Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Woman Hopes Fling With Boss Will Become Steady Commitment
DEAR ABBY: I'm kinda involved with this guy at work. He's my boss and he's really hot. "Rod" and I started sleeping together almost a year ago, and he's told me all along that he cares a lot for me. My problem is he says he can't "be" with me, because he can't give me what I deserve emotionally -- he can only fulfill my physical needs.
So, in my head I'm saying, "OK, that's better than nothing." Rod bought me a car and has been generous in the money department. But a couple of months ago, he started seeing this other girl. I refer to her as the "Sexless Unwilling Virgin."
Rod says he loves her, but he still wants to sleep with me. I don't understand why he doesn't love me, and I can't figure out why he's never taken me out on a real date. Lately he only stays overnight when he doesn't have anything else to do.
I know he cares for me, and that we have a history he doesn't have with the "S.U.V." Should I keep sticking it out? I can't stop hoping that one day we'll end up being a real couple. Rod means the world to me. I'd do almost anything for him. What do you think? -- IN LOVE WITH THE HOT ROD
DEAR IN LOVE: Idle your motor. The man you have described appears to be fulfilling your material and physical needs -- but not your emotional ones. It's up to you to decide how long you can live with two out of three. I hope you'll soon wake up to the fact that you are being used, and that it will spur you to find a man who truly loves you and is willing to make a commitment.
DEAR ABBY: My mother and I have always agreed that we don't interfere with each other's decisions. Emotional support and tidbits of advice are welcome -- but no meddling. This worked well for us until she met "Don" nine months ago. They're currently living together and plan to be married this summer.
Don spends his afternoons at the neighborhood bar, has worked only two weeks since Mom has known him (he was fired for stealing), has been arrested for shoplifting, and lies about his "war experience" in hopes of gaining sympathy. (He never served a day in the military. I checked.)
Mother is one of those women who are incapable of living alone. Her second husband of eight years died suddenly last year, and since then her life has been anything but normal and stable. My sister flat-out told her how she feels about Don ("Dump the loser") and now they're not speaking. I don't want to harm our relationship, but Mom constantly asks me for money I don't have. What am I supposed to say to her, Abby? -- TOO EXASPERATED FOR WORDS IN ARKANSAS
DEAR EXASPERATED: Tell her no, and tell her why. Explaining that you have no intention of supporting her freeloading fiance is not meddling. It's a bracing dose of the truth, and a glimpse of what lies ahead for her.
Your mother needs to know now that although you love her, you refuse to dispense dollars like an ATM machine, and she deserves someone who will treat her far better than Don does.
DEAR ABBY: I have a beautiful double strand of pearls I'd love to wear, but it was a gift from my ex-husband. Can I wear the necklace while out with my current husband? -- NEW WIFE IN GUAM
DEAR NEW WIFE: As long as your current husband doesn't object, I see no reason why not. Sometimes a string of pearls is only a string of pearls.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to the "Anonymous Girl in North Dakota," a fifth-grader who said she is teased because she's "really short." My 10th-grade daughter was in the same boat, always the tiniest and suffering from comments made not only by other kids, but by adults as well.
Please let "Anonymous Girl's" parents know they should see a pediatric endocrinologist as quickly as possible. Their daughter may be a candidate for treatment with HGH (human growth hormone), which many insurance companies have recently allowed as a pharmaceutical deduction rather than a medical expense, making treatment much more affordable. Time is of the essence! Once the growth plates close, the window of opportunity also closes. For children who do not produce enough growth hormone, the treatment is a medical necessity. -- JERI IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR JERI: Thank you for an important letter. I did not realize that the solution to the girl's problem might be solved by medical intervention. Her letter generated comments from many readers who wanted to help. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Please let that young girl in on a secret. The kids who tease her are not making fun of her because she's short. They do it because they're worried someone is going to find a reason to make fun of THEM. They're trying to make themselves look good by making her look bad. When I was in fifth grade, I was made fun of for being tall. By focusing attention on someone else, they deflect criticism from themselves. -- MANDY IN COLORADO
DEAR MANDY: You've hit the nail on the head.
DEAR ABBY: The girl who's teased should give a big laugh and say, "I like to think of myself as perfection in miniature!" It worked for me. -- SUZANNE IN SEATTLE
DEAR ABBY: The child in North Dakota should know that the Greek philosopher, Aristocles, was very short, too. His nicknames were "Shorty" or "Flatty." We know him today as Plato. -- FRANCIS A. BURKLE-YOUNG, GETTYSBURG COLLEGE
DEAR ABBY: An interviewer asked a short-statured man how he felt being surrounded by people taller than he. His reply was priceless: "Like a dime among pennies." -- CATHERINE IN TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: Please tell that girl to get involved in competitive cheerleading or gymnastics. In either sport, small size can be an advantage. In cheerleading, the smallest girls get to be the "fliers," the ones who are tossed in the air or at the top of the stunts. This is true of my daughter. It has boosted her confidence. She now views her height as an asset rather than a liability. -- MOTHER IN S.E. TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: The plea from the child in North Dakota touched my heart. I, too, have always been short. My defense was to become an achiever in class and in athletics. (I later became a doctor.) The best response to people who tease should be, "That's the way God made me, and I do the best I can with what I was given." Detractors have a difficult time fielding that response. -- ALBERT IN VERO BEACH, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter had the same problem. Finally she looked at her tormentor and said, "Yes, I am short. I'm also sweet, cute, bright and a good friend. I am also finished talking to you about things that are out of my control. You're boring me!" And she walked away. The girl never bothered her again. -- PROUD MOM IN HONOLULU
DEAR PROUD MOM: Which proves there is no defense like a strong offense. (Thank you to everyone who wrote. "Shortness" of space is a frustrating reality I can't ignore.)
GAY MAN OUTRAGED BY NEIGHBOR WHO BRAGS ABOUT SEX WITH BOY
DEAR ABBY: I am a 32-year-old gay man who lives with my partner in a large condominium complex. Another gay man, "Nigel," lives down the hall. We do not socialize. Nigel is in his late 40s, and I have a strong aversion to him because he informs anyone who'll listen about his sexual escapades.
I recently ran into Nigel in the elevator, and he started boasting about a fling he's having with a 16-year-old boy who lives two floors below. As we stepped into the lobby, Nigel waved to the boy's mother, then laughingly told me under his breath that she regards him as just "a neighbor friend who kindly drives her son to school."
Abby, please urge your readers to get to know who their children are spending time with. They should make it a point to meet all their children's friends in person, and never permit their kids to go out with "friends" they haven't met.
Is there anything I can do about Nigel and that boy? Should I call the authorities? I feel this monster is taking advantage of a minor and should be stopped. -- NO NAME, CITY OR STATE
DEAR NO NAME, CITY OR STATE: What Nigel is doing is child abuse. Tell the boy's mother what Nigel told you. She needs to know what's going on. It's up to her to report it to the police.
DEAR ABBY: Recently, while "under the influence" at a party, "Ray," a friend of my boyfriend, "Pete," tried to kiss me. I avoided Ray for the rest of the evening and have not told anyone about the incident. The trouble is, my boyfriend has told me more than once that if he ever found out any of his friends had made a move on me, he'd hurt him badly.
I don't know if I should tell Pete what happened and try to explain that Ray was drunk and didn't know what he was doing. I don't think Ray would ever try anything like that while sober, so I'm tempted to keep quiet -- so no one gets hurt. However, I have never kept a secret from my boyfriend before, and I'm worried that if he finds out, he might think I kissed Ray back. What do you think I should do, Abby? -- NOT A PARTY GIRL IN ONTARIO, CANADA
DEAR NOT A PARTY GIRL: Don't tell him. I am concerned because it appears that your boyfriend has a violent and/or intimidating streak. You should be able to confide in him without feeling threatened.
I urge you to rethink your relationship with both of these young men, and the kind of parties you are attending.
DEAR ABBY: Just before Christmas, I found evidence on our computer that my husband was cheating. New proof continues to appear, though less frequently.
I am financially dependent on my spouse, physically unable to work, and my elderly mother lives with us. She is completely dependent on me for her care. Financially, I cannot afford to leave or ask my husband to leave. I'm afraid to let on that I know about his infidelity, but don't know how much longer I can keep silent. The hurt and anger are eating me alive. What should I do? -- HUMILIATED IN THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS
DEAR HUMILIATED: The stress of caring for your mother may have affected both you and your husband. If you continue to suffer in silence, it's only a matter of time until you explode -- which would be counterproductive. Tell your husband calmly that you know what's been going on. Explain that you would like the both of you to get marriage counseling to heal the breach that has developed in your relationship. Marriages can be saved after an infidelity if both parties are willing to work on it.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)