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Pregnant Wife Fears She's Lost Husband's Full Attention
DEAR ABBY: My fifth wedding anniversary is coming soon. I was looking forward to it until last night. I took my children to visit their daddy at his office. He is usually happy to see us. We found him eating his dinner in the company's break room.
We were enjoying a pleasant conversation when suddenly a female co-worker burst in and began telling a story. This woman, "Carmen," is very voluptuous and extroverted. My husband started laughing like crazy at Carmen's funny story –- which I didn't find amusing at all. But it didn't bother me until my husband came home from work and we started getting ready for bed. He began repeating this "funny" story he heard at work. When I told him I was there when Carmen told it, he looked surprised and said, "You were?"
Abby, I was crushed! I had been in that break room for 15 minutes before Carmen came in, and my husband had forgotten all about our visit. I am trying not to let it bother me, but I am 7 1/2 months pregnant and beginning to believe my husband no longer cares for me. What should I do? -- FEELING BIG AND BROKENHEARTED
DEAR FEELING BIG AND BROKENHEARTED: First of all, remember that pregnancy is only temporary, and that many people think there is nothing more beautiful than a pregnant woman. However, somehow you are feeling threatened. Carmen may be bombastic, but if your husband wanted to share her funny story with you, you should not be threatened by one instance of short-term memory loss.
DEAR ABBY: I am 15 and in tears as I write this. My parents met in college and married when Mom got pregnant with my older brother. They recently celebrated their 17th anniversary. Lately, it seems all Mom and Dad do is argue. My father's job requires him to work long hours and travel a lot, so things have been especially stressful.
Last weekend, my brother and I went to visit our aunt and uncle who live a couple of hours away. While I was sitting at their computer e-mailing some friends, I couldn't resist the temptation, so I pulled up an e-mail Mother had sent to my aunt. In it, Mom wrote that she "can't take it any longer" and finally talked to a divorce lawyer. She plans to file for divorce as soon as my brother graduates from high school. She doesn't want us kids to know because my brother needs to keep his grades up so he can get into a good college, and she knows the news would upset us.
But that wasn't the worst part. Mom went on to say she had confessed to our priest that she's been having an affair with a co-worker! Mom reads your column every day, so please give us some good advice. If she reads this letter and your reply, maybe it would help her reconsider what she's doing. -- HOPING TO SAVE MY PARENTS' MARRIAGE IN GEORGIA
DEAR HOPING'S MOTHER: If this scenario seems strangely familiar to you, please know that your plans are no longer a secret and are causing great stress to your daughter.
Before you make any life-altering decisions, end the affair and start marriage counseling with your husband. It wouldn't hurt to begin family counseling as well.
THE DISABLED DESERVE HUMAN RIGHTS AS WELL AS LEGAL RIGHTS
DEAR READERS: In the hope that it will raise awareness about the rights of people with disabilities, I am continuing the subject of yesterday's column.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about "Kent," the 40-year-old man, bedridden with muscular dystrophy, who asked his friend, "Vic," to arrange his first sexual experience. His deeply religious parents were offended and now refuse to allow him any contact with his friend.
Abby, those parents have a right to determine what happens in their home. While the son lives there, he should respect the rules of the house. This is called RESPECT! -- MARGE IN CLARKSVILLE, TENN.
DEAR MARGE: Respect should work both ways. Those parents could learn a lot from meeting other parents of adult children with disabilities. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am a social worker and advocate for individuals with disabilities. What was described in the letter is abuse on the part of the parents and should be reported to adult protective services immediately. "Kent's" caretakers have violated his religious and sexual rights as a human being, and this could be considered false imprisonment. Practices like these are often only the tip of the iceberg. Being a caretaker is about helping someone live, not forcing one's beliefs and practices on another. -- FURIOUS IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: It is illegal to prevent an adult dependent from having consensual sex or seeing friends. (This would not be the case if the woman had charged for her services –- which she did not. If she had, the parents would have the right to prohibit "illegal activities" in their home.)
Facility accreditation statutes prohibit such restrictions, but often it is not brought to the attention of the local human services department. Thank you for addressing this, Abby. -- DISABILITY ADVOCATE IN IOWA
DEAR ABBY: What do these parents think will happen to their son when they die? "Kent" needs to start learning to hire and deal with attendants, manage an apartment from his bed, coordinate medical care and all the rest of the skills that life on his own will involve.
Abby, he needs intervention and possibly legal services. These are listed in the phone book under headings such as "disability services" and even "legal aid." -- CATHRYN IN DANNVILLE, CALIF.
DEAR CATHRYN: When I answered the letter from "Vic," I did not realize that what the parents are doing could be interpreted as abuse. I want to thank you and my other readers for pointing that out.
DEAR ABBY: "Vic" deserves a medal for what he did for his friend. My husband and I are disabled with different disabilities. We must constantly deal with people who think we should give up our freedom. Thank you for printing that letter. If anyone can get the public to realize that adults with disabilities need to be regarded as worthwhile human beings, it's you.
Please don't reveal our name or location. We live in a small town with small-minded people. -- "X" IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR X: In addition to the letters I have printed, I have received many in which the writers poured out their hearts about the isolation they feel because of their disabilities. They want to love and be loved, to be recognized as having something positive to offer to those around them. Everyone has different qualities that make them unique and special. In today's world, people with disabilities have rights –- and being recognized as a sexual being is only one of them.
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Paralysis Doesn't Diminish Need for Sexual Fulfillment
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for printing the letter from "Vic in Graham, N.C.," who arranged a sexual experience for his friend, "Kent," who is 95 percent paralyzed. It's a controversial subject that needed airing. Thank you, too, for your direct and supportive reply in which you confirmed that (a) people with disabilities DO have sexual feelings; (b) healthy relationships build self-esteem; (c) projecting personal moral values on an adult who is dependent is wrong; and (d) people with disabilities should be encouraged to live life as fully as possible.
My brother became a paraplegic at 17. This April he turns 47. For the last seven years he has been happily married. I know there were times following his accident when, as a single man, he contacted escort services, and I supported his choice. It not only countered major depression, but restored self-confidence, and also confirmed that while his life had dramatically changed, he was still LIVING. -- TOM IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR TOM: The letter from "Vic" touched me so deeply I knew it had to be printed, and the reply came from my heart. The mail I have received regarding that letter has been both moving and educational. People with disabilities have rights –- human rights and legal rights -– to live life as fully as possible. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I speak as a retired Christian pastor who has seen the hurt that "traditional values" unfairly inflict on people like "Kent" and "Vic." Our society has failed miserably to understand the emotional and sexual needs of people with disabilities. Since we have no institutionally sanctioned means of responding to such needs, I believe "Vic" took the next best alternative.
I hope you will initiate vigorous dialogue on this subject and raise new awareness. Thank you for your sensitive and caring statement. -- CONCERNED CLERIC IN FLORIDA
DEAR CONCERNED CLERIC: Thank you for speaking out -- although if my mail is any indication, many other Christians do not share your view.
DEAR ABBY: I know the pain "Kent" is feeling. I have been paralyzed for four years. Women ignore me completely now that I am in a chair. I am lonely and yearn for female attention. People don't realize how normal people in wheelchairs are. I am the same as they are. I just cannot move.
For "Kent's" parents to be so narrow-minded is terrible. He shouldn't be locked up and isolated. Fortunately, my own parents are more understanding, but it is still difficult for them to understand how important female companionship is to me. -- BEEN THERE IN SOUTH DAKOTA
DEAR BEEN THERE: Bless them for putting your happiness first.
DEAR ABBY: I am an adult protective services worker. Providing care for a person does not confer the right to control. In Oregon, isolating adults who are physically disabled for this or any other reason is a violation of their rights and state law.
"Vic" should call the local disability services office and speak to an adult protective services screener or investigator. The goal is not to "call in the law" on "Kent's" parents or punish them, but to help them gain a clear understanding of the rights of adults no matter what their physical condition or care requirements. -- AN APS WORKER IN OREGON
DEAR APS WORKER: Obviously, "Kent's" parents need to gain insight. Education is the answer. More on this important subject tomorrow.
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