For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a widow who lives alone. My problem concerns door-to-door solicitors. They seem to be at my door all the time. With all the scams and violent home invasions I read and hear about, I go into a panic when I open the door to find a stranger standing there.
When I hear my doorbell ring, I like to assume it's one of my neighbors or their kids -- so I open up. I don't want to be rude and not answer and help out my neighbors whose school-age children might be selling candy for fund-raisers or going door-to-door with Girl Scout cookies. I love supporting their causes when I am able. But how should I react when it's not someone I know?
Today there were some pretty shady-looking characters on my porch asking to come inside and steam-clean my carpets. Have you any advice on how I can politely but firmly get rid of solicitors so I can feel safe in my own home? Thanks, Abby. -- AFRAID TO FIND OUT WHAT'S BEHIND DOOR NO. 1
DEAR AFRAID: First of all, never open your door without first checking to see who is there. If this means having a peephole installed in your front door, it will be money well-spent. If the person standing there is a stranger, don't open the door.
Second, people who go around neighborhoods selling services that haven't been previously ordered, or merchandise that "just fell off a truck," are usually scam artists and should be avoided at all costs. Caveat emptor (let the buyer beware)!
DEAR ABBY: "Concerned Mother" wrote that she wants to move because her neighbor, "the Wicked Witch of the West," likes her dogs better than "Concerned Mother's" children. ("She ignores the innocent greetings of our children, which hurts their feelings. ... I worry what a person so filled with anger may be capable of.")
May I politely suggest that not everyone wants other people's children bothering them? I realize that "Mother" believes her children are the salt of the earth and her world revolves around them. However, I'm a middle-aged, childless single woman who works hard all day juggling two difficult jobs. The last thing I want to deal with when I get home is someone else's children. In the last place I lived, my next-door neighbors sent their kids into the hallway at night to play cricket and couldn't understand why that bothered me!
Your suggestion that "Mother" instruct her children to leave the neighbor woman alone is a good one. However, advising her to add that there is something wrong with the woman ("explain that the neighbor is troubled and unhappy") fosters bad manners. It should make no difference to the kiddies why they are to leave that woman alone. It should be enough for them to understand that the neighbor doesn't wish to be bothered. The sooner they learn that not everyone thinks they "hung the moon," the happier they will be. -- KATE IN TORONTO
DEAR KATE: The parents of the cricket-playing kids in your hallway were responsible for the racket -- not the youngsters. The little ones were just doing as they were told. I'm printing your letter because it's true that not all adults relate well to children. (W.C. Fields was an example of that.) However, it's safe to say that most adults do. But sometimes even the kindest and happiest people don't like to be disturbed.
RESIDENTS OF NURSING HOMES ARE EXCITED BY FAMILY AFFAIRS
DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "Undecided in St. Paul," regarding her son's wedding and asking what to do about inviting relatives who reside in a nursing home. You advised that instead of sending them invitations, send a chatty letter or card bringing them up-to-date on the happy news -- and an announcement after the wedding -- so they remain "in the loop."
As an RN with years of employment in a nursing home setting, I know from experience that residents become very excited about being included in family affairs instead of being told after the fact. My suggestion would be to send them an invitation, arrange for transportation, and enclose a small note that states, in a tasteful manner, "No gifts, please."
If friends and family only knew how these people felt sitting in their rooms or in hallways with nothing to do. Nursing homes try hard to keep their residents happy and entertained, but nothing replaces family. -- A NURSE WHO KNOWS IN THE SOUTH
DEAR NURSE WHO KNOWS: Sometimes I should pay less attention to my brain and more attention to what my heart tells me. I responded the way I did because I did not want the recipient of the invitation to feel obligated to provide a gift, if it would be physically or financially impossible. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My husband's grandmother was in a nursing home when we were married. It was nearby, so we arranged for our wedding party to visit her after the ceremony and before the reception. The nursing staff was excited because that's all his grandma talked about for weeks beforehand. And it was such a special day for the residents! When we arrived, they were all dressed in their "finest" to meet the new bride and groom. The looks of happiness on their faces still makes my eyes tear up! The ladies all wanted to touch my gown and told us about their weddings. Smiles and laughter resounded through the halls. We arranged for a "wedding" cake to be delivered so they could have a piece after dinner.
We were only there for about an hour, but the nurses told us how much everyone appreciated our "gift," and the residents talked about our visit for a long time afterward. Of course, we gave his grandma a photo. She kept it by her bed until she died. -- MARTY FROM EASTLAKE, OHIO
DEAR MARTY: Several readers shared stories similar to your own.
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter was married in June. The groom's elderly grandparents who raised him are both in a nursing home. This was the last wedding they expect to see. Our children's friends volunteered to transport them. It took some arranging because they are both in wheelchairs, but they had a wonderful time. Their gift was their presence. -- MOTHER OF THE BRIDE, EAST BROOKFIELD, MASS.
DEAR MOTHER: I'm sure they were as thrilled to be there as you were to have them.
DEAR ABBY: If the only consideration is obligating the folks for a gift, send the invitation! Better to be engaged in life than disengaged. I want to make my own decisions, don't you? -- GOOD LUCK TO ALL, MELVILLE, N.Y.
DEAR G.L.T.A.: You're right, and I stand corrected!
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: This year will be a great one for animal lovers. The North Shore Animal League America's annual Tour for Life, held in conjunction with the San Francisco SPCA, has already begun. On Thursday, March 27, three 35-foot mobile adoption units left New York on a cross-country journey of more than 16,000 miles. The league will work with animal groups in 21 cities to help find loving homes for dogs and cats in their care. The first stop will be April 2 in San Francisco.
But Tour for Life is only the beginning. It signals the league's worldwide Pet Adoptathon May 3 and 4. Since 1995, Pet Adoptathon has placed more than 125,000 pets, and this event has grown to include animal organizations on every continent.
This year, North Shore Animal League America is asking those who want to give a lifetime of love to an animal orphan to set aside time on Saturday and Sunday, May 3 and 4, to visit their local Pet Adoptathon shelter. It's the best place for potential adopters to find a special dog or cat who will give them unconditional love in return. -- JOHN STEVENSON, PRESIDENT, NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA
DEAR JOHN: I know your announcement will be greeted with enthusiasm by animal lovers everywhere.
Readers, for more information, please call the Pet Adoptathon toll-free hotline: 1-877-BE-MY-PAL (1-877-236-9725) or visit the Web site: www.petadoptathon.com. You'll be glad you did.
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with my mom and my sister. Every time they go shopping, they buy something for me. Sometimes it's just a soda, but other times it's clothes or accessories.
I'm kinda on the boyish side and I like wearing baggy clothes. But my mom and sister always buy me tight shirts, tight pants and lots of pink stuff.
How can I tell them to stop without hurting their feelings? -- NEEDS HELP IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR NEEDS HELP: Thank them for their thoughtfulness and explain that their taste is not your own, so you would appreciate being included in the buying trips. Tell them that pink is not your color and tight clothes are not your style, and you don't want them to waste money. (It's not insulting, it's actually considerate.)
DEAR ABBY: I have been with this guy, "Joe," for more than two years -- married just one. He is very nice at times, giving me flowers and back rubs. Other times, however, Joe calls me names, pushes me around, abuses our dog, keeps my money, spends all his time with friends, lies about stupid things and makes fun of my family.
In the past Joe has hit me, but I've always forgiven him. However, nowadays I just never feel happy. I don't know what to do, Abby. We've both been through counseling at church, but nothing has changed. My friends and family say I deserve better, but I love Joe with all my heart. Can the good outweigh the bad in our case? Or is it vice versa? -- NEEDING HELP IN BEDFORD, IND.
DEAR NEEDING HELP: In your case it's vice versa -- the bad outweighs the good. You are married to an abuser. I hope you end this disastrous union before any children are involved.
If Joe threatens you after you tell him you're unhappy, call the police or the Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)