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Man's Sex Life Has Gone to the Bowwows

DEAR ABBY: I am a senior citizen at an independent living facility. I told my physician I feel like an old car -- fix one part and another falls apart. I said I didn't need an overhaul, just a new motor.

Your column (plus coffee) starts each day for me. I recently found an old one I saved, "A Dog Named Sex," and methinks it's time to run it again. I wanted to send it to my grandson, but alas, my clipping is yellowed with age. Thanks, Abby. -- BEVERLY NUNNELLY, EDMOND, OKLA.

DEAR BEVERLY: You're welcome. I'm pleased to oblige. I have had several requests for it lately -- and it always brings a smile. Read on:

A DOG NAMED SEX

by Morty Storm

When I went to City Hall to renew my dog's license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!"

Then I said, "But this is a dog."

He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked at me and said, "You must have been quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog with me. I told the motel clerk I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, "You don't need a special room for Sex. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do."

I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Funny, I have the same problem."

Well, one day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog got loose and ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He said, "Wonderful! If you sell tickets, you'll clean up!"

But you don't understand, I said. "I want to have Sex on TV." He said, "They already have that on cable. It's no big deal anymore."

Well, my wife and I decided to separate, so we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said to the judge, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "The court is not a confessional. Please stick to the facts." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me, too."

Well, last night Sex ran away again, and I spent hours looking all over for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to comment on the letter from "Paying the Price," the grandmother who had a cup of coffee with a male acquaintance and got herpes.

I am an 84-year-old man who has never had a venereal disease, and I'm an avid coffee drinker. I have three or four 12-ounce mugs every day. I have been drinking coffee as long as I can remember. Abby, coffee will NOT give you herpes. -- OLD COFFEE HOUND IN TEXAS

DEAR OLD COFFEE HOUND: I agree. It's the "sweet talk" that went WITH the coffee that caused the woman's problem!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

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