To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Prince Charming Battles Past Abuse to Win His Lady's Heart
DEAR ABBY: I've been going out with an extraordinarily attractive woman I'll call Alice. We love spending time together. However, she has some issues I don't know how to handle. Alice was abused by several ex-boyfriends and her self-esteem is zero. She is intelligent, witty, caring -- but doesn't believe a word I say because of the mind games she has been subjected to.
I'm one of those "knight in shining armor" types who is faithful, doesn't throw temper tantrums, remembers to put the toilet seat down, gives my lady fresh flowers, etc., but whenever we talk about our future, she ends up in tears. She tells me she doesn't deserve to be treated so nicely and runs away because everything I am is so foreign to her. It's as though she's waiting for the other shoe to drop -- a shoe I don't have in my hand.
I want Alice to know she is a valuable person and worthy of the love I want to give her. Have any of your female readers been abused by an old boyfriend, met a nice guy, and then were able to have a normal relationship? -- ANONYMOUS IN ANCHORAGE
DEAR ANONYMOUS: The answer to your question is an emphatic YES. Read on -- the following letter arrived the same day as yours.
DEAR ABBY: I have been in several abusive relationships in the past. Not just physical, but mental and verbal as well. I have kissed a lot of frogs who ended up being toads instead of princes -- so I finally quit looking. The barrage of abuse to which I had been subjected left me with self-esteem so low I wondered why any man would want to be with me.
My last boyfriend tried to have me arrested after he hid a bunch of his stuff and said I stole it. After a long investigation by the police, they realized he was lying. The guy left owing me a large sum of money, and the only thing I can say is that it was the best loss I ever took.
Last fall, after things quieted down, I found a better job. I quit looking for the frog who would turn into a prince, and met a man who adores me. He thinks I am pretty. I cried the first time he said it to me. I had never heard it from anyone before. When we talk on the phone, I hear "I love you" no less than a dozen times. This has helped me greatly and my self-esteem is slowly rebuilding.
I'd like to say to all the women who read your column that if I can break the cycle of abuse, anyone can. It may take time to find the person God intended you to be with, but you will. -- FINALLY HAPPY IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR FINALLY HAPPY: Congratulations on your healing. After any trauma, it takes time to recover. That is why it's so important to proceed slowly, and not jump from the frying pan into the fire.
Learning to trust your own judgment, act on your instincts and not compromise your ideals is a process. Counseling can speed it up.
DEAR ABBY: You have always encouraged readers to stay informed, be prepared, and adjust positively to whatever problems they are dealt from the deck of life.
With this in mind, we are offering your readers a Citizen's Survival Kit. It's a package of consumer information booklets, focused on protecting our families and ourselves. Whether someone is trying to assemble a disaster preparedness kit, do financial planning, make a will, or resolve a consumer complaint about a product, it can be accomplished quickly and simply by following the advice in this selection of booklets. The Citizen's Survival Kit will be provided FREE to Dear Abby readers.
Thank you, Abby, for continuing to promote the health and safety of all Americans. -- TERESA NAVARRO NASIF, DIRECTOR, FEDERAL CITIZEN INFORMATION CENTER
DEAR TERESA: When I saw the Citizen's Survival Kit you assembled, I was impressed. They say there's no free lunch, but your booklets provide a banquet of information. The Disaster Preparedness booklet is a gem, and the Consumer Action Handbook belongs in every household.
Readers, supplies are limited, so don't waste any time. The kit can be ordered at no cost to you. There are three ways to order one: (1) Call toll-free, 1-888-878-3256, weekdays 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time; (2) send your name and address to: Citizen's Survival Kit, Pueblo, CO 81009; or (3) order it online by going to www.pueblo.gsa.gov.
P.S. While you're visiting that site, you can also read, print out or save hundreds of other free publications. (What fun! I feel like Lady Bountiful!)
DEAR ABBY: "No Name, City or State" inquired about how best to respond to an adult gay man who had boasted about a fling he's having with a 16-year-old boy. You recommended that "No Name" tell the boy's mother what the braggart said and leave it up to her to report it to the police.
Abby, I am a clinical psychologist with experience working with sex abuse survivors. Please consider the fact that when alleged sexual abuse is disclosed, many parents are often confused, emotionally overwrought, etc., and consequently their judgment is impaired. Denial, minimization and accusations against the victim are not unusual. Better that the alleged abuse be reported to the appropriate state and/or county child protection agency; their investigators can best intervene in this and similar matters. -- "DOC" ON LONG ISLAND
DEAR "DOC": Thank you for pointing out something I should have pointed out myself. The fact that the alleged abuser bragged that he was "getting away with something" signals that he could possibly be a pedophile with a history of abuse.
As a school guidance counselor wrote, "It's always best to err on the side of caution" when it comes to reporting suspected child abuse.
DEAR ABBY: My mom and dad think I have ADD and so does my fourth-grade teacher. Both my sisters, my baby sitter and cousin all believe that I don't have ADD. Who should I believe, Abby? -- MIXED-UP 9-YEAR-OLD GIRL
DEAR MIXED-UP: Your parents should have you tested, and then you'll ALL know for sure if you have attention deficit disorder (ADD). It's always best to get the facts. As your letter proves, guessing only causes needless anxiety.
DEAR READERS: I have great news. MOre than 2 million of you have used OperationDearAbby.net to send messages from home to our brave troops overseas. Thank you for making this program the marvelous success it continues to be!
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
LIFE WITH PERFECTIONIST IS PERFECTLY AWFUL FOR FAMILY
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Tina in Tennessee" brought back memories from my past. Tina was upset because her husband's son had come to live with them, and his messy bedroom made her angry. She excused herself by saying she was a "perfectionist," waving it like a banner, as though it made her behavior OK.
I, too, was a perfectionist. I made my four children's lives miserable with my constant nagging and threatening. My crisis came one winter when, in the midst of a snowstorm, I made all of them stand on our windy back porch, strip naked from their wet, cold clothes, and wait until my floor had dried because I had just washed and polished it. It hit me like a ton of bricks!
For years, I had made my entire family miserable with my constant cleaning. I had been known to wake up in the middle of the night and clean or go outside and do yard work. I always said the clean house was for "them." The truth was, I didn't like myself. I cleaned house to prove to the world that I was all right.
What really needed cleaning was my SPIRIT, not the house. This may be too long to print, but I wanted to share this milestone in my life -- the start of my recovery. -- NO LONGER "MOMMY DEAREST" IN CATHEDRAL CITY, CALIF.
DEAR NO LONGER: You were perceptive to realize that you had turned the "virtue" of cleanliness into obsession and compulsion, to the point that it had become abusive to your family. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I, too, am the stepparent of a sloppy child. It used to drive me to distraction, until I realized the only person I could change was myself, and my harping and complaining only made ME the pariah in the household. Now I close the door to his room and ignore it. When he's grown up and gone, I can change the carpet, paint the walls and "live happily ever after." -- MARK IN GARLAND, TEXAS
DEAR MARK: A wise parent (or stepparent) carefully chooses his (or her) battles, because you can't win 'em all.
DEAR ABBY: My philosophy on neatness is that I'll never look back on my life and think, "Thank goodness I did the dishes every day. I'm glad I spent so much time vacuuming." I will always wish for more time spent with my family and friends, enjoying the things I love.
I would hate for that woman to find herself looking back on her life, regretting a miserable relationship with the boy and his father over dirty clothes and candy wrappers. She needs to reach a compromise. -- NOT SO NEAT IN N.Y.C.
DEAR NOT SO NEAT: Your housekeeping may not win any awards, but you have your priorities in order.
DEAR ABBY: "Tina in Tennessee" should count her blessings. She has a wonderful stepson who is being bounced around like a pingpong ball through no fault of his own. His father should rejoice in the opportunity to have a relationship with his son. This is also Tina's chance to have a relationship with the young man. Tell her not to ruin it because of a messy bedroom. Shut the door! -- A MOTHER IN MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR MOTHER: Good point. There is so little the boy can control -- his bedroom is "his space," and it should not be turned into a battleground. He should be praised for his strong points and given a little leeway. To quote a reader from Littleton, Colo., "Teens are 'neat' people, and it has nothing to do with the state of their bedrooms."
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)