For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
TEEN WHO THREATENS SUICIDE NEEDS HELP NOW, NOT LATER
DEAR ABBY: My youngest stepson killed himself four months ago. He was only 16. His father and I knew what signs to look for, but we didn't recognize any of them in him. The friends who were with him the day he died knew he wanted to commit suicide, and they also knew he had a loaded gun. However, thinking they had talked him out of going through with it, they left him alone. By the time he was found, it was too late.
I am writing this so others will understand that a person who threatens suicide should never be left alone -- especially if he or she has the means to do it. I know my stepson's friends thought they had the situation under control and that he'd be all right -- but he wasn't.
My family will grieve our son's loss for the rest of our lives. As long as I live, I will never understand why no one called us or the authorities. -- HEARTBROKEN IN TEXAS
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your stepson. Many kids are hesitant to "rat" on each other. They are optimistic and also consider themselves and their contemporaries to be immune to danger. In your stepson's case, they tragically miscalculated -- and, like you, will also grieve the loss of your stepson for the rest of their lives because a suicide has an impact on everyone.
The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) publishes a fact sheet to help people recognize signs of depression and suicide risk. They are:
(1) Change in personality: sad, withdrawn, irritable, anxious, tired, indecisive, apathetic.
(2) Change in behavior: can't concentrate on work, school, routine tasks.
(3) Change in sleep pattern: oversleeping or insomnia, sometimes with early waking.
(4) Change in eating habits: loss of appetite and weight, or overeating.
(5) Loss of interest in friends, sex, hobbies, activities previously enjoyed.
(6) Worry about money, illness (either real or imaginary).
(7) Fear of losing control, going crazy, harming self or others.
(8) Feelings of overwhelming guilt, shame, self-hatred.
(9) No hope for the future: "It will never get better; I will always feel this way."
(10) Drug or alcohol abuse.
(11) Recent loss through death, divorce, separation, broken relationship, or loss of job, money, status, self-confidence, self-esteem.
(12) Loss of religious faith.
(13) Nightmares.
(14) Suicidal impulses, statements, plans; giving away favorite things; previous suicide attempts or gestures.
(15) Agitation, hyperactivity, restlessness may indicate masked depression.
If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal, IMMEDIATELY call the National Hopeline Network's toll-free access number: (800) SUICIDE (784-2433). You will automatically be linked to the closest available accredited suicide hotline. Tell the counselor who answers what is going on and you will receive help.
Man Jailed With Buddy's Killer Is Trying to Forgive
DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old inmate. Two years ago, one of my best friends was killed by a drunk driver. When I was sentenced for theft and incarcerated here, I learned that the guy who killed my buddy is also doing time in this correction center.
For the longest time, I hated the guy who killed my pal. But after a while I started feeling bad for him. He has to live for the rest of his life with the fact that he killed someone because he got behind the wheel when he was wasted.
At first, all I wanted to know was what happened that night. But after time went by, I ended up wanting to forgive him. When I told my friend's wife, "Trisha," that I was getting to know this guy, she got really angry.
I understand how Trisha feels, but she's not the only one whose life was wrecked that night. I lost a good buddy and I'm trying to forgive the man who's responsible. Am I on the right track here, Abby? -- ONE-DAY-AT-A-TIMER IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR ONE-DAY-AT-A-TIMER: I think you are. However, to forgive -- or not to forgive -- is a personal decision. I understand the widow's pain and anger, but she should not judge you for choosing to divest yourself of the burden of hate. Hate corrodes the vessel that carries it.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 32-year-old single female whose past has been filled with physical, emotional and sexual abuse that began when I was 5.
Even though my past was horrendous, I've always felt that my life would get better. Well, two marriages and several long-term relationships later, I am STILL being abused. It seems I attract only men who are physically abusive, emotionally unavailable -- or both.
Do you think there is something in my character that tells abusive men I am an easy target? I am so sad and lonely that I've found myself thinking more and more about killing myself. I know I have something to live for -- I just don't know what it is. -- LOST AND UNLOVED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR LOST AND UNLOVED: If you have a plan to kill yourself, I urge you to pick up the phone, speak to the operator and ask to be connected to the suicide hotline. Please get the help you deserve so you can lead the happy, healthy life you want. That road begins with counseling to rid yourself of the baggage from your childhood. With professional help, you'll learn to break unhealthy and unhappy patterns and "reprogram" your expectations about what is normal and acceptable in relationships. Please don't wait.
DEAR ABBY: About eight years ago, I ordered your two cookbooklets and I loved the recipes, especially the Spicy Shrimp or Lobster Appetizer and the Gourmet Rice Pudding you offered. I loaned one booklet out -- and never got it back -- and misplaced the other. Are they still available? If so, how can I get copies of them? -- J.P. IN ALBANY, N.Y.
DEAR J.P.: My cookbooklet set is frequently requested and it's still available. It contains some wonderful family favorite recipes and can be ordered by sending a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Teen Virgin Should Reconsider Making Prom Date Her 'First'
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend "Adam" and I are high school seniors. We have been serious for only three months, but we've been dating for more than a year. He is sexually experienced, but I am not -- I'm still the "Big V."
On prom night, I want Adam to be my "first," but because I have been disappointed in the past, I don't want to be left heartbroken. I love Adam with all my heart -- he's all I want in a guy. But I feel torn about what to do. Should I go ahead and "seize the day"? Or should I make him wait? Please help! -- TEEN GIRL IN THE GAMBLING STATE
DEAR TEEN GIRL: Your boyfriend may be a wonderful person, but to lose your virginity simply to celebrate prom night is not a mature decision. Sex carries with it responsibilities -- and can result in unplanned "surprises," as the following letter shows. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I was an A student in high school and was accepted into both Cornell and Stanford. I had a brilliant future in front of me on a silver platter -- then I had a baby. I did not get pregnant on purpose. I had my son because I could not bring myself to get an abortion or give up my baby. It has not been an easy road.
I married my baby's father, even though he was only one month out of high school, and I dropped out of my first year of college. The first 10 years of our marriage were spent struggling to make ends meet. He worked, making $6.25 an hour as a roofer's apprentice. I waited tables at night, sometimes until 2 or 3 a.m., then I would get up at 6:30 a.m. to feed the baby. There was no money to go out with friends or for new clothes, and we lived in a tiny house in a bad neighborhood. Lack of money caused most of our marital problems.
Abby, as much as I loved my son, I also resented him because all my dreams were put on permanent hold and I had to live the way I did. I spent days, weeks and months crying hours at a time in despair. This was not the life I had envisioned. In the seven years that followed, I had two more sons. My youngest was the only child I was emotionally prepared for.
I am now 32. My oldest is 12, and yes, I am still married to my husband. People think we are the perfect family, but I am not sure it was worth the price we have paid. Our first two sons never quite had their mom or dad during the years when it counted most. Our marriage nearly crumbled. We both had affairs and verbally abused each other. It took more than 100 hours of expensive counseling to fix our family.
Children are the most precious blessings you can have, and they deserve two parents who are ready to treasure them for their entire life -- not just when you finally get your life together 10 or 15 years down the road.
I urge all young people reading this to GET AN EDUCATION -- not just in college, but life experience as well. Youth doesn't last forever. You will no longer have a chance to be young and free once you have children. Don't try to beat the odds. The pain left in the wake of your mistake lands squarely in your kids' laps. -- TELLING THE TRUTH IN TOLEDO
DEAR TELLING THE TRUTH: You have made an important point. It takes consistency and emotional maturity to be an effective parent. If the mother or father is still emotionally immature, as well-intended as that person may be, he or she does not have the tools to be the parent that every child deserves.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)