For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
'PRENUP' OFFERS PROTECTION, BUT IT FIRST MUST BE READ
DEAR ABBY: I hope the woman whose niece is marrying the rich doctor who wants her to sign a prenup sees my letter. When "Harold" and I married, he had considerably more property and a bigger income than I did. I wanted him and his adult children to know I wasn't after his money, so I volunteered to sign a prenuptial agreement.
Harold's attorney drew up the agreement, and I foolishly signed it without reading it. I assumed that anything either of us owned prior to our marriage would remain our respective personal properties -- but that after we married, we'd accumulate assets together.
Early on, it became clear that Harold wanted our finances kept separate. We never had a joint checking account, and he made me feel like I needed his permission to spend a penny. So I kept my job and never once asked Harold for money.
Well, I finally got around to reading the agreement I had signed. To my astonishment, it specified that we would never own anything jointly, nor have access to anything the other acquired during our marriage. I was crushed. In my eyes, that document made a mockery of our union. I told Harold I didn't know I had married someone who cared so little about my welfare. He maintained that the agreement was a standard prenup.
After that, I knew I had to "make my own way." I divorced Harold, got a higher-paying job and bought a home. I feel more secure now than I did during our entire marriage.
The sad part is, Harold and I always got along great. It was only our difference of opinion about money that wrecked our marriage. Now I am asking myself if I made too big a deal over the whole thing. Abby, your opinion, please. -- ON MY OWN IN TEXAS
DEAR ON YOUR OWN: A prenuptial agreement is supposed to be a pact that is satisfactory to both parties regarding the division of property should anything happen to either one of them or to the marriage. Such agreements are usually negotiated, and as with any legal document, should not be signed unless it has been carefully read and understood -- and checked by an independent attorney. Your mistake was not taking the document to a lawyer of your own and having it explained to you before signing it.
In my opinion, Harold took advantage of your trust. And no, you did not make "too big a deal" out of the whole thing. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I used to be against prenuptial agreements. Now, after a nasty divorce from my ex, who bilked me out of my inheritance from my grandmother and walked away with 90 percent of the assets we acquired during our marriage, I'm sorry I didn't insist on one. I have since remarried, and thought you'd like to know how my current husband describes a prenup: He says the agreement is like saying, "I love you so much that I'm willing to protect you from what 'I' might do if we ever split up." In essence, you are protecting not only yourself, but the person you love. A noble sentiment to be sure. -- HAPPILY MARRIED WITH TWO KIDS
DEAR HAPPILY MARRIED: The document actually does more than that, but I like your husband's definition. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I signed a prenup with my fiance before we married. It was nerve-racking, but we worked it out. The document protects us both. It gave my fiance the peace of mind that I loved him, not his money. And it protects me because I know I'll have financial stability should we ever divorce. My parents thought I was foolish to sign it, but I think they were foolish to object. -- SECURE AND HAPPY
DEAR SECURE AND HAPPY: You're not only secure and happy, but you are also a smart woman.
SAFE-HAVEN LAWS GIVE SHELTER TO BABIES ABANDONED BY PARENTS
DEAR ABBY: I am writing to spread the word that the state of Illinois has a "safe haven" law. Instead of taking the drastic step of abandoning a newborn infant, parents need to know that there is an alternative. Babies within three days of birth can be taken to any staffed fire station or hospital. You don't have to give your name -- no police will be called. Your baby will get medical care and be placed for adoption. This "no questions asked" safe alternative is for parents who might otherwise panic and try to hide the birth by abandoning the infant.
If you or anyone you know needs more information, within Illinois call (800) 252-2873. The number is active 24/7. -- CONCERNED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR CONCERNED: California also has a safe-haven law, but because my column appears in papers nationwide, I called my friend Bill Lockyer, attorney general for the state of California, to ask how many other states have similar laws. He informed me that 42 states have such protections; however, the grace period varies in duration. (Some states demand the child must be a newborn; others allow three days, 30 days or 45 days as the grace period.)
Only eight states do not have such a compassionate provision at this time. However, legislation is pending in Hawaii, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, Virginia and Wyoming. Alaska and Nebraska have no such provision pending. They are far behind the times.
I recommend that concerned citizens in all eight states write or e-mail their legislators and let them know how important such a law is, and that when it has passed, it should be PUBLICIZED. As regrettable as the need for such a law may be, it's better than a child being left to die of exposure in a Dumpster or a restroom by a parent who could not cope with parenthood.
DEAR ABBY: I am a sophomore in high school and the class clown. I crave the spotlight. However, when it comes to giving an oral presentation in front of the class, I clam up, sweat, and get so scared I can hardly speak. It doesn't make sense because I sing in the choir and have taken large roles in school plays -- all in front of huge audiences.
Why is it I'm shy in front of my class, but not in front of a crowd? -- SHY CLOWN IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SHY CLOWN: When you're singing lyrics or reciting lines written by someone else, you assume another personality. It's the mark of a talented performer. However, when you're making a presentation in front of the class, you are being yourself, and the ideas are your own. This makes you feel vulnerable.
Consider this: The next time you do an oral presentation, pretend you're a strong, confident newscaster. I'll bet you ace the assignment.
DEAR ABBY: I am in a relationship with a man I like very much. The problem is he's always laughing, and it makes me uneasy.
My father used to say, "Beware of people who laugh constantly. They usually have something to hide." Every conversation I have with this man is filled with laughter -- even when there's nothing remotely funny.
I need to know if I should be concerned about him. Please help. -- NO LAUGHING MATTER IN FLORIDA
DEAR NO LAUGHING MATTER: It could be a nervous habit, or it could be his way of coping with stress. Bring it to his attention and see what he says. Also, as with any other kind of relationship, listen to your gut. If that little voice keeps whispering that there's something not kosher, find another boyfriend.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
SCHOOL PRINCIPAL GIVES LESSON ON ENDING SEXUAL HARASSMENT
DEAR ABBY: "Three Girls From Zanesville, Ohio" wrote that they were sexually harassed at their high school by a boy who touches, grabs and pinches them. They complained to the assistant principal, and the boy was given one day of detention -- after which the harassment escalated.
Those girls should know that telling the assistant principal one time is not enough. Although your advice to tell their parents is important, much more needs to be done.
Victims must document and report any future incidents immediately to an adult at the school. In my school, if such a report occurs, the perpetrator is immediately suspended. Expulsion and legal action are also used if the sexual harassment does not stop.
In addition, because the perpetrators are often skilled at not exhibiting this behavior in clear view of adults, I teach victims how to respond so that the perpetrator is exposed. Victims must clearly and loudly tell the offender to "Leave me alone! Don't touch me! Don't say that to me!" This alerts adults and students in the school that there's a problem. Notes, e-mails or written messages must be saved and turned over to school officials. I also review the incident with the staff, to alert them to be more observant of possible future problems.
It is only through CONTINUED communication between the victim and school officials that effective action can be taken and the harassment stopped. -- GORDON W. HOOD, PRINCIPAL, NICHOLS MIDDLE SCHOOL, EVANSTON, ILL.
DEAR GORDON: Thank you for writing. Let it be lost on no one that although the girls who wrote to me were in high school, harassment also happens in middle school -- and even grammar school.
DEAR ABBY: The boy who sexually harassed the "Three Girls From Zanesville" is committing a crime. Boys who do this have no sense of appropriate boundaries with the opposite sex. If they'll do it in public, there's no telling what they will do in a private setting.
What is most surprising to me about these cases is the fact that the girls seem to tolerate it for extended periods of time. My experience leads me to believe that the culture of high school and/or junior high leads these girls to believe that they brought the harassment on themselves.
Please let all students know that inappropriate touching is not OK. They are entitled to go to school and feel safe. Policing by peers is the strongest deterrent to this type of behavior. Classmates as well as victims need to speak out against this behavior. -- DEPUTY PROSECUTOR IN WASHINGTON
DEAR D.P.: The girls "tolerate" it because they haven't learned how to effectively stop it. But you're right, silence does indicate that it's acceptable. Peer pressure can be a powerful weapon for good. When people speak out and let those around them know they won't tolerate something and stand together, it can change a culture.
CONFIDENTIAL TO EL RANCHO HIGH SCHOOL MACHO MAN: Being macho and part of the "in crowd" gives no one the right to belittle others. There's a saying, "Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one." Sounds like the voice of experience to me.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)