To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl. My problem is my mother and the nonstop fights we've been having lately. I'm trying hard to do all the right things -- keep my grades up, maintain my friendships -- and maybe find a nice boyfriend. Through it all, I've tried to make Mom my No. 1 priority.
My father left us, and Mom has done everything for my brother, sister and me. Even when she had only 20 bucks in her pocket, she still kept us in our house with food on the table. What's hardest for me right now is that I can't do what other kids my age can -- or go where they go -- because of lack of money.
I have been reading my Bible every day and praying for my family -- even for my dad. But I can't seem to make Mom happy no matter how hard I try. She yells at me every time I turn around. I need some of your best advice, Abby. You can't imagine how great it would be for me to hear something positive from Mom for a change. Thanks for listening. -- TROUBLE WITH MOTHER
DEAR TROUBLE WITH MOTHER: From your description, it appears your mother is stressed out and not the mother she would wish to be. Her short fuse has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her overwhelming responsibilities to you and your siblings. Please don't take her outbursts personally.
Clip this column and show her this letter. Tell her that you wrote it, and that you love her, appreciate her and want to please her. Try to be understanding. She probably doesn't realize how bad you have been feeling, and she needs all the support she can get right now.
If the yelling continues (too much yelling can be abusive), discuss it with your clergyperson or a counselor at school. They may be able to intervene on your behalf.
As for your money problems, start asking around and see if you can pick up some baby-sitting jobs for extra money in the short term. In another year or two you will be able to get a part-time job if you wish.
DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law remarried a year ago. His new wife has a teenage son, "Josh," from a previous relationship, and my brother-in-law is in the process of adopting him.
Recently my husband and I invited the three of them to our home. It was the first time we had met our new sister-in-law and Josh. They both seemed nice, but my husband and I sensed that there was something about the boy we weren't being told.
Last night, my husband's mother confided in him that four years ago Josh was caught in the act of molesting and sodomizing his 9-year-old female cousin. He was convicted by juvenile court and sent away for three years.
The next time we saw Josh after learning this information, we were at the home of some other relatives. The family had gathered to celebrate an uncle's birthday. During the course of the party, Josh spent time alone with several young cousins of both sexes in the basement playroom.
I told my husband that the other parents in our extended family should be told about Josh's history, but he strongly disagrees. What do you think, Abby? Should I keep my mouth shut, or make sure that the next time Josh attends a family gathering, the parents are forewarned? I'm afraid to let this go, but I will abide by your answer. -- WORRIED SICK ON THE EAST COAST
DEAR WORRIED SICK: I disagree with your husband. The parents should be told so that they can be sure their children are adequately supervised in their interactions with Josh. To pretend that the boy has no history of molestation would be both irresponsible and risky.
MAID OF HONOR IS FROWNING AFTER PHOTO BILL GOES UNPAID
DEAR ABBY: I was maid of honor in my cousin "Denise's" wedding. As such, I helped her to get a good deal on her photography. My close friend, "Arthur," had just begun shooting professionally, and photographed the wedding for a greatly reduced price.
My problem is that Denise never paid Arthur. It has been several months, and Arthur finally asked me if I would track her down because she has not return his repeated phone calls.
Denise admitted that she spent the money on cosmetic dentistry, but now more time has elapsed, and she still hasn't paid him.
My cousin claims she will pay Arthur "one day," but I am embarrassed and angry. How should I handle this? Denise is not an easy person to confront -- she is easily offended and moody. -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE, OAKLAND, CALIF.
DEAR CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE: Your cousin Denise is more than easily offended and moody -- she's also a deadbeat. Step back and do not allow yourself to be put in the middle. If the bride signed a contract with the photographer, he may have to take her to small claims court in order to get the money she owes him. It's not a pretty picture, but it's the unfortunate truth.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 53-year-old woman who is 100-plus pounds overweight. Six months ago, I finally made a commitment to lose the excess pounds, and with my doctor's approval, joined a weight reduction program. Slowly but surely, I am succeeding. I intend to stick with it.
The problem is my live-in boyfriend, "Jack." I know he loves me and has my best interests at heart, but he acts like a "food cop." I resent being given the third degree, and being told what and when to eat and drink.
Abby, is there any tactful way to tell Jack to butt out? If he keeps this up, I could fall into some of my old eating habits, and I don't want that to happen. -- BIG GIRL IN DES MOINES
DEAR BIG GIRL: You are starting to make progress, and for that I congratulate you. The next time your boyfriend acts like a "food cop," tell him you know he means well, but this is a project you need to do on your own -- for yourself and by yourself. Explain that when someone looks over your shoulder, it makes you nervous, and when you get nervous you want to overeat. So he should please stop.
DEAR ABBY: "Devoted Daughter in Houston" wrote about her mother having vascular dementia, and how a family member took advantage of her condition and removed a valued possession from her home without permission.
My mother has vascular dementia and we, too, had family members who tried to take advantage of her. I obtained legal documents from our family lawyer and had my mother's doctor declare her incompetent. I then photocopied the forms, along with my durable power of attorney, and mailed them to the guilty parties.
Needless to say, these folks are upset, but they no longer try to get money from my mother. -- FAMILY "BAD GUY" IN NEVADA
DEAR FAMILY "BAD GUY": The lesson is, as hard as it may be to face, that sometimes it's necessary to take legal action to protect a loved one from exploitation and financial disaster. That's what attorneys and elder-laws are for. So please don't let anyone make you feel like a bad guy for acting like a good guy.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
COUPLES WHO LIVE TOGETHER MUST TIE UP LEGAL LOOSE ENDS
DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "Forever Single," the man who's in love with "Kit," but never wants to get married. He's not the only person who would rather just live together. My boyfriend of eight years and I have both been married before. We do not need a "piece of paper" to tell us that we love each other and will never stray.
I agree with your advice that they should talk to a lawyer in case something ever happens. I work for an attorney, so all our affairs are in order in case something ever does happen. My boyfriend has two children from a previous marriage and we have two together. So we made sure if anything bad happens to one of us, the other has control over everything, and not our exes. -- JULIE IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR JULIE: For your sake and your children's, it was wise for you to tie up all the loose ends. For the other side of the story, read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am an 81-year-old lady in good health and still driving. I lived with "Martin" for 15 years. He is now 87. Martin never wanted to marry me, although I proposed several times.
A year ago, his family made me leave his home. His money and their greed were the reasons. I didn't care whether or not Martin had money. We had each other, and still love each other dearly. I now live with my son 30 miles away.
I go to see Martin three or four times a week. He has major health problems and severe Alzheimer's. He no longer knows his children or grandchildren. He only knows me, although he remembers nothing we did together that he loved to do -- like traveling, cruises, dancing three or four times a week, golf, his poker games, or the people we socialized with. When I visit him he says, "Tell me about the things we did, the folks we did them with, and the fun we used to have."
You gave "Forever Single" the right advice when you said mature people want to take care of those they love. Spouses have legal protection benefits that single people do not enjoy. If something were to happen, "Kit" would be left with nothing but memories.
I stayed with Martin for 15 years. He didn't look out for my future, and now he can't. His children declared him mentally incompetent. He has 24/7 attendant care. I had to go back to work in the home health-care field to support myself. It is "Kit's" choice to go or to stay. I wish I had insisted on marriage or future support. -- A YOUNG 81, GETTING ON WITH HER LIFE IN TAMPA
DEAR YOUNG 81: So do I, because at least you would have had security or known where you stood. I find it sad that so many people get caught up in the "romance of the nontraditional" and forget that love includes responsibilities. Whether or not your beloved consciously intended to leave you vulnerable, with no choice but to re-enter the job market as an octogenarian, that is exactly what happened because he refused to make a commitment. I hope others will benefit from your sad experience. You have been, and continue to be, a loyal and loving partner. You deserved better.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)