To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Pregnant Navy Wife Wasn't Expecting Rude Questions
DEAR ABBY: I am a Navy wife whose husband is currently deployed. Two months after he left, his mother passed away after a short, fierce battle with colon cancer. My grieving husband barely made it home in time for her funeral, and he never got to tell her goodbye.
My husband and I spent 10 emotion-filled days together in his mother's hometown before he had to return to his ship and I had to travel home to our two children. Out of that terrible heartache, we received a blessed gift -- we discovered that we're pregnant!
However, our "happy news" has created an awkward situation: Now that I'm beginning to "show," people who don't know about my husband's mother are asking when I'm due -- and I can see them mentally add the months my husband has been deployed. One woman actually counted out loud on her fingers and then exclaimed, "But he's gone! How is it that you're expecting?"
Our children are 13 and 11, and people have asked in their presence if they come from previous relationships -- and if this new baby will be my husband's and my first child together. One of my daughter's teachers even had the nerve to ask her who the father of the baby is! My darling daughter responded in typical teen-age fashion, "My dad, of course!" Then she rolled her eyes.
How should we as a family respond to these outrageous inquiries? I am at a loss. -- NAVY WIFE AND MOTHER IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR NAVY WIFE AND MOTHER: When you are asked who the father of the baby is, smile and reply, "Ask my husband when he gets home. He was there when it happened."
DEAR ABBY: On Sept. 11, I tragically lost my brother, New York firefighter Michael Kiefer of Ladder 132 in Brooklyn. He was only 25 when he died, and his greatest dream was to be a New York firefighter. He lived his dream for only nine months.
The pain of losing my brother in such a violent and senseless act has been unbearable. My parents told me about the "pennies" letters in your column -- how each time someone finds a penny, it means a loved one in heaven is thinking of us. I cannot begin to tell you how true this has been for my family.
Whenever one of us is feeling especially down about Michael, we always find a penny. An example: My brother loved to go to the gym, so one day I decided it was time for me to get back in shape and make him proud. All during my workout I told my angel brother I was doing it for him. As I walked out of the gym, there it was -- a bright, shiny penny! I knew then that Michael was proud of me. It truly was a penny from heaven, and without a doubt from my brother, whom I love and will miss for the rest of my life. Michael, you will always be our hero and you will never be forgotten! -- LAUREN M. KIEFER, FRANKLIN SQUARE, N.Y.
DEAR LAUREN: I extend my deepest sympathy to you and your family for the loss of your heroic brother. The "pennies from heaven" letters have moved many of my readers. And one day I hope to publish a collection of the letters I have received with their messages of hope. Thank you for sharing yours.
Girl's Troubled Past Makes Friend Fear for Her Future
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old girl with a problem. For a couple of months, a close friend of mine, "Casey," was going out with "Michael," a boy from school. They broke up two months ago because Mike wanted to date other girls. Casey was crushed when it happened, although only a week later she was telling everyone (including Mike) that she was "over him." I know it was a lie.
Casey has had major problems in the past -- depression and an eating disorder. It's obvious to me that she hasn't gotten over Mike. In no way is he interested in Casey romantically, but she talks about him 24/7.
Abby, I don't know what to do for Casey. I feel like yelling at her to get the message that Mike's not interested. I've told her that she needs to let go, but it's no use. What now? -- WORRIED ABOUT MY FRIEND IN RHODE ISLAND
DEAR WORRIED: Casey needs some new activities and new interests so she can stop replaying those old tapes in her head. One way to help her forget about Mike would be to introduce her to some new friends. You could also suggest she get into some new activities so she'll have something else to talk about.
DEAR ABBY: Over the holidays, my stepdaughter told her father and me that she is being married again and to save the second weekend in May. Shortly after, we received a formal invitation in the mail. About three weeks ago, my husband's ex-wife called to give us a list of what she had spent on the wedding and to request "our share" of the cost -- to the tune of $3,000.
This will be the second marriage for both the bride and groom, who are in their mid-30s. They live together in the home they own and have a successful business. By all accounts, they're doing very well.
Since my husband and I are not part of the wedding party (he was not asked to walk his daughter down the aisle) and we had no part in the wedding plans, I feel that whatever "Mom" wishes to spend is up to her, but we owe nothing more than what we originally promised to give the newlyweds.
Are we off base here? -- PUT OFF IN WINSTON-SALEM, N.C.
DEAR PUT OFF: Certainly not. Since this is a second wedding, and the bride and her fiance are well-established, and since you were not consulted or even asked to be a part of the ceremony, I see no reason why you should pay more than you have already promised.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are both 50-plus. We are being married in four months -- the second marriage for both of us. We have maintained separate households and we really need nothing.
How can we send invitations to family and friends and let them know that no household gifts are needed? Please help. -- BRIDE-TO-BE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: Add the following to your invitation: "No gifts, please. Your presence will be our cherished gift, and we respectfully request no other."
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
MIDDLE-SCHOOL CRUSH GROWS INTO FULL-FLEDGED HARASSMENT
DEAR ABBY: I went to school with "Bert" from grammar through high school. It's no secret that he's been in love with me since seventh grade. After we graduated from high school, Bert remained in our hometown. I moved away and go back only to visit my family.
Bert got my phone number from a mutual friend and, in the four years since high school, has called once in a while. Out of courtesy I'd chat with him, thinking his calls would eventually stop. I was wrong.
For the last two months, Bert's calls have become so frequent, I have stopped answering my phone -- or if a girlfriend is visiting me, I'll ask her to answer for me and tell Bert I'm "on a date." I hoped he'd take the hint, but it hasn't worked.
Last Christmas he sent me an expensive present. I did not accept it and still have not spoken to him.
Then one night last week, while I was out with the girls, Bert called every 20 minutes and maxed out my voicemail with messages saying he loves me. I don't know what to do. This has escalated to the point I'm afraid Bert could become violent. What should I tell him? -- NERVOUS IN MAINE
DEAR NERVOUS: Stop evading Bert's calls. Tell him, "I know we're old acquaintances, but I'm not interested in any kind of relationship with you. Please do not call again." If he continues, speak to your lawyer and to the police about a restraining order. He appears to be unable to face rejection.
DEAR ABBY: This summer I will be marrying "Joan," a wonderful woman who means the world to me. She is a professional who has done very well for herself, in spite of her poor command of the English language. For example, Joan uses "them" preceding a noun, says "don't know nobody," and other nonstandard forms. I have noticed her grammar is worse when she's under pressure or tired.
In six weeks, Joan will meet my family for the first time. I fear they'll be appalled by some of the things she says. How can I help my sweetheart clean up her grammar before she meets them? To Joan's credit, she is making a sincere effort to improve her language skills and has repeatedly asked me to correct her -- but it's a daunting task.
Please don't tell me my fiancee's positive qualities outweigh the language problem. This is a big roadblock for me. Your suggestions would be appreciated. -- WELL-SPOKEN GENT IN TENNESSEE
DEAR WELL-SPOKEN GENT: The best advice I can offer is this: Make up your mind whether or not you love her enough to accept her AS SHE IS -- with room for improvement. Do not correct her in front of your parents. If Joan's only flaw is her grammar, you're really a lucky man. Nobody is perfect.
DEAR ABBY: I can't help feeling "Gotta Get Good Grades in Wyoming" needs more than a bright math student to tutor her in math. That student should be tested for visual perception problems. I know. I was 60 years old before I was tested. It doesn't help to understand what to do with numbers if your perceptual problems scramble them. -- PENNY IN BUCKLAND, MA.
DEAR PENNY: I agree. The child should be tested, because the problem could also be dyslexia or some other learning disability.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)