To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
GLACIAL PACE OF RELATIONSHIP PUZZLES WOMAN WANTING MORE
DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old college student. I first met "Andy" in my freshman year. We became good friends and shared a fair amount of time with each other. I became very fond of him after several months of dinners, going to Mass each week and studying together. I finally asked Andy point-blank where our relationship was headed. He responded that relationships "evolve."
Although I'm in no hurry to rush into anything, I wouldn't mind a little kiss from Andy now and then. He is very courteous and caring when we're together. He calls our get-togethers "appointments," and if he has to break one (which has happened only twice in two years) he is very apologetic.
My question: In developing a serious relationship, how slow is too slow? -- PERPLEXED SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA
DEAR PERPLEXED: THIS is too slow. Andy appears to be a master of the noncommittal understatement. He has a way with words, but they're not the words you want to hear. You are both young, and you clearly want more than Andy wants to offer. I suggest you look elsewhere if you're looking for romance.
DEAR ABBY: Excuse me? Did I detect the perception of a correlation between "uncool" and "being in the high school band" in recent letters in your column?
I played baritone horn in school band and married my childhood sweetheart, a tuba player, 22 years ago. We gave birth to a French horn-playing daughter and a trombone-playing son, both all-state band musicians. Our homegrown brass quartet plays together in churches, at festivals and in our local community band, and I arrange music for us.
Can life even get any cooler than being able to share brass with your entire family? As they say (to paraphrase just a bit), "The family that PLAYS together, STAYS together!" My advice to your school-age readers is, don't bypass those band people! Our kind of "cool" holds up over time. -- KAY IN BASS CLEF, MILFORD, DEL.
DEAR KAY: It certainly does. Through music, your children have learned more than the value of teamwork -- you live together in beautiful harmony. What a gift!
DEAR ABBY: I am a 75-year-old married man. Recently a good friend of mine died. He is survived by his wife.
Is it proper for me to call her on a regular basis to see how she is getting along? Would it be more correct to just call her once in a while? Please let me know. -- FRED IN FLORIDA
DEAR FRED: You are a caring friend. It's fine to call her on a regular basis as long as you call her together with your wife.
You and your wife should also, as a couple, invite her out occasionally. Sometimes after a death, friends seem to pull back just when their friendship and support are most needed. I'm sure your friend's widow will appreciate being both remembered and included.
TO MY IRISH READERS: Happy St. Patrick's Day:
May there always be work for your hands to do.
May your purse always hold a coin or two.
May the sun always shine on your windowpane.
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
Boyfriend's Frequent Outbursts Make Woman Fear for Future
DEAR ABBY: Last Friday was my birthday. My co-workers threw me a surprise party, complete with cake, singing, a card signed by everyone in the office, and a beautiful bouquet of roses and orchids.
That night, when I told my boyfriend, "Rodney," about it, he blew up and talked nonstop about how no one ever does "nice stuff" for him. Then he said he had completely forgotten my birthday -- and even worse, he tried to pick a fight.
When I shared this with my mother, she told me that Rod's behavior could be considered emotional and verbal abuse. He has always gotten angry over little things, and is quick to complain about what he "doesn't have and never will." I've heard all the stories about how rough he had it growing up. I, on the other hand, have pleasant childhood memories and a positive outlook on life.
The next day Rod apologized. He said his outburst was because he was mad at himself for forgetting my birthday and embarrassed that other people did things for me that he should have done. Should I accept his apology and move on -- or am I seeing signs of a relationship doomed to fail? We've been together for three years, and I'm growing tired of his outbursts. -- DISSATISFIED WITH MY GUY IN EAST LOS ANGELES
DEAR DISSATISFIED: If your birthday was yet another example of Rodney's volatility and negativity, it's time to accept the fact that he doesn't make you happy -- and probably never will. Your signature says it all. Consider this: The best belated birthday present you can give yourself is your freedom and the chance to move on.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Ray" for nine years. We have three children under 7. For a couple of years, I have noticed money missing from our bank account. Each time I asked Ray about it, he'd always have an excuse, saying, "I bought tools," etc.
A week ago, I noticed an unusually large withdrawal. When I confronted my husband, he finally told me the truth. Ray confessed that he's been going to massage parlors and prostitutes for the last two years -- and he is an admitted sex addict. Abby, I am devastated. His confession rocked my world.
I ordered Ray to get out. Now, one week later, I have been to counseling and he has agreed to go. What I am asking is this: Have you ever heard of "sex addiction," and can it be cured? I love my husband and want to give this marriage a chance, but I'm terrified he will stray again. -- NO NAME, CITY OR STATE
DEAR NO NAME: I have known about sex addiction for decades, when a member of Sexaholics Anonymous came to my office with literature about the problem. The organization is well established and has chapters all across the United States -- and in 16 countries -- and its program is based on the AA 12-step model. It works for people who are truly motivated.
For more information about Sexaholics Anonymous, write: S.A., P.O. Box 111910, Nashville, Tenn. 37222-1910, or call: 615-331-6230. The Web site is www.sa.org, and the e-mail address is: saico(at)sa.org.
P.S.: If you haven't already done so, see your physician about being screened for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
TURNABOUT IS FOUL PLAY IN RETALIATION FOR CHEATING
DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old member of the Air Force stationed in South Korea. I would have been married last month to "Barbara," whom I met back home three years ago. However, Barbara broke up with me because she thought our engagement was too long, and she was tired of waiting.
After Barb broke our engagement, she started hanging out with a rough crowd –- drinking, smoking dope, etc. The last time I was home on furlough, she confessed that two weeks after our engagement was called off, she had sex with a guy she didn't even know. Barb knows she made a terrible mistake.
After much soul-searching I forgave her –- and we are once again talking marriage. My problem is, I feel a strong urge to cheat on her before we tie the knot. I was up-front with Barb about my feelings. I argued that it took 11 months before she'd sleep with me, and it took her only two weeks to find a total stranger to have sex with.
Every time I think about the fact that Barbara had sex with someone else, it makes me want to retaliate. Should I act on it, Abby? -- SOUL-SEARCHING IN SEOUL
DEAR SOUL-SEARCHING: Please RE-consider everything you are considering. Having sex with someone in order to punish a third party is a poor reason to have sex. I urge you to resist the impulse. Frankly, I think neither of you is ready to marry anyone at this time.
DEAR ABBY: I am curious about baby shower etiquette. I'm 27 and pregnant with my second child. My son from a previous relationship will be 8 years old this month. I am now married, and this will be my husband's first child. I had a shower before my son was born, but as the years passed I've given away most of his baby things.
A few of my closest friends want to give me a shower, but my sister is telling everyone that it's not appropriate. It's not so much the gifts I want, but the celebration of this new life growing inside me. If you can offer any advice, it would be greatly appreciated. -- SECOND-TIME MOM IN LOUISIANA
DEAR SECOND-TIME MOM: I see nothing inappropriate about a shower for the new baby, for the good reasons you have given. Please don't let your sister spoil a happy occasion.
DEAR ABBY: I am a recovering alcoholic with 20 years of sobriety. My daughter is in the midst of planning her wedding. I am going to pay for it, which I'm happy to do.
My dilemma: I feel reluctant to pay for the alcohol. My daughter and her fiance explained the situation to his parents and asked them to pitch in. They refused.
I have no objection to liquor being served, but as a matter of principle, I don't want to foot the bill. Please advise. -- FATHER OF THE BRIDE IN OHIO
DEAR FATHER OF THE BRIDE: Do not feel guilty for standing by your convictions. Under the circumstances, your position is understandable. Since the groom's parents refuse to pitch in, arrange for a variety of nonalcoholic beverages to be served -– and don't apologize. If your daughter wants to serve alcohol, tell her that she and her fiance are welcome to pay for it.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)