To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Teenager Deserves to Know Circumstances of His Birth
DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old son, "Bradley," was conceived by artificial insemination using an anonymous donor. His father and I divorced when our child was very young, and Brad has never been told the truth about his conception. However, a handful of people on both sides of the family DO know. Over the years, Brad's father has provided minimal financial and emotional support for our son. (My ex has remarried; I have not.)
I have been advised by my minister to tell Bradley the truth now. However, I am being told by my mother that Brad should never be told, and we should just hope that no one spills the beans.
Have you any thoughts on a situation such as this? -- WORRIED MOM IN CHICAGO
DEAR WORRIED MOM: Your mother is well-meaning, but your minister is right. Your son should be told the truth. There is no shame in it, and because other family members already know, the boy needs to hear it from you before he hears it from someone else. Better now than later.
DEAR ABBY: For the past year, I've had an exclusive relationship with "Bernie." We're both in our mid-20s and live in the same neighborhood. A month ago, Bernie broke up with me. He said he hadn't gotten over the pain of a previous relationship and wasn't ready to get serious. He said he wanted to remain "friends," but every so often he'd do something that made me feel like I still meant something to him.
One night last week we went to a movie, grabbed a bite to eat and ended up at his place. Bernie sweetly asked me to stay the night and I was overjoyed. The next morning he said it had been a mistake -– his feelings for me had not changed.
We haven't talked since then, and I feel hurt and devalued. Am I overreacting? -- CONFUSED IN BROOKLYN
DEAR CONFUSED: I don't think so. Bernie knew he had a sitting duck and his behavior wasn't sportsmanlike. Accept the fact that you and he have different goals and move on. Once you have started dating someone else, you can revisit the issue of a friendship with Bernie. (I'll bet you decide against it.)
DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Todd," presented me with a ring made of cheap, colored stones that cost him three days' pay. Nobody treats me like I'm engaged because my ring doesn't look like an engagement ring. Meanwhile, I am surrounded by women at work who have beautiful solitaire engagement rings.
Todd never makes any effort in bed. He takes his pleasure and gives me none. He keeps a photo scrapbook of his former girlfriends and continues to take them out to dinner during the week. If I object, he says they're just "gal pals," and I'm being unreasonable.
On weekends -– which is the only time I see him -– Todd says he's "too tired" or "too broke" to take me to dinner and a movie. Am I right to feel cheated? -- MAD AND SAD IN MISSOURI
DEAR MAD AND SAD: From what you have written, Todd is meeting none of your needs –- materially, physically or emotionally. If you continue this relationship, you are only cheating yourself.
A word to the wise: Ask yourself why you are with him. Only you can answer that.
Potty Mouthed Parents Are Setting Bad Example for Kids
DEAR ABBY: My son, "Stan," and his wife, "Meg," do not have the best of marriages. When they fight, they have mouths that should be washed out, bleached and rinsed with holy water. I have a granddaughter who is 7 and a 10-year-old grandson who have seen and heard things no kids should.
I have scolded Stan and Meg for using obscenities in front of their children. My son was not raised this way, but when I speak my mind, Meg says she's the mama -- not me.
I am a firm believer that children learn by example, and my grandchildren are not being provided a good one. When the kids are with their granddad and me, we try to instill values and explain things to them when they ask. I just hope they grow up understanding that not everyone lives and talks the way their parents do. Your thoughts, please. -- CARING GRANDMA IN A LITTLE TEXAS TOWN
DEAR CARING GRANDMA: I agree that, for better or worse, youngsters learn more from the example their parents set than from any lecture. Your grandchildren are being done a tremendous disserve. They are being taught that verbal abuse and profanity are normal. By indulging themselves in this behavior, your son and his wife are shirking their parental duties. Please continue to interact with your grandchildren as often as possible so they can have positive role models.
DEAR ABBY: Over the years, my husband and I have noticed that you often advise couples to seek marriage counseling. We've been married 25 years and want to offer a few thoughts:
First, there is a misconception that "going to counseling" is a sign that the marriage is failing. We have benefited from counseling several times. We are strong-willed people who sometimes have trouble getting past things that bother us, including dreams and goals that conflict with each other. The way we express ourselves can sometimes be detrimental, too. While we can work through most of these disagreements, we have found outside counsel very helpful at times.
Second, there are a variety of ways a couple can get counseling. Many churches have caring couples in successful marriages who are trusted by the pastoral staff to counsel other couples. These couples are usually warm and generous and have a lot of wisdom to share.
We also recommend that engaged couples seek counseling before they marry. We wish we had been given real counseling at that point in our lives. There were hidden issues that an experienced counselor could have pointed out to us -- our different philosophies about handling money, raising children, relationships with extended family, career, etc.
A marriage requires work by both individuals in order for it to grow. There is no shame in reaching out for guidance when needed, and no sense in waiting until things are out of control. -- WENDY AND BILL NICKOLEY, ROCKAWAY, N.J.
DEAR WENDY AND BILL: I often recommend counseling because the problems in the letters I receive are usually just the tip of the iceberg. I agree that couples should seek help while trouble is brewing instead of waiting until the pot has boiled over. However, for those who are unaffiliated or who would rather not get church-based counseling, a call to one's physician requesting a referral can also be effective.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
MOM'S NUDITY AROUND THE HOUSE IS MORE THAN SON CAN HANDLE
DEAR ABBY: For the last 11 years, my ex-wife and I have shared joint custody of our 13-year-old son, "Brad." He has often complained to me about his mother not respecting his wishes.
Recently, Brad told me his mom walks around the house in the nude, and it makes him very uncomfortable. Since she and I have an ongoing family law court "disagreement" on what constitutes the best interest of our child, talking directly to her about this is not possible. I am allowed to communicate only through her attorney. Abby, how should I handle this so my son can feel comfortable in his mother's home? -- SHE'S NAKED AS A JAY BIRD
DEAR S.N.A.A.J.B.: Talk to your lawyer about your son's discomfort with his mother's nudity. He is approaching the age where the courts will allow him more input regarding custody. Ask your son to document where and when this is going on, and let his mother know how her nude lifestyle makes him feel. It's important that he speak up, so she can't claim ignorance.
DEAR ABBY: In two months I will be quitting my place of employment and moving to the West Coast. Even though I dislike my job, I love the people I work with and feel bad about leaving them.
The boss holds regular staff meetings and assigns me duties. My stomach churns each time I accept a project I know I will not be around to complete.
Is it immoral to keep secret the fact that I will be resigning in two months? I plan on giving three weeks' notice, which I think is fair --- and all I can afford. If I give more than that, I know my boss would find my replacement right away. What should I do? -- CAUGHT IN A BIND IN KNOXVILLE, TENN.
DEAR CAUGHT IN A BIND: Make detailed notes at the meetings when future duties are assigned so that your replacement will not be left in the dark. Then follow your plan and submit three weeks' notice when you're ready to leave. Do not feel guilty. You are giving adequate notice. Good luck.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old girl who loves school. I'm an honor roll student and have been student of the month two years in a row. My problem is, I have a friend named "Carly" who is competitive with me to the extreme. Not just with grades, but with everything I do.
Carly wants to compare our grades the minute they're handed out, and she feels the need to outdo me in all the after-school activities we share. We've had some embarrassing fights because of this, and I always end up breaking down crying. It's like she's so jealous that it's taking the fun out of school for both of us.
My mom keeps saying, "You girls will work it out," but I don't see how. Please help me figure out a way to end this conflict. -- SMART GIRL IN ORLANDO
DEAR SMART GIRL: Take the high road. Do not allow yourself to be drawn into a conflict. Do the best you can with grades and after-school activities. Let Carly have her victories, and enjoy yours without rubbing it in. We all have different strengths, and there's room for both of you to excel.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)