To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Husband Who Secretly Strayed Is Home Under False Pretenses
DEAR ABBY: "Janice" and I have been friends for nearly 10 years. A few months ago, her husband, "Jimmy," confided to my husband he was having an affair and planned to leave Janice and the children to live with his lover. Jimmy swore my husband to secrecy, but of course my husband told me everything. There are no secrets in our home.
Jimmy told Janice only that he wanted a separation. She was devastated. In the meantime, Jimmy's lover left him and went back to her husband. Because Jimmy didn't want to be alone, he stayed with Janice, saying he had changed his mind about the separation and wanted to work things out.
Janice has no idea what her husband has been up to. She thinks his wanting to leave was all her fault. Now she's bending over backward trying to make Jimmy's life as comfortable and cozy as possible so he won't want to separate again.
It makes me sick to see that louse get away with it, while my friend is walking on eggshells. I'm having a hard time keeping quiet. Every time I'm around Janice I practically bite my tongue off! Should I tell her the truth? -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST
DEAR CONCERNED FRIEND: Recognize that if you tell her, there will be a nuclear explosion -- and the fallout will land on you and your husband.
That said, Janice should know that her husband has a wandering eye and that it's "possible" while her husband was "considering separation," he had sex with someone else. Encourage Janice to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) as a precaution. She deserves to know so she can protect herself, because I predict it's only a matter of time until her husband strays again.
DEAR ABBY: I am a twice-married woman about to turn 30, with a wonderful husband and three beautiful sons. We own our home, have two nice cars, food on the table and clothes on our backs. However, I'm feeling like my life is in a black hole and I'm desperate to get out.
I am the primary caregiver for my mother, who is in the early stages of Alzheimer's. I am about to lose my job of 12 years due to downsizing, and our financial situation will definitely take a downturn when I'm unemployed.
My father (who is in ailing health) lives out of town, and although I'd love to visit him, going there with my husband and kids is just too hard.
During the past year, I gained a great deal of weight and can't seem to find the time or energy to get it off. I have severe migraines and feel like a time bomb waiting to explode.
Any advice on how to pull one's self up from the pits, Abby? Lately I have experienced more than one occasion of wanting to run away -- and that in itself frightens the living daylights out of me. Please help. -- ON THE BRINK OF DISASTER IN SOUTHERN UTAH
DEAR ON THE BRINK: Considering everything that's going on in your life, it's no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. You appear to be experiencing a combination of stress, depression and caregiver burnout. A good place to start finding remedies is your doctor. Call and schedule an exam and truth session.
Also, contact the nearest chapter of the Alzheimer's Association for the location of a senior respite-care facility for your mother. You appear to be a conscientious wife, mother and daughter, but even the best of us sometimes need a helping hand. Good luck.
Ailing Widow Wants to Move but Son Wants Her to Stay
DEAR ABBY: I am 73, in poor health and desperately need your advice. My husband died two years ago after a long illness and crushing medical expenses. I can no longer care for our property as well as I once could and would like to sell it and move to town to be closer to my stores, my doctors and church.
The problem is that my oldest son, "Doug," who has lived many states away for 25 years, wants the property. He wants me to stay here until he retires -– which would be several years from now. From time to time, Doug has helped me out financially, and that makes me feel obligated.
My other two children know what an awful time I'm having making ends meet. They think I should sell now if that's what I want. It's lonely here and winters are bad. I would like to sell as soon as possible and repay Doug the money he has given me.
When Doug learned what I wanted to do, he said some nasty things about me to the other two –- and to some friends of the family. It was very hurtful. I have prayed about this, and hope no one else has to bear this kind of worry when they get old. Please tell me what to do. -- HURT AND LOST IN INDIANA
DEAR HURT AND LOST: Under no circumstances should you continue to live in a place where you feel lonely and isolated. You must do what is right for YOU. First on that list should be to get an appraisal of your property from a reputable company. Your lawyer or your banker can recommend one. After that, inform your children what the asking price will be. If Doug wants to buy it, fine. If not, put it on the market.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 27-year-old single mother of an 11-year-old boy. After a year of dating, we moved in with my fiance, "Gary," two months ago. It's been a huge transition, and my son and our cat have adjusted beautifully. However, I have not.
Last night, Gary and I talked at length about the possibility that I wasn't "ready" for this move after all. His response was that if I moved out, our relationship would be over.
I love Gary and don't want to lose him, but all my life I've needed to do things on my own. I don't know if I can ever be truly happy living with a man. Before my son and I moved in with Gary, I missed him terribly every minute we were apart. I now realize how much I miss my space and having my own place. Am I being selfish? Will I ever be happy cohabitating? -- CONFUSED IN VERMONT
DEAR CONFUSED: Needing independence is not selfish, and for your fiance to give an ultimatum is controlling. Listen to your gut -– it's giving you an important message. Leaving Gary may be traumatic for your son. Please be sure he has all the emotional support he needs.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I enjoy eating at buffet-style restaurants. Drinks are usually brought to the table by servers, who also clear away empty dishes and attend to any additional needs we may have.
Our question: What percentage of tip is appropriate? Some patrons leave none at all. Awaiting your reply. -- SENIOR SWEETHEARTS IN PALM HARBOR, FLA.
DEAR SENIOR SWEETHEARTS: In a buffet-style establishment, the appropriate tip would be 10 percent –- or more, if the service is outstanding.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Neighbors Respond to Tragedy by Jumping to Family's Aid
DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, our beloved son-in-law, "Tom," died unexpectedly at only 39 years of age. Our daughter and her three children, all under 8, survive him.
The night Tom died, neighbors took care of our grandchildren, while others accompanied my daughter to the hospital. They waited throughout the night until we arrived from out of state, hundreds of miles away.
The next day these wonderful people took their own children out of school to play with our grandchildren. Neighbors took days off work to comfort and care for our daughter. They organized a schedule of who would provide meals.
More than 15 families in the neighborhood helped with all the small yet important details before and after the funeral. Photos of our son-in-law and the family were enlarged, framed and displayed in the visitation room of the funeral home -– along with hand-drawn pictures and letters of sympathy from the neighbors' children and our grandchildren's classmates. Friends set out journals for guests to record their memories of Tom and express their condolences.
In the coffee room at the funeral home, neighbors arranged for baby sitters, toys, food and beverages for the many children in attendance. After the memorial service, these folks catered lunch at our daughter's home.
Several neighbors opened their homes to out-of-town visitors. And to top it all off, the family next door moved out of their home to provide extra room for family members attending the funeral. Now, months later, neighbors are still taking our grandchildren on outings, checking on our daughter, and bringing in meals on occasion.
Never have I seen a neighborhood with so much warmth and caring. In a day and age when neighbors barely know each other, it is inspiring -– especially in a metropolis like Chicago.
I know of no other column with a wider audience than yours, Abby. Please share this experience with your readers in the hope that they, too, will make the effort to participate in their neighborhoods and be of service to others. -- A GRATEFUL MOTHER
DEAR GRATEFUL MOTHER: I offer my condolences for your loss. Being of service to others is the highest calling I know. In these complicated economic and political times, people often narrow their focus. Your daughter's neighbors are an inspirational example of brotherly love in action.
DEAR ABBY: I was divorced three years ago and am uncertain about what to do with my wedding album. This is on my mind because I'll be remarrying this year, and I have no desire to keep the photos from my first marriage. My dilemma is that I have two small children and wonder if there would be any benefit –- or harm -– in keeping the album for their sakes. (Their dad is pretty much out of the picture.) Thanks for any light you can shed on this. -- BRIDE-TO-BE IN OMAHA
DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: Although that chapter of your life is now closed, it is still very much a part of your children's history. Put the albums in storage for your children to have later.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
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