For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
LIFE WITH PERFECTIONIST IS PERFECTLY AWFUL FOR FAMILY
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Tina in Tennessee" brought back memories from my past. Tina was upset because her husband's son had come to live with them, and his messy bedroom made her angry. She excused herself by saying she was a "perfectionist," waving it like a banner, as though it made her behavior OK.
I, too, was a perfectionist. I made my four children's lives miserable with my constant nagging and threatening. My crisis came one winter when, in the midst of a snowstorm, I made all of them stand on our windy back porch, strip naked from their wet, cold clothes, and wait until my floor had dried because I had just washed and polished it. It hit me like a ton of bricks!
For years, I had made my entire family miserable with my constant cleaning. I had been known to wake up in the middle of the night and clean or go outside and do yard work. I always said the clean house was for "them." The truth was, I didn't like myself. I cleaned house to prove to the world that I was all right.
What really needed cleaning was my SPIRIT, not the house. This may be too long to print, but I wanted to share this milestone in my life -- the start of my recovery. -- NO LONGER "MOMMY DEAREST" IN CATHEDRAL CITY, CALIF.
DEAR NO LONGER: You were perceptive to realize that you had turned the "virtue" of cleanliness into obsession and compulsion, to the point that it had become abusive to your family. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I, too, am the stepparent of a sloppy child. It used to drive me to distraction, until I realized the only person I could change was myself, and my harping and complaining only made ME the pariah in the household. Now I close the door to his room and ignore it. When he's grown up and gone, I can change the carpet, paint the walls and "live happily ever after." -- MARK IN GARLAND, TEXAS
DEAR MARK: A wise parent (or stepparent) carefully chooses his (or her) battles, because you can't win 'em all.
DEAR ABBY: My philosophy on neatness is that I'll never look back on my life and think, "Thank goodness I did the dishes every day. I'm glad I spent so much time vacuuming." I will always wish for more time spent with my family and friends, enjoying the things I love.
I would hate for that woman to find herself looking back on her life, regretting a miserable relationship with the boy and his father over dirty clothes and candy wrappers. She needs to reach a compromise. -- NOT SO NEAT IN N.Y.C.
DEAR NOT SO NEAT: Your housekeeping may not win any awards, but you have your priorities in order.
DEAR ABBY: "Tina in Tennessee" should count her blessings. She has a wonderful stepson who is being bounced around like a pingpong ball through no fault of his own. His father should rejoice in the opportunity to have a relationship with his son. This is also Tina's chance to have a relationship with the young man. Tell her not to ruin it because of a messy bedroom. Shut the door! -- A MOTHER IN MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR MOTHER: Good point. There is so little the boy can control -- his bedroom is "his space," and it should not be turned into a battleground. He should be praised for his strong points and given a little leeway. To quote a reader from Littleton, Colo., "Teens are 'neat' people, and it has nothing to do with the state of their bedrooms."
Mom Wants to Slow Down Daughter's Rush to Maturity
DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old daughter, "Betsy," looks and acts older than her age. She's interested in older guys (17 to 19), and they're interested in her. Even though Betsy is not yet allowed to date or go to teenage clubs in town, it's becoming difficult for me to say no all the time.
How can I slow down my daughter's maturity? I would like Betsy to enjoy her childhood while she can. I realize her dad and I must allow her to grow up -- I just don't want it to be this early. And yes, she is aware of sex. We've had "the talk." -- WATCHFUL MOM IN LOUISIANA
DEAR WATCHFUL MOM: Keep your daughter busy. Get her involved in sports, dance, art, theater. But don't count on "slowing down her maturity." Much as you might wish to, you cannot hold back the hands of time.
P.S. I'm pleased you've had "the talk" with your daughter. At 15, she's well on her way to womanhood. Keep the lines of communication open, do not jump to conclusions, give her your unconditional love and listen without being judgmental. You're her mother, not her warden.
DEAR ABBY: Last year, my 32-year-old husband, "Tom," came down with a bad case of chicken pox. He never had it as a kid and couldn't be vaccinated because he is severely allergic to the vaccine.
The outbreak left Tom with pockmarks on his face, neck and back. He hasn't said much about it, but I know my husband. I can tell by the way he now styles his hair and wears his clothes that he's trying to hide the marks on his skin.
Tom is still very handsome, but he acts self-conscious and embarrassed about his appearance. Should I try to get him to talk about it -- yes or no? And if I can get him to open up, what should I suggest? Thanks, Abby. -- CONCERNED ABOUT HUBBY IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR CONCERNED: By all means talk to him. These days, many men avail themselves of cosmetic surgical procedures -- and not just in Hollywood.
Suggest that he consult a dermatologist about his options for improving the appearance of the scarring. In recent years, tremendous progress has been made in skin resurfacing. However, the procedures should be done ONLY by an experienced, board-certified physician.
DEAR ABBY: Here is a true "he never says he loves me" story: On a beautiful, moonlit night in August of 1935, my future husband, Bill, and I were on our first date. We went swimming in a small lake with a dance pavilion on the shore. From the beach, Bill and I could hear the orchestra.
Suddenly we both got very quiet, listening to a beautiful melody. When the song ended, Bill said, "Gee, that's a pretty song -- do you know the name of it?" I answered, "Love Me Forever." Bill took my hand and said, "Well, that's a long time, but I'd sure like to try!"
Over the years, whenever I told the story about "our song," I liked to tease Bill with, "That was the first and last romantic thing you ever said to me." Not the truth, of course, but it made a good story.
I am now an 86-year-old widow. My Bill died in 1971 -- and the "forever" feels as true today as it did that summer night. -- VIRGINIA "TOOTS" WEITZEL, OLEAN, N.Y.
DEAR "TOOTS": It may have been a first date, but your Bill knew a good thing when he saw one -- and how to close a sale. Your letter touched me. Thank you for sharing your love story.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a senior citizen at an independent living facility. I told my physician I feel like an old car -- fix one part and another falls apart. I said I didn't need an overhaul, just a new motor.
Your column (plus coffee) starts each day for me. I recently found an old one I saved, "A Dog Named Sex," and methinks it's time to run it again. I wanted to send it to my grandson, but alas, my clipping is yellowed with age. Thanks, Abby. -- BEVERLY NUNNELLY, EDMOND, OKLA.
DEAR BEVERLY: You're welcome. I'm pleased to oblige. I have had several requests for it lately -- and it always brings a smile. Read on:
A DOG NAMED SEX
by Morty Storm
When I went to City Hall to renew my dog's license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!"
Then I said, "But this is a dog."
He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked at me and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog with me. I told the motel clerk I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, "You don't need a special room for Sex. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do."
I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Funny, I have the same problem."
Well, one day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog got loose and ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He said, "Wonderful! If you sell tickets, you'll clean up!"
But you don't understand, I said. "I want to have Sex on TV." He said, "They already have that on cable. It's no big deal anymore."
Well, my wife and I decided to separate, so we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said to the judge, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "The court is not a confessional. Please stick to the facts." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me, too."
Well, last night Sex ran away again, and I spent hours looking all over for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to comment on the letter from "Paying the Price," the grandmother who had a cup of coffee with a male acquaintance and got herpes.
I am an 84-year-old man who has never had a venereal disease, and I'm an avid coffee drinker. I have three or four 12-ounce mugs every day. I have been drinking coffee as long as I can remember. Abby, coffee will NOT give you herpes. -- OLD COFFEE HOUND IN TEXAS
DEAR OLD COFFEE HOUND: I agree. It's the "sweet talk" that went WITH the coffee that caused the woman's problem!
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)