What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
COUPLE SHOULD STAND FIRM AGAINST IN-LAWS' ULTIMATUM
DEAR ABBY: I just finished the letter from "Marriage Bound and in a Bind," the young Catholic woman who is engaged to Harvey, the Jewish gentleman whose parents refuse to attend their wedding if a priest is present.
Abby, this is not a problem that requires counseling as you advised. The issue here is whether this young woman is marrying the right man -- a man who will stand with her against opposition from the outside. There doesn't need to be any "meeting of the minds" with regard to the parents and the couple. The engaged couple should make their own decisions jointly and stand united against any opposition from either set of parents.
If Harvey and his bride have decided to marry with a priest and a rabbi in attendance, that is their decision. Were we faced with the same quandary, my husband's and my response to anyone who tried to blackmail us with, "We won't come if ..." would be, "Then we will miss you on our special day."
Harvey's parents have put him into the position of having to choose. My guess is that it is not the first time it has happened, nor will it be the last. Mama and Papa want Harvey to marry a nice Jewish girl, and no amount of compromise on "In a Bind's" part will make them happy, because she's the "wrong" religion.
Take my word for it, if these two back down now, his parents will run their life. They'll tell them where to live, where to work, how to raise their children ... the list goes on and on. Now is the time for "In a Bind" to discover if she's engaged to the right man. Somehow, I doubt she is. -- WON'T DO IT AGAIN IN BRIDGEPORT, CONN.
DEAR WON'T DO IT AGAIN: I was hoping the young couple could make his parents see reason by being conciliatory. However, a slew of readers agreed with you. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You advised "In a Bind" to get both sets of parents together socially, and that she and her fiance seek premarital counseling -- preferably from a nondenominational counselor. I disagree!
If that young man can't stand up to his parents for one day -- his own wedding day -- how will he handle their demands over the next few decades? Will there be a battle every December -- blue lights on a Christmas tree and red and green candles on the menorah? How about a Passover bunny? And bedtime prayers? The possible conflicts are endless. -- OLDER AND WISER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR OLDER AND WISER: I see what you mean. Of course, that wouldn't happen if she converted -- which is what his parents may be angling for.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the young Catholic woman marrying the Jewish man, please suggest that she obtain three copies of Cokie and Steve Roberts' book, "From This Day Forward," one for each set of parents and one for the couple. The book includes a lovely and compelling description of their Jewish-Catholic marriage (with kids). -- TRYING TO HELP IN RENO
DEAR TRYING TO HELP: I have heard the book is wonderful, but one copy for "In a Bind" would be enough. Her parents seem to be accepting of the union. And his parents do not appear to be open to any opinion other than their own. They have my sympathy, by the way, because many Jewish people feel the greatest threat to Judaism in the United States is assimilation.
SCREENING DAY EXAMINES HOW ALCOHOL AFFECTS HEALTH
DEAR ABBY: I applaud your recent columns on alcohol abuse. But how much do your readers really know about alcohol and health? The importance of becoming educated about alcohol cannot be emphasized enough. On April 10, National Alcohol Screening Day, Americans can learn about alcohol and their health, and assess if they're engaging in risky drinking practices.
The Screening Day message puts it simply: "Alcohol and your health: Where do you draw the line?" Each of us needs to know just where that line is. Alcohol misuse comes with a devastatingly high cost. The annual dollar amount is estimated to be $185 billion in the United States. The emotional cost to individuals and their families is immeasurable.
Our studies show that nearly one-third of adults engage in risky drinking patterns. Our 2001 National Household Survey on Drug Abuse found that 13.4 million Americans -- 5.9 percent of the population -- meet the diagnostic criteria for alcohol dependence or abuse. Ninety-one percent of these people do not realize they have a problem.
For these reasons, I hope your readers will attend local alcohol education and screening programs in their own communities on April 10. On that day, health programs and agencies, colleges and universities, senior centers and community organizations nationwide will offer education and screening programs for Americans of all ages. They will have the opportunity to find out more about alcohol and their health and to complete a brief, anonymous, alcohol screening questionnaire to assess if they are risky drinkers.
Please encourage your readers to learn more about National Alcohol Screening Day, Abby. By sharing this information with them, you are making an important contribution to our commitment to promote safe and healthy lives for all. -- TOMMY G. THOMPSON, SECRETARY OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES
DEAR SECRETARY THOMPSON: Because people occasionally overindulge in drinking does not automatically mean they are alcoholics. However, it is to everyone's advantage to know the difference and to recognize the warning signs. This is certainly a subject worth educating oneself about. To learn more about National Alcohol Screening Day, call toll-free (800) 763-1200 or visit www.nationalalcoholscreeningday.org.
DEAR ABBY: I operate a home day care for preschool children, and almost every day I'm faced with the same question: When parents arrive to pick up their children and the kids begin misbehaving, who is responsible for correcting them -- their parents or me?
Two youngsters in particular turn into little monsters the minute their mothers arrive. These women have never once disciplined them in my presence. Should I give the offending children a "time-out" the next day? I need your advice because I don't want to overstep my bounds. -- CHILD-CARE PRO IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR CHILD-CARE PRO: Some parents let their children get away with murder. However, you are within your rights to let the children know what behavior will not be tolerated on your premises. Were I in your shoes and the youngsters began acting up while their parents said nothing, I would speak up. Waiting until the next day is too late.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: My late husband and I had a relationship spanning 30 years. When he was sober, he was a good husband and wonderful father to our two children. We separated 10 years before he died, and he moved out of state with his young mistress, "Eve," who did everything she could to damage my relationship with our daughter, "Beth." She finally succeeded. Beth went to live with her father, and she and Eve became friends. At Beth's wedding, Eve appeared in almost every photo, taking my place as the "bride's mother." (My son and I were not invited.)
To my husband's credit, it was his wish that I receive his insurance and pension when he died. When our son tragically died at age 23, Beth and I reconciled. I then remarried and after two years was widowed again -- which made me a wealthy woman. I have chosen to help Beth and her family financially, and I know they are grateful.
Eve is still on the scene 11 years after my husband's passing, and my 6-year-old grandson refers to her as Grandma. At times he blurts out that he has "three grandmas" -- his father's mother, Eve and me.
I feel I should be at center stage without an "imposter" waiting in the wings. Should I make this an issue or ignore it? I feel my daughter is disloyal by allowing this to continue. -- FEELING BETRAYED IN NEW YORK CITY
DEAR FEELING BETRAYED: I'm not sure I agree. The person who was "disloyal" was your first husband. He left you for a younger woman. When your daughter went to live with them, she was young and impressionable and Eve befriended her. It is understandable that her child thinks he has three grandmothers. He is too young to understand why.
I see nothing to gain and much to lose by trying to rule via the purse strings. Please resist the temptation. One day your grandson will realize what the facts are. Be patient and take the high road.
DEAR ABBY: "Rhonda" and "Errol" were married last summer. At the wedding, Rhonda's 2 1/2-year-old niece, "Laurel," stole the show on the dance floor. She was cute as the dickens.
Last weekend, Rhonda and Errol were in town, and little Laurel's name came up in conversation. Referring to Laurel's performance on the dance floor, I remarked how she was the star.
Rhonda turned to me and said, "Excuse me. I was the star."
"Oh," I said. Then I smiled and remarked, "Well, you were upstaged."
Later that day, Rhonda said, "I was deeply hurt by your comment. You owe me an apology."
Have you any thoughts on how I can avoid "deeply hurting" Rhonda in the future? -- WONDERING IN WISCONSIN
DEAR WONDERING: Absolutely. Refrain from making any more tactless put-downs. Every bride is the star on her wedding day.
DEAR ABBY: I met a blond-haired stallion on my birthday. We hooked up that night and he gave me an awesome birthday present.
I would like to see him again, but I didn't give him my phone number. I have been back to the place where we met, but we keep missing each other. What should I do? -- EAGER IN ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, ILL.
DEAR EAGER: You can pray that the stallion returns to the stable, but don't count on it. Some studs prefer a filly who says "neigh" over one who is hot to trot.
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