For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKE THIS HUSBAND SUDDENLY SINGLE
DEAR ABBY: I didn't know I had a problem until the day my wife/lover/best friend walked out on me two weeks before our 13th anniversary.
All our married life I worked a seven-day-a-week factory job on second shift, and in the mornings managed my own retail business.
I thought everything at home was great. Our house and cars were paid for. We even owned a boat. It turns out that all my wife wanted was for me to hold her, love her and "be there" for her. Now she lives 600 miles away.
I learned my lesson the hard way. I closed my business, but it's too late. Abby, please warn your readers about the danger of becoming a workaholic. Material things are not worth the price of losing the one person who shares your life. I hope my story will save someone else's marriage. -- HIT WITH REALITY IN MICHIGAN
DEAR HIT: So do I. In order for couples to grow together, they must communicate, spend time with each other and share mutual interests. Good marriages don't just happen. Like anything else worth having, they require work and nurturing.
DEAR ABBY: I am a female college student. I am having a problem with a former classmate from last semester. I'll call her Theresa. We started a friendship, but the conversation was always awkward, and we had few common interests, so it was a chore to spend time with her. Not a good formula for friendship.
Theresa calls my apartment and my cell phone, and she e-mails me on a weekly basis. I screen all of my calls and never respond to her e-mails, but she hasn't taken the hint.
How does one "nicely" end a friendship without burning bridges? Our paths may cross again one day in the corporate world. None of my family or friends have an answer. -- BESIEGED IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR BESIEGED: Since you never see her and do not respond to her e-mails, it shouldn't be difficult to tell your former classmate that you are very busy and do not have the time she has to devote to a friendship. Say it kindly, and wish her all the best in the future.
DEAR ABBY: What do you think of my husband's behavior? We've been married almost 50 years, and if I didn't speak all day long we would live in a silent world. My husband says nothing, not even "good morning." He will stalk right by me on his way out the door and never say a word.
This is nothing new. It has been like this nearly all of our married life. We are both college-educated, with responsible professions, and were raised in well-educated, professional families. No one else I know gets treated this way.
I have tried talking to him about this, but it does no good. Thanks for any insight you can give me. -- SUFFERING IN SILENCE IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR SUFFERING IN SILENCE: Your husband's behavior could be a sign of long-standing depression or it could be passive-aggressive abuse. How you have tolerated it for 50 years is beyond me. Ask him why he married you. His reply may provide you with some insight. Then ask yourself -- is this how you want to spend your remaining years? Your signature says it all. I couldn't live in an atmosphere like that.
JUDGE IN CUSTODY CASE IS GUILTY OF DUBIOUS CONDUCT
DEAR ABBY: My brother, "Rick," recently went to court to get custody of his 1-year-old son. He and the boy's mother, "Ellen," never married. Ellen took the baby out of state while Rick was at work and without his knowledge. Rick convinced her to return, then got a restraining order and filed for custody.
The judge ("Hizzoner") ruled in my brother's favor, giving him primary custody with joint legal custody.
Immediately after the hearing, Hizzoner spoke with Ellen and invited her to come to work for him as a nanny for his children. He offered her room and board, tuition for college and the use of a vehicle. Ellen accepted and moved to the town where Hizzoner lives. The arrangement did not work out. Ellen didn't like his children and was homesick, so Hizzoner paid for Ellen to return home. Yesterday, he was in town and invited Ellen to lunch.
Abby, isn't this a conflict of interest? Isn't this unethical conduct? If Rick has to go back to court, wouldn't Hizzoner have to excuse himself from the case because following the original hearing he has kept in constant contact with the defendant? -- APPALLED IN NEVADA
DEAR APPALLED: The answers to your questions are "yes," "yes" and "yes." And this whole story should be explained to whoever represents your brother at that time. Frankly, your story has raised more than a few eyebrows here in California -- and I'm sure it will in other venues as well.
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with my husband, "Lyle," and my ex, "Charlie." They work together. Lyle and I are newlyweds, and he knows only too well the misery I went through with Charlie. In spite of that, Lyle goes to Charlie's apartment for drinks almost every night after work.
I don't like it when Lyle goes out drinking instead of coming home after work. Charlie knows how I feel, yet he continues to invite Lyle over. I suspect Charlie is trying to cause problems -- and it's working -- for the simple reason that Lyle isn't smart enough to say no.
Last night, Lyle went to Charlie's to "throw back a few." When he came home, we had a big fight and he said some very hurtful things to me. Then he stormed off in his truck. We haven't spoken since.
I am at the point where I want to tell Lyle that he needs to choose: me or my ex! What should I do? -- SICK OF IT IN THE NORTHEAST
DEAR SICK OF IT: Although it's tempting, I'd recommend against giving your husband an ultimatum. If you do, it could be the end of your marriage. However, if you think this is history repeating itself, it might be time for you to rethink this recent marriage.
It's interesting that both of your husbands have made it a habit to drink after work. Since it is having a negative impact on your present marriage, perhaps it's time for you to contact Al-Anon so that Lyle's problem does not become your problem.
DEAR ABBY: A reader once asked what your definition of love is. Richard Burton said it quite well: "Love is the highest form of tolerance." -- ANNIE FROM FLORIDA
DEAR ANNIE: He ought to have known. He was not only a talented actor -- he was tolerant more than once in his lifetime.
TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: Happy Easter, everyone!
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
WIFE HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT HER STATE OF SEPARATION
DEAR ABBY: My husband of 32 years, "Grady," and I have been cordially separated for more than three years. The word "divorce" has never been mentioned. He still comes to my house, uses the family computer and helps himself to my newspaper, food and drink. Grady is always here when the children come home, and we spend every holiday and birthday together as a family. I have never restricted his comings and goings. In fact, we get along better now than ever.
Recently, some suspicious behavior on his part led me to check his e-mail. He has no password (and I know I should not have snooped), but I felt I needed to know what was going on. My suspicions were confirmed when I found some correspondence between him and a woman from his distant past. He's apparently gone out with her and has written her love poems on the computer in my living room! The worst part is that he has told our children about this woman and sworn them to secrecy, but said nothing to me.
I feel used, betrayed, angry, scared and embarrassed all at the same time. Should I confront him? Or should I keep pretending I don't know? I'd appreciate any advice you can offer. -- THE LAST TO KNOW IN KOKOMO
P.S. The truth is, the idea of growing old alone frightens me.
DEAR LAST TO KNOW: Although you shouldn't have snooped, perhaps it's just as well that you did. You have been clinging to the illusion of something long gone, and at the same time, your husband has been enjoying the best of both worlds.
Speak up and clear the air. As soon as you do, everything will be out in the open and your children won't have the burden of keeping such a big secret. You and your husband are long overdue in clarifying exactly what your future is going to be -- together or apart. The status quo is unfair to you.
DEAR ABBY: I think my husband, "Vinnie," is having an affair. For the past 11 months, he has refused to have sex with me. He has even called me by another woman's name in his sleep.
Vinnie drives a company car and has picked up a co-worker, "Rita," every morning for the past three years. He says his boss demands that he drive her to and from work.
In the past year when we've been out with his co-workers' friends, they say to me, "Oh, you must be Rita." It makes me feel like a total idiot. Vinnie makes light of this and says I am being insecure and paranoid.
I caught Vinnie in an affair several years ago -- pants down. He said it was because he was drunk. He apologized and stopped drinking, but has recently started imbibing again. I might understand Vinnie wandering if I had let myself go, but I weigh the same as the day we were married. I have been faithful and I serve him a hot meal every night.
Abby, I have invested a lot in our relationship and am reluctant to chuck it all. However, I am at my wit's end and am tempted to let him go and see a lawyer. What's your advice? -- SMELLING THE COFFEE IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR SMELLING THE COFFEE: Perhaps it's time to really get to know the man you married. You need facts instead of innuendo and suspicion. One way to accomplish this would be to hire a private investigator to keep tabs on Vinnie for a month. After that, you'll know whether your marriage is worth saving.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)