For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a senior citizen at an independent living facility. I told my physician I feel like an old car -- fix one part and another falls apart. I said I didn't need an overhaul, just a new motor.
Your column (plus coffee) starts each day for me. I recently found an old one I saved, "A Dog Named Sex," and methinks it's time to run it again. I wanted to send it to my grandson, but alas, my clipping is yellowed with age. Thanks, Abby. -- BEVERLY NUNNELLY, EDMOND, OKLA.
DEAR BEVERLY: You're welcome. I'm pleased to oblige. I have had several requests for it lately -- and it always brings a smile. Read on:
A DOG NAMED SEX
by Morty Storm
When I went to City Hall to renew my dog's license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!"
Then I said, "But this is a dog."
He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked at me and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog with me. I told the motel clerk I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, "You don't need a special room for Sex. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do."
I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Funny, I have the same problem."
Well, one day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog got loose and ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He said, "Wonderful! If you sell tickets, you'll clean up!"
But you don't understand, I said. "I want to have Sex on TV." He said, "They already have that on cable. It's no big deal anymore."
Well, my wife and I decided to separate, so we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said to the judge, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "The court is not a confessional. Please stick to the facts." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me, too."
Well, last night Sex ran away again, and I spent hours looking all over for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to comment on the letter from "Paying the Price," the grandmother who had a cup of coffee with a male acquaintance and got herpes.
I am an 84-year-old man who has never had a venereal disease, and I'm an avid coffee drinker. I have three or four 12-ounce mugs every day. I have been drinking coffee as long as I can remember. Abby, coffee will NOT give you herpes. -- OLD COFFEE HOUND IN TEXAS
DEAR OLD COFFEE HOUND: I agree. It's the "sweet talk" that went WITH the coffee that caused the woman's problem!
DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl. My problem is my mother and the nonstop fights we've been having lately. I'm trying hard to do all the right things -- keep my grades up, maintain my friendships -- and maybe find a nice boyfriend. Through it all, I've tried to make Mom my No. 1 priority.
My father left us, and Mom has done everything for my brother, sister and me. Even when she had only 20 bucks in her pocket, she still kept us in our house with food on the table. What's hardest for me right now is that I can't do what other kids my age can -- or go where they go -- because of lack of money.
I have been reading my Bible every day and praying for my family -- even for my dad. But I can't seem to make Mom happy no matter how hard I try. She yells at me every time I turn around. I need some of your best advice, Abby. You can't imagine how great it would be for me to hear something positive from Mom for a change. Thanks for listening. -- TROUBLE WITH MOTHER
DEAR TROUBLE WITH MOTHER: From your description, it appears your mother is stressed out and not the mother she would wish to be. Her short fuse has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her overwhelming responsibilities to you and your siblings. Please don't take her outbursts personally.
Clip this column and show her this letter. Tell her that you wrote it, and that you love her, appreciate her and want to please her. Try to be understanding. She probably doesn't realize how bad you have been feeling, and she needs all the support she can get right now.
If the yelling continues (too much yelling can be abusive), discuss it with your clergyperson or a counselor at school. They may be able to intervene on your behalf.
As for your money problems, start asking around and see if you can pick up some baby-sitting jobs for extra money in the short term. In another year or two you will be able to get a part-time job if you wish.
DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law remarried a year ago. His new wife has a teenage son, "Josh," from a previous relationship, and my brother-in-law is in the process of adopting him.
Recently my husband and I invited the three of them to our home. It was the first time we had met our new sister-in-law and Josh. They both seemed nice, but my husband and I sensed that there was something about the boy we weren't being told.
Last night, my husband's mother confided in him that four years ago Josh was caught in the act of molesting and sodomizing his 9-year-old female cousin. He was convicted by juvenile court and sent away for three years.
The next time we saw Josh after learning this information, we were at the home of some other relatives. The family had gathered to celebrate an uncle's birthday. During the course of the party, Josh spent time alone with several young cousins of both sexes in the basement playroom.
I told my husband that the other parents in our extended family should be told about Josh's history, but he strongly disagrees. What do you think, Abby? Should I keep my mouth shut, or make sure that the next time Josh attends a family gathering, the parents are forewarned? I'm afraid to let this go, but I will abide by your answer. -- WORRIED SICK ON THE EAST COAST
DEAR WORRIED SICK: I disagree with your husband. The parents should be told so that they can be sure their children are adequately supervised in their interactions with Josh. To pretend that the boy has no history of molestation would be both irresponsible and risky.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
MAID OF HONOR IS FROWNING AFTER PHOTO BILL GOES UNPAID
DEAR ABBY: I was maid of honor in my cousin "Denise's" wedding. As such, I helped her to get a good deal on her photography. My close friend, "Arthur," had just begun shooting professionally, and photographed the wedding for a greatly reduced price.
My problem is that Denise never paid Arthur. It has been several months, and Arthur finally asked me if I would track her down because she has not return his repeated phone calls.
Denise admitted that she spent the money on cosmetic dentistry, but now more time has elapsed, and she still hasn't paid him.
My cousin claims she will pay Arthur "one day," but I am embarrassed and angry. How should I handle this? Denise is not an easy person to confront -- she is easily offended and moody. -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE, OAKLAND, CALIF.
DEAR CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE: Your cousin Denise is more than easily offended and moody -- she's also a deadbeat. Step back and do not allow yourself to be put in the middle. If the bride signed a contract with the photographer, he may have to take her to small claims court in order to get the money she owes him. It's not a pretty picture, but it's the unfortunate truth.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 53-year-old woman who is 100-plus pounds overweight. Six months ago, I finally made a commitment to lose the excess pounds, and with my doctor's approval, joined a weight reduction program. Slowly but surely, I am succeeding. I intend to stick with it.
The problem is my live-in boyfriend, "Jack." I know he loves me and has my best interests at heart, but he acts like a "food cop." I resent being given the third degree, and being told what and when to eat and drink.
Abby, is there any tactful way to tell Jack to butt out? If he keeps this up, I could fall into some of my old eating habits, and I don't want that to happen. -- BIG GIRL IN DES MOINES
DEAR BIG GIRL: You are starting to make progress, and for that I congratulate you. The next time your boyfriend acts like a "food cop," tell him you know he means well, but this is a project you need to do on your own -- for yourself and by yourself. Explain that when someone looks over your shoulder, it makes you nervous, and when you get nervous you want to overeat. So he should please stop.
DEAR ABBY: "Devoted Daughter in Houston" wrote about her mother having vascular dementia, and how a family member took advantage of her condition and removed a valued possession from her home without permission.
My mother has vascular dementia and we, too, had family members who tried to take advantage of her. I obtained legal documents from our family lawyer and had my mother's doctor declare her incompetent. I then photocopied the forms, along with my durable power of attorney, and mailed them to the guilty parties.
Needless to say, these folks are upset, but they no longer try to get money from my mother. -- FAMILY "BAD GUY" IN NEVADA
DEAR FAMILY "BAD GUY": The lesson is, as hard as it may be to face, that sometimes it's necessary to take legal action to protect a loved one from exploitation and financial disaster. That's what attorneys and elder-laws are for. So please don't let anyone make you feel like a bad guy for acting like a good guy.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)