfriend, met a nice guy, and then were able to have a normal relationship? -- ANONYMOUS IN ANCHORAGE
DEAR ANONYMOUS: The answer to your question is an emphatic YES. Read on -- the following letter arrived the same day as yours.
DEAR ABBY: I have been in several abusive relationships in the past. Not just physical, but mental and verbal as well. I have kissed a lot of frogs who ended up being toads instead of princes -- so I finally quit looking. The barrage of abuse to which I had been subjected left me with self-esteem so low I wondered why any man would want to be with me.
My last boyfriend tried to have me arrested after he hid a bunch of his stuff and said I stole it. After a long investigation by the police, they realized he was lying. The guy left owing me a large sum of money, and the only thing I can say is that it was the best loss I ever took.
Last fall, after things quieted down, I found a better job. I quit looking for the frog who would turn into a prince, and met a man who adores me. He thinks I am pretty. I cried the first time he said it to me. I had never heard it from anyone before. When we talk on the phone, I hear "I love you" no less than a dozen times. This has helped me greatly and my self-esteem is slowly rebuilding.
I'd like to say to all the women who read your column that if I can break the cycle of abuse, anyone can. It may take time to find the person God intended you to be with, but you will. -- FINALLY HAPPY IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR FINALLY HAPPY: Congratulations on your healing. After any trauma, it takes time to recover. That is why it's so important to proceed slowly, and not jump from the frying pan into the fire.
Learning to trust your own judgment, act on your instincts and not compromise your ideals is a process. Counseling can speed it up.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)