For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Neighborhood Affair Causes Misery for Everyone Involved
DEAR ABBY: I have been involved with "Christopher" for three years. Our relationship started out as an affair. Chris was married with two small children and lived two doors down from me. He ended up leaving his wife and kids for me -- causing pain for everyone.
After the divorce, Chris was ordered to pay child support, alimony and the family's mortgage. He stopped paying when his wife moved in a lover who was a neighbor from across the street. Soon after that she kicked him out and took up with a guy she met on the Internet. The two children were neglected and finally taken into state custody. (They have since been returned to her after a year-long court battle.) The state would never allow Christopher to take the kids because his ex brought to light his prison history and ongoing alcohol addiction.
My problem is, after three years of this drama, I still feel I can't trust Chris -- that he always needs to be "baby-sat." He is not the world's most responsible guy. For instance, instead of going to work, he may end up in a bar -- and not even call to let me know. I'm always scared and worrying about what he's doing and where he is.
On top of all this, Chris is facing more prison time. My head tells me he's not worth the trouble he's caused, but my heart won't let go of the hope he'll change. Maybe I should have walked away when he first cheated on his wife with me -- the first time he lied, the first time he left me in the middle of the night to go out and do who-knows-what.
Should I wait until Chris goes to jail, then send him a Dear John letter and start over someplace else? Or should I get out now? If I threatened to leave him, he'd go nuts. Yet he feels OK about living a reckless and selfish life. Abby, who really has the problem here -- me or him? -- CONFUSED TO THE MAXIMUM IN MISSOURI
DEAR CONFUSED TO THE MAX: Interesting question. I'd say you both do. Your boyfriend can't toe the line, and you can't let go. From my perspective, Chris can offer you no future. However, if you think he will "go nuts" if you indicate that you're leaving, it would be better if you wait until the state takes him away from you.
DEAR ABBY: My teacher told me I should write to you with my etiquette question about envelopes.
Should people mail their personal letters in envelopes that have a curved-edge closing flap or a straight-edge closing flap? Someone told me that one kind is for personal letters and the other kind is for business letters. Is this true? -- JOSH IN CHICAGO
DEAR JOSH: If it's true, it's the first I have heard of it. To most people, the most important thing is what's inside the envelope, not the shape of the flap.
DEAR ABBY: My mom divorced my dad two years ago because he's an alcoholic. Dad's a good guy, but when he's drunk he gets mean and hateful -- and sometimes violent.
Mom has benefited from the divorce and is much happier. About a year ago, she met a wonderful guy I'll call Dan. I like him a lot and he makes Mom happy.
My dad, on the other hand, hasn't done so well. He blames Mom for everything that's gone wrong with him and even accused her of divorcing him because she was having an affair (which is absolutely not true).
I will be graduating from high school next month. I can't NOT invite either parent, because I know they'd be hurt. I also can't NOT invite Dan because he's like a second father to me. What should I do, Abby? My fear is that my father will arrive drunk at my graduation, cause a scene or start a fight with Dan. Any advice would be appreciated. -- GIRL ABOUT TO GRADUATE
DEAR ABOUT TO GRADUATE: Talk to your father about your concerns. If he cannot promise faithfully that he will behave like a gentleman, do not invite him. Tell him that this is your day -- not his, not your mother's and not Dan's -- and you need to be assured it won't be spoiled.
DEAR ABBY: Whenever I read in one of your columns a reminder about sending messages of encouragement to personnel in the military, I become frustrated. I would like to send a message, but I'm not sure where to send it.
I want to send encouragement, love and heartfelt thanks to all the gay men and women who serve our country whenever and wherever they are needed. In an already stressful situation, they have the added stress of staying in the closet. They not only have to fear the enemies of our country, but also that a homophobic colleague will betray them.
As it was in the Gulf War, their sexual orientation will be ignored because they are needed, but as soon as the action and/or threat is over, they will be tossed aside as many before them have been.
Please, Abby, let them know that we admire, care and think about them and the sacrifices they are making. -- MARTIN IN FORT LAUDERDALE, FLA.
DEAR MARTIN: Thank you for pointing out the unfairness of "situational discrimination." A person's sexual orientation has nothing to do with his or her degree of patriotism or ability to successfully defend our country.
DEAR ABBY: My son is a junior in high school and dating "Lynn," who's a senior. They've been going together for nearly nine months.
Lynn asked my son to go with her to the senior prom. I am unsure about the proper etiquette regarding money. How much of the cost should my son be responsible for?
Keep in mind that it is HER prom. She invited him to be her date. Is it OK for them to split the expenses? My son seems to think he should pay for everything, but I disagree. Please give us some advice, Abby. He's nervous enough as it is! -- SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA MOM
DEAR MOM: Your son should not pay for everything. Even though he was invited, it would be appropriate for him to offer to pay half the cost. They could do it this way: He buys dinner, her corsage, and provides the transportation. She buys the tickets for the prom, his boutonniere and the photographs.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOTHER WITH DEMENTIA NEEDS SUPPORT OF WELL-MEANING FRIENDS
DEAR ABBY: My mother is in her early 70s and was recently diagnosed with dementia. My family and I are in the process of looking at assisted-living facilities.
The problem we're facing is well-meaning neighbors and old family friends who say that Mom is "too young" to consider assisted living as an option. This is causing her (and me) much undue stress. She has lived in her home for more than 30 years and has been alone since Dad passed away 10 years ago.
Abby, none of these people understand that my mother forgets to take her medication, loses her checkbook, has gotten lost driving -- or forgets why she's in her car in the first place. They don't realize that performing simple household tasks like laundry and cooking meals has become a burden for Mom and exhausts her.
It has been a difficult decision for my mother to agree to leave her home and accept the assistance she needs -- and some people are making it harder. What can I say to these folks to change their attitude about our decision and encourage them to support my mother with love and acceptance as we move forward? She needs that now more than ever. Sign me ... WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR MOM IN NEW YORK
DEAR WANT WHAT'S BEST: Sit down with these well-meaning people and explain exactly what you have told me. It is important that they understand your mother is no longer the person she once was, as much as you all might wish it. Dementia is a disease that affects not only the sufferers, but everyone who loves them. I'm sure these people will be less resistant once they fully understand what is going on. Be sure to encourage them to visit her and remain a part of her life.
DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Bonnie," and I have been married for 25 years and have two great kids. When our daughter left for college three years ago, Bonnie began to "rediscover herself." In the process, she became friendly with "Roger," a 35-year-old single man from our church. I found a picture of him hidden in Bonnie's Bible.
Roger lived with our family for two weeks before moving to a neighboring city. Every morning when he was here, Bonnie got up early to make his breakfast and was at the door to say her "goodbyes." She has never done that for me.
A few months ago, Roger contacted our 19-year-old daughter when he was passing through her college town and took her to dinner. Afterward they stopped by her apartment, and Roger kissed her on the lips, telling her it would be "their secret." As soon as our daughter was able to convince him to leave, she called us to tell us what happened.
My problem is that Bonnie has forgiven Roger, but my daughter, son and I have not. My wife continues to see him on occasion, although always in the company of others. However, in paying our bills, I have discovered that she calls his cell phone up to 70 times per month. Needless to say, I do not want Roger in our home. Bonnie refuses to understand why the children and I feel so unforgiving toward him. What do you think, Abby? -- EMPTY IN NEW ENGLAND
DEAR EMPTY: It's time for you and Bonnie to get some pastoral counseling. It appears that Bonnie has a crush on Roger, and Roger has the hots for your daughter. If Bonnie refuses to go to counseling, go without her, and don't be afraid to name names.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)