For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: A young married woman said she and her mother were at odds about the tradition of tossing the bouquet and bride's garter at weddings. You said, "Because catching a bouquet or garter is no guarantee the person will be the next to marry (it's 'up for grabs'), I see no reason why any guest should be excluded."
Well, I disagree! I perform disc jockey and video services for weddings. I have seen little girls and boys with bloody noses, skinned knees and elbows, etc. Would you send an 8-year-old to play football at your local college? For liability reasons, I specifically note in my contract that if the bride insists on including guests under 16, I am not liable for injuries. Insurance companies don't like to cover stupidity.
Please rethink this one, Abby! -- BRENT YACIW, WESLEY CHAPEL, FLA.
DEAR BRENT: Your point is well taken. I received a ton of terrific mail on tossing wedding bouquets and garters, and will share as much of it as possible:
DEAR ABBY: The custom is tacky and should be eliminated. It's embarrassing to singles who are dragged onto the floor by well-meaning friends and family. It's almost as bad as watching the new couple smash cake in each other's face. -- J.H., MELROSE, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: When I married, I had a candy toss for anyone 12 or under. It worked wonderfully. The kids had fun and were part of the festivities. -- JENNIFER IN FREMONT, OHIO
DEAR ABBY: For guests 16 and under, we tossed a teddy bear dressed like a bride, and did the same for the boys with a groom bear. -- BECKY IN HURST, TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: I am a florist. Many brides order a small bouquet to toss to the little girls, and they either toss their own bouquet or an extra (large) one to the big girls. -- RON D., BELLEVILLE, ILL.
DEAR ABBY: The custom is, whoever catches the garter must put it high on the leg of the woman who catches the bouquet. At one wedding I attended, a 9-year-old boy caught the garter and then sat at the feet of the lady who caught the bouquet and sobbed for 10 minutes because he was so humiliated. Children should not be subjected to this. -- KATHY IN FORT LEE, N.J.
DEAR ABBY: As the mother of two little girls, I do not want anyone touching their legs. As a wedding DJ, here's how I handle the garter toss: I have the little girl sit in a chair with her arms out and her hands in a prayer position. I then give the male the garter and he has three chances to toss it over her hands. No one is touched, and it's perfectly innocent. The kids love it. Remember, kids are just adults in training. -- LORI LEE, A DJ IN HORSEHEADS, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: I have been a caterer for more than 20 years. A classy alternative is this one: The bridal couple asks all married guests to stand. Then, in multiples of five or 10 years, they are asked to sit down when asked the length of their marriage. The couple married the longest is awarded the bouquet and garter to the applause of everyone. -- MIKE F., ANKENY, IOWA
DEAR READERS: I learn so much from you. Thank you for all your suggestions, and for the privilege of doing a job I love. -- XXX, ABBY
GLACIAL PACE OF RELATIONSHIP PUZZLES WOMAN WANTING MORE
DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old college student. I first met "Andy" in my freshman year. We became good friends and shared a fair amount of time with each other. I became very fond of him after several months of dinners, going to Mass each week and studying together. I finally asked Andy point-blank where our relationship was headed. He responded that relationships "evolve."
Although I'm in no hurry to rush into anything, I wouldn't mind a little kiss from Andy now and then. He is very courteous and caring when we're together. He calls our get-togethers "appointments," and if he has to break one (which has happened only twice in two years) he is very apologetic.
My question: In developing a serious relationship, how slow is too slow? -- PERPLEXED SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA
DEAR PERPLEXED: THIS is too slow. Andy appears to be a master of the noncommittal understatement. He has a way with words, but they're not the words you want to hear. You are both young, and you clearly want more than Andy wants to offer. I suggest you look elsewhere if you're looking for romance.
DEAR ABBY: Excuse me? Did I detect the perception of a correlation between "uncool" and "being in the high school band" in recent letters in your column?
I played baritone horn in school band and married my childhood sweetheart, a tuba player, 22 years ago. We gave birth to a French horn-playing daughter and a trombone-playing son, both all-state band musicians. Our homegrown brass quartet plays together in churches, at festivals and in our local community band, and I arrange music for us.
Can life even get any cooler than being able to share brass with your entire family? As they say (to paraphrase just a bit), "The family that PLAYS together, STAYS together!" My advice to your school-age readers is, don't bypass those band people! Our kind of "cool" holds up over time. -- KAY IN BASS CLEF, MILFORD, DEL.
DEAR KAY: It certainly does. Through music, your children have learned more than the value of teamwork -- you live together in beautiful harmony. What a gift!
DEAR ABBY: I am a 75-year-old married man. Recently a good friend of mine died. He is survived by his wife.
Is it proper for me to call her on a regular basis to see how she is getting along? Would it be more correct to just call her once in a while? Please let me know. -- FRED IN FLORIDA
DEAR FRED: You are a caring friend. It's fine to call her on a regular basis as long as you call her together with your wife.
You and your wife should also, as a couple, invite her out occasionally. Sometimes after a death, friends seem to pull back just when their friendship and support are most needed. I'm sure your friend's widow will appreciate being both remembered and included.
TO MY IRISH READERS: Happy St. Patrick's Day:
May there always be work for your hands to do.
May your purse always hold a coin or two.
May the sun always shine on your windowpane.
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Boyfriend's Frequent Outbursts Make Woman Fear for Future
DEAR ABBY: Last Friday was my birthday. My co-workers threw me a surprise party, complete with cake, singing, a card signed by everyone in the office, and a beautiful bouquet of roses and orchids.
That night, when I told my boyfriend, "Rodney," about it, he blew up and talked nonstop about how no one ever does "nice stuff" for him. Then he said he had completely forgotten my birthday -- and even worse, he tried to pick a fight.
When I shared this with my mother, she told me that Rod's behavior could be considered emotional and verbal abuse. He has always gotten angry over little things, and is quick to complain about what he "doesn't have and never will." I've heard all the stories about how rough he had it growing up. I, on the other hand, have pleasant childhood memories and a positive outlook on life.
The next day Rod apologized. He said his outburst was because he was mad at himself for forgetting my birthday and embarrassed that other people did things for me that he should have done. Should I accept his apology and move on -- or am I seeing signs of a relationship doomed to fail? We've been together for three years, and I'm growing tired of his outbursts. -- DISSATISFIED WITH MY GUY IN EAST LOS ANGELES
DEAR DISSATISFIED: If your birthday was yet another example of Rodney's volatility and negativity, it's time to accept the fact that he doesn't make you happy -- and probably never will. Your signature says it all. Consider this: The best belated birthday present you can give yourself is your freedom and the chance to move on.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Ray" for nine years. We have three children under 7. For a couple of years, I have noticed money missing from our bank account. Each time I asked Ray about it, he'd always have an excuse, saying, "I bought tools," etc.
A week ago, I noticed an unusually large withdrawal. When I confronted my husband, he finally told me the truth. Ray confessed that he's been going to massage parlors and prostitutes for the last two years -- and he is an admitted sex addict. Abby, I am devastated. His confession rocked my world.
I ordered Ray to get out. Now, one week later, I have been to counseling and he has agreed to go. What I am asking is this: Have you ever heard of "sex addiction," and can it be cured? I love my husband and want to give this marriage a chance, but I'm terrified he will stray again. -- NO NAME, CITY OR STATE
DEAR NO NAME: I have known about sex addiction for decades, when a member of Sexaholics Anonymous came to my office with literature about the problem. The organization is well established and has chapters all across the United States -- and in 16 countries -- and its program is based on the AA 12-step model. It works for people who are truly motivated.
For more information about Sexaholics Anonymous, write: S.A., P.O. Box 111910, Nashville, Tenn. 37222-1910, or call: 615-331-6230. The Web site is www.sa.org, and the e-mail address is: saico(at)sa.org.
P.S.: If you haven't already done so, see your physician about being screened for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)