For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Poor Health Is Heavy Price Paid by Uninsured Americans
DEAR ABBY: Your readers often express concerns about America's health-care system. However, one problem doesn't get enough attention: More than 41 million Americans are without health insurance. This includes more than 8 million children. In March, hundreds of national organizations will work together to spotlight this problem.
The uninsured pay a high price for not having health coverage. They often live with prolonged illness and skip lifesaving medical screenings. Their children do not get adequate medical care.
Please urge your readers to join me during "Cover the Uninsured Week," March 10-16, 2003. During this time, a series of national and local activities to increase discussion of the issue will be featured.
To learn more about this, to find resources to help the uninsured and discover simple ways to get involved, visit: www.CoverTheUninsured.org.
Abby, thank you for informing your readers about this unprecedented awareness campaign. -- RISA LAVIZZO-MOUREY, M.D., PRESIDENT, THE ROBERT WOOD JOHNSON FOUNDATION
DEAR DR. LAVIZZO-MOUREY: You're welcome. I am pleased to promote your awareness campaign in the hope that concerned readers will get involved. It's a disgrace that in a country as wealthy and powerful as ours, millions of people are without access to medical care.
DEAR ABBY: Please settle an ongoing debate between me and a friend: When is the appropriate time to end conversations at the movie theater? Should they end when the lights go down and the screen lights up, or is it OK to talk through the previews until the feature begins? -- MOVIE-MANNERS SEEKER
DEAR MOVIE-MANNERS SEEKER: Conversation should cease when the lights go down and the previews begin. (Sometimes they are better than the full-length movies.) Silence is considered a sign of respect for those seated around you and will be appreciated.
P.S. Cell phones and pagers should also be turned off.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letters about doctors who dislike being asked medical questions in social settings, I had to write.
Anytime you include a job description such as doctor or lawyer with your name, you can expect questions regarding your profession. It happens to everyone.
Speaking as a real estate investment adviser, I can assure you that even doctors try to get free advice. The same thing happens to accountants, carpenters, painters, police personnel, nurses and just about everybody else.
It should come as a surprise to no one. It is called CONVERSATION. -- HAPPY TALK IN WINNETKA, ILL.
DEAR HAPPY TALK: You're right. Many people ask questions as a way of showing interest and starting conversations. It happens to advice columnists, too. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: After reading about doctors getting asked for free advice, I would like to offer my father's response when asked what he did for a living.
He would say, "I follow the medical profession."
"Oh, you're a doctor?"
"No, I'm a mortician."
At that point the questioners usually changed the subject. -- RUTH STRAND, RANCHO MIRAGE, CALIF.
DEAR RUTH: Too bad. Death is the one thing we will all have in common.
Husband Who Secretly Strayed Is Home Under False Pretenses
DEAR ABBY: "Janice" and I have been friends for nearly 10 years. A few months ago, her husband, "Jimmy," confided to my husband he was having an affair and planned to leave Janice and the children to live with his lover. Jimmy swore my husband to secrecy, but of course my husband told me everything. There are no secrets in our home.
Jimmy told Janice only that he wanted a separation. She was devastated. In the meantime, Jimmy's lover left him and went back to her husband. Because Jimmy didn't want to be alone, he stayed with Janice, saying he had changed his mind about the separation and wanted to work things out.
Janice has no idea what her husband has been up to. She thinks his wanting to leave was all her fault. Now she's bending over backward trying to make Jimmy's life as comfortable and cozy as possible so he won't want to separate again.
It makes me sick to see that louse get away with it, while my friend is walking on eggshells. I'm having a hard time keeping quiet. Every time I'm around Janice I practically bite my tongue off! Should I tell her the truth? -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST
DEAR CONCERNED FRIEND: Recognize that if you tell her, there will be a nuclear explosion -- and the fallout will land on you and your husband.
That said, Janice should know that her husband has a wandering eye and that it's "possible" while her husband was "considering separation," he had sex with someone else. Encourage Janice to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) as a precaution. She deserves to know so she can protect herself, because I predict it's only a matter of time until her husband strays again.
DEAR ABBY: I am a twice-married woman about to turn 30, with a wonderful husband and three beautiful sons. We own our home, have two nice cars, food on the table and clothes on our backs. However, I'm feeling like my life is in a black hole and I'm desperate to get out.
I am the primary caregiver for my mother, who is in the early stages of Alzheimer's. I am about to lose my job of 12 years due to downsizing, and our financial situation will definitely take a downturn when I'm unemployed.
My father (who is in ailing health) lives out of town, and although I'd love to visit him, going there with my husband and kids is just too hard.
During the past year, I gained a great deal of weight and can't seem to find the time or energy to get it off. I have severe migraines and feel like a time bomb waiting to explode.
Any advice on how to pull one's self up from the pits, Abby? Lately I have experienced more than one occasion of wanting to run away -- and that in itself frightens the living daylights out of me. Please help. -- ON THE BRINK OF DISASTER IN SOUTHERN UTAH
DEAR ON THE BRINK: Considering everything that's going on in your life, it's no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. You appear to be experiencing a combination of stress, depression and caregiver burnout. A good place to start finding remedies is your doctor. Call and schedule an exam and truth session.
Also, contact the nearest chapter of the Alzheimer's Association for the location of a senior respite-care facility for your mother. You appear to be a conscientious wife, mother and daughter, but even the best of us sometimes need a helping hand. Good luck.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Ailing Widow Wants to Move but Son Wants Her to Stay
DEAR ABBY: I am 73, in poor health and desperately need your advice. My husband died two years ago after a long illness and crushing medical expenses. I can no longer care for our property as well as I once could and would like to sell it and move to town to be closer to my stores, my doctors and church.
The problem is that my oldest son, "Doug," who has lived many states away for 25 years, wants the property. He wants me to stay here until he retires -– which would be several years from now. From time to time, Doug has helped me out financially, and that makes me feel obligated.
My other two children know what an awful time I'm having making ends meet. They think I should sell now if that's what I want. It's lonely here and winters are bad. I would like to sell as soon as possible and repay Doug the money he has given me.
When Doug learned what I wanted to do, he said some nasty things about me to the other two –- and to some friends of the family. It was very hurtful. I have prayed about this, and hope no one else has to bear this kind of worry when they get old. Please tell me what to do. -- HURT AND LOST IN INDIANA
DEAR HURT AND LOST: Under no circumstances should you continue to live in a place where you feel lonely and isolated. You must do what is right for YOU. First on that list should be to get an appraisal of your property from a reputable company. Your lawyer or your banker can recommend one. After that, inform your children what the asking price will be. If Doug wants to buy it, fine. If not, put it on the market.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 27-year-old single mother of an 11-year-old boy. After a year of dating, we moved in with my fiance, "Gary," two months ago. It's been a huge transition, and my son and our cat have adjusted beautifully. However, I have not.
Last night, Gary and I talked at length about the possibility that I wasn't "ready" for this move after all. His response was that if I moved out, our relationship would be over.
I love Gary and don't want to lose him, but all my life I've needed to do things on my own. I don't know if I can ever be truly happy living with a man. Before my son and I moved in with Gary, I missed him terribly every minute we were apart. I now realize how much I miss my space and having my own place. Am I being selfish? Will I ever be happy cohabitating? -- CONFUSED IN VERMONT
DEAR CONFUSED: Needing independence is not selfish, and for your fiance to give an ultimatum is controlling. Listen to your gut -– it's giving you an important message. Leaving Gary may be traumatic for your son. Please be sure he has all the emotional support he needs.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I enjoy eating at buffet-style restaurants. Drinks are usually brought to the table by servers, who also clear away empty dishes and attend to any additional needs we may have.
Our question: What percentage of tip is appropriate? Some patrons leave none at all. Awaiting your reply. -- SENIOR SWEETHEARTS IN PALM HARBOR, FLA.
DEAR SENIOR SWEETHEARTS: In a buffet-style establishment, the appropriate tip would be 10 percent –- or more, if the service is outstanding.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)