Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
MOM'S NUDITY AROUND THE HOUSE IS MORE THAN SON CAN HANDLE
DEAR ABBY: For the last 11 years, my ex-wife and I have shared joint custody of our 13-year-old son, "Brad." He has often complained to me about his mother not respecting his wishes.
Recently, Brad told me his mom walks around the house in the nude, and it makes him very uncomfortable. Since she and I have an ongoing family law court "disagreement" on what constitutes the best interest of our child, talking directly to her about this is not possible. I am allowed to communicate only through her attorney. Abby, how should I handle this so my son can feel comfortable in his mother's home? -- SHE'S NAKED AS A JAY BIRD
DEAR S.N.A.A.J.B.: Talk to your lawyer about your son's discomfort with his mother's nudity. He is approaching the age where the courts will allow him more input regarding custody. Ask your son to document where and when this is going on, and let his mother know how her nude lifestyle makes him feel. It's important that he speak up, so she can't claim ignorance.
DEAR ABBY: In two months I will be quitting my place of employment and moving to the West Coast. Even though I dislike my job, I love the people I work with and feel bad about leaving them.
The boss holds regular staff meetings and assigns me duties. My stomach churns each time I accept a project I know I will not be around to complete.
Is it immoral to keep secret the fact that I will be resigning in two months? I plan on giving three weeks' notice, which I think is fair --- and all I can afford. If I give more than that, I know my boss would find my replacement right away. What should I do? -- CAUGHT IN A BIND IN KNOXVILLE, TENN.
DEAR CAUGHT IN A BIND: Make detailed notes at the meetings when future duties are assigned so that your replacement will not be left in the dark. Then follow your plan and submit three weeks' notice when you're ready to leave. Do not feel guilty. You are giving adequate notice. Good luck.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old girl who loves school. I'm an honor roll student and have been student of the month two years in a row. My problem is, I have a friend named "Carly" who is competitive with me to the extreme. Not just with grades, but with everything I do.
Carly wants to compare our grades the minute they're handed out, and she feels the need to outdo me in all the after-school activities we share. We've had some embarrassing fights because of this, and I always end up breaking down crying. It's like she's so jealous that it's taking the fun out of school for both of us.
My mom keeps saying, "You girls will work it out," but I don't see how. Please help me figure out a way to end this conflict. -- SMART GIRL IN ORLANDO
DEAR SMART GIRL: Take the high road. Do not allow yourself to be drawn into a conflict. Do the best you can with grades and after-school activities. Let Carly have her victories, and enjoy yours without rubbing it in. We all have different strengths, and there's room for both of you to excel.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I invited an acquaintance -- I'll call her June -- to our housewarming party. As I was showing her the bedroom, June asked to see an opal ring that she noticed me wearing on the day we met. I opened my jewelry box and watched as she tried it on.
Just then, the doorbell rang and I rushed to answer it. With all the goings-on of the party, I completely forgot about June and the opal ring until she said her goodbyes. June laughingly told me the ring had gotten stuck on her finger and she couldn't get the "darn thing" off. Then she was gone.
That was two months ago. June moved out of town and left no forwarding address. My husband and I couldn't locate her. The ring belonged to my husband's late grandmother and was a gift to me on our wedding day. My husband's mother and sister are furious with me for allowing June to walk off with an heirloom. They have been pressing me to track her down and take her to court.
I continued to search for her with no luck until last week, when June called and said she was in town and would like to drop by. She never showed up. I'm beginning to wonder if she will ever return my ring. I want to avoid conflict and am trying to think of a way to get it back without having to go to court. Can you help me, Abby? -- MISSING MY OPAL IN COLORADO
DEAR MISSING: Pick up the phone, tell the police what happened, and file a theft report. It appears that June has sticky fingers in more ways than one, and depending on the value of the ring, has committed grand theft.
Please don't wait. Sometimes conflict is unavoidable, and in this case, you have every right to scream, "I wuz robbed." Good luck.
DEAR ABBY: I have been going with "Jeremy" for five years. He's 28, I'm 25. We love each other dearly. We've talked seriously about getting married and having children. The problem is he's asked me twice to marry him --- only to take his proposals back.
The first time, we set a date and started making wedding plans. When Jeremy changed his mind, I asked if it had anything to do with me. He said no --- that he loves me and can't picture a life without me --- but he was scared.
Now when the subject of marriage comes up and we talk about a wedding and future together, Jeremy makes remarks like, "Yes, if we make it that long." Then he starts naming all the people we know who have gotten divorced. I blame Jeremy's mother for his attitude. She's been married and divorced five times. (Her most recent marriage lasted less than a year.)
I want to spend my life with Jeremy more than anything in the world, but his negative outlook on marriage worries me. I hate to say it, but I'm beginning to resent him for it. Should I break it off or stay? -- UNSURE IN INDIANA
DEAR UNSURE: Before this mating dance goes any further, you and Jeremy should get premarital counseling. It's an understatement to say that he has poor role modeling when it comes to marriage and what it entails. Counseling will give him the chance to express all his fears in a supportive setting. Without it, I see no future in this on-again, off-again romance.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Determined Bride Draws Line at Writing Groom's Thank Yous
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for your response to my "Angry Aunt in Akron," who complained because I haven't written thank-you notes for the wedding gifts my husband and I received from his family. (I was prompt in acknowledging those we received from mine.) This was per the agreement we had made before the wedding.
When mine were finished, I nagged to no avail. A few months later, his parents confronted me. I explained our agreement to split the chore, but my mother-in-law thought otherwise. She continued to argue that my husband "always had trouble when it came to writing." Throughout school his parents corrected his mistakes and typed his papers before he turned them in. In other words, instead of teaching him, they "fixed" things for him -– and she blamed me for not doing the same.
Abby, I married a man, not a child. Marriage is a union, a joint venture between two people. You said it beautifully when you advised my aunt that "times have changed." They have! A woman's place isn't where it used to be, and a wife isn't a replacement for a mother. -- THANKFUL BRIDE IN MICHIGAN
DEAR THANKFUL BRIDE: I said times were CHANGING; I didn't say that the change was complete. While many people agreed with my reply, almost as many did not. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I disagree with you. Marriage is a partnership. While the groom is ill-mannered and negligent, I think the bride is being childish. If I waited for my wife of 33 years to do what some might consider "her job," our household would be a sorry state -– and I'm sure plenty of times she'd say the same about me. If more young people adopted our philosophy, perhaps there wouldn't be so many divorces. -- GARY IN GRANITE CITY, ILL
DEAR GARY: I agree that a successful marriage takes a lot of giving on both sides. What I disagree with is the stereotype that writing thank-you notes is automatically "woman's work."
DEAR ABBY: Your reply to "Angry Aunt" was correct. I'm 54. In recent years I have received many thank-you notes from the groom. I agree that with both husband and wife working, it's only fair that both write them. My son is being married in three months. I plan on showing him the letter from "Angry Aunt" and also my reply. -- HAPPY AUNT B. IN NEW ORLEANS
DEAR HAPPY AUNT B.: You'll be doing him and his bride a favor.
DEAR ABBY: I had the same problem. After weeks of watching my husband, "Roy," procrastinate, I realized that while they were "his" guests, we were one unit. People who thought poorly of him would also think poorly of "us."
Roy and I bring different strengths and weaknesses to our marriage, and perhaps my strength could help him with his weakness -– so I came up with a plan: Roy had expressed interest in visiting a new French cafe. I agreed to go, but only if we took blank thank-you cards that Roy would write while I caught up on other post-wedding work. We shared a delightful bottle of wine, and the thank-yous went out the next day.
That bride needs to be creative about getting her new husband to send the thank-yous out, because, like it or not, his procrastination makes them both look bad. -- CHICAGO NEWLYWED
DEAR NEWLYWED: C'est magnifique! Thanks for sharing your solution.
DEAR ABBY: After a recent wedding I attended, the bride wrote the notes to the groom's family and friends, and the groom wrote to the bride's. This made me feel more welcomed by the groom and let me know he wanted to communicate with his new bride's side of the family. A great way to incorporate into one family, don't you think? -- AMANDA IN BLOOMINGTON, IND.
DEAR AMANDA: I do. And excellent public relations.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cook booklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)