For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: My late husband and I had a relationship spanning 30 years. When he was sober, he was a good husband and wonderful father to our two children. We separated 10 years before he died, and he moved out of state with his young mistress, "Eve," who did everything she could to damage my relationship with our daughter, "Beth." She finally succeeded. Beth went to live with her father, and she and Eve became friends. At Beth's wedding, Eve appeared in almost every photo, taking my place as the "bride's mother." (My son and I were not invited.)
To my husband's credit, it was his wish that I receive his insurance and pension when he died. When our son tragically died at age 23, Beth and I reconciled. I then remarried and after two years was widowed again -- which made me a wealthy woman. I have chosen to help Beth and her family financially, and I know they are grateful.
Eve is still on the scene 11 years after my husband's passing, and my 6-year-old grandson refers to her as Grandma. At times he blurts out that he has "three grandmas" -- his father's mother, Eve and me.
I feel I should be at center stage without an "imposter" waiting in the wings. Should I make this an issue or ignore it? I feel my daughter is disloyal by allowing this to continue. -- FEELING BETRAYED IN NEW YORK CITY
DEAR FEELING BETRAYED: I'm not sure I agree. The person who was "disloyal" was your first husband. He left you for a younger woman. When your daughter went to live with them, she was young and impressionable and Eve befriended her. It is understandable that her child thinks he has three grandmothers. He is too young to understand why.
I see nothing to gain and much to lose by trying to rule via the purse strings. Please resist the temptation. One day your grandson will realize what the facts are. Be patient and take the high road.
DEAR ABBY: "Rhonda" and "Errol" were married last summer. At the wedding, Rhonda's 2 1/2-year-old niece, "Laurel," stole the show on the dance floor. She was cute as the dickens.
Last weekend, Rhonda and Errol were in town, and little Laurel's name came up in conversation. Referring to Laurel's performance on the dance floor, I remarked how she was the star.
Rhonda turned to me and said, "Excuse me. I was the star."
"Oh," I said. Then I smiled and remarked, "Well, you were upstaged."
Later that day, Rhonda said, "I was deeply hurt by your comment. You owe me an apology."
Have you any thoughts on how I can avoid "deeply hurting" Rhonda in the future? -- WONDERING IN WISCONSIN
DEAR WONDERING: Absolutely. Refrain from making any more tactless put-downs. Every bride is the star on her wedding day.
DEAR ABBY: I met a blond-haired stallion on my birthday. We hooked up that night and he gave me an awesome birthday present.
I would like to see him again, but I didn't give him my phone number. I have been back to the place where we met, but we keep missing each other. What should I do? -- EAGER IN ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, ILL.
DEAR EAGER: You can pray that the stallion returns to the stable, but don't count on it. Some studs prefer a filly who says "neigh" over one who is hot to trot.
DRUNK DRIVER STILL MOURNED BY THOSE SHE LEFT BEHIND
DEAR ABBY: Ten years ago this month, a drunk driver killed my girlfriend. She was only 29. I still miss her and think about her every day. I think about all the things that intoxicated driver could have done to avoid the tragedy of that night -– things such as calling a cab, letting someone else drive home, or giving the car keys to a designated driver.
However, I cannot admonish the driver or ask why these precautions were not taken; I do not have that luxury. You see, Abby, the driver was my GIRLFRIEND.
She got into her car that night without thinking it would be the last ride of her life. She got behind the wheel without considering all those who loved her and would miss her smile, her voice, her presence. She did it without thinking of her two little boys who would have to grow up without a mommy.
I know it's a cliche, but if this letter makes just one person out there stop and think before getting behind the wheel while impaired, my girlfriend's death may not have been in vain. -- KURT E. WERTHEIM, SAN ANTONIO
DEAR KURT: It is clear that you are still in mourning. Please accept my sympathy for your loss. Your letter points up one sobering fact: The person most at risk is the one who can't think clearly and believes "it can't happen to me."
DEAR ABBY: I've been dating "Collin" for nine months. I fell for him hard and fast. My problem is I recently met his former girlfriend, "Patty." She has a 10-month-old son. Abby, I've done the math. I suspect Collin is the father. He told me he broke up with Patty 10 months before we met. I asked Collin if he is the baby's father, and he said he "didn't think so," because Patty never mentioned it to him.
I don't think Collin really wants to know –- but I do! This is driving me crazy. Should I ask Patty if Collin is the father of her child? Help! -- SUSPICIOUS HEART IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR SUSPICIOUS: By all means ask Patty who the father is. It's a fair question, and one that could affect your future with Collin romantically and financially. If he is the daddy, he may be required by law to support the child at least until he is 18. And if he's not the father, it will put your mind at ease.
DEAR ABBY: We recently hosted a bat mitzvah for our daughter and invited two families (parents along with their children). In both cases, the parents attended but the children did not.
A few months later, these two families hosted similar parties for their own children. In each case, my husband and I were invited but our children were not. I thought if we invited their children, they should invite ours. Is this considered proper etiquette? -- PUZZLED ALONG THE HUDSON RIVER
DEAR PUZZLED: Not that I know of. A bar mitzvah and a bat mitzvah are important rites of passage in a young Jewish person's life, and when I was growing up it was a celebration in which contemporaries were always included -– particularly if the children were in the same age bracket. I, too, am puzzled that parents would attend or be expected to attend without their children. (The exception to this would be if the children were toddlers who might be disruptive.)
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Organ Donation Provides Wife Solace After Husband's Death
DEAR ABBY: At 35, my husband, Tony, was so gorgeous he stopped traffic. He was also artistic, talented, and had the biggest heart of anyone I'd ever met. Like most young couples, we dreamed of buying our first home, starting a family and growing old together. However, on Sept. 23, 1996, our dreams were shattered.
The memories are still a blur: The ambulance trip to the hospital. Emergency surgery for bleeding in the brain. The shocking discovery of a brain tumor. He was briefly conscious after surgery, then my darling slipped into a coma. The bleeding was unstoppable. Brain death was imminent.
That's when I met Mary. She was Tony's nurse in intensive care. Mary asked me if Tony was an organ donor. From the depths of my grief, I was suddenly given a different kind of hope –- that other lives could be saved and Tony wouldn't die for nothing. I remember that we had talked about his becoming an organ donor when he renewed his driver's license. I knew it was what he had wanted.
Tony's gift of organ donation is his living legacy in the truest sense. Just ask Mel, the liver recipient, who is healthy today; or the farmer who used to have to drive six hours for kidney dialysis, who can now enjoy the work he loves again. With so many people on the waiting lists today, organ donation is truly a gift of life. -- ROSE D'ACQUISTO, NATIONAL KIDNEY FOUNDATION DONOR FAMILY COUNCIL
DEAR ROSE: Thank you for your important letter. April is National Donate Life Month. For more information about organ donation, or a free organ donor card, readers can contact the National Kidney Foundation at Box DA, 30 E. 33rd St., New York, NY 10016, or call (800) 622-9010. The Web site is: � HYPERLINK "http://www.kidney.org" ��www.kidney.org�.
I've learned that as of October 2002, 80,000 individuals are waiting for transplants; of those, 53,000 are waiting for kidneys. Last year, 28,000 potential recipients died waiting for kidneys. In 2001, 14,000 kidney transplants were performed -– 8,200 from cadaver donors and 5,900 from living donors. The good news is that living donation is becoming a viable alternative to cadaveric donation. The number of living kidney donors grew 12 percent last year, while cadaveric donations showed only a 1 percent increase.
DEAR ABBY: I am 20 and have been with "Adam" a little over two years. (He's also 20.) We have always been serious about each other. I am now ready to move forward in our relationship and get an apartment with him. I finally found one we can afford. It's near Adam's college, not far from both our families. You should see it -- it's beautiful!
A week before we planned to move in, Adam told me he is unsure about our relationship. We had been quarreling a lot, but we talked and straightened everything out.
Now, a month later, the landlord called and said the apartment is ready. I told Adam, and he came up with yet another excuse not to live with me. When I asked if he wanted our relationship to go further, he said he used to!
I love him dearly, but we don't seem to be on the same page. Am I wasting my time? Please help. -- HURT IN RUTLAND, MASS.
DEAR HURT: This qualifies as a case of bad timing. It's obvious from what Adam is telling you that he's not ready to make the kind of commitment you want. Accept it. And if you're really in love with the apartment, consider renting it with a roommate.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)