For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
FIANCE COMES CLEAN ABOUT DRUG USE ONE MONTH BEFORE WEDDING
DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Doug," just revealed to me that for the past six months he's been using drugs. We've been together almost four years and our wedding is scheduled for next month. We are both in our early 20s.
Doug confessed that he has been using money we set aside for bills to buy drugs. He said he has also stolen money from our best friend for the same purpose.
He came to me on his own to tell me all this. Doug has always been a sweet, caring guy. I love him with all my heart, but I've lost my trust in him. Now I don't know what to do. I can hardly believe this is happening. I still want to marry him, but don't want to marry someone I don't trust. What should I do? I need an answer in a hurry. -- HURT AND CONFUSED IN FLORIDA
DEAR HURT AND CONFUSED: You have just had a peek at what life is like with an addict. Postpone the wedding indefinitely until your fiance has been through rehabilitation and is established in a 12-step program. You may love him -- and vice versa -- but there is a side to your fiance that you're just getting to know. I urge you to be sure he's clean before you make a lifetime commitment.
DEAR ABBY: Friends of ours, "Cindy and Josh," are moving a few states away and throwing a goodbye party for themselves. Are my husband and I required to take a gift to the party? They were married a few months ago, and we were very generous with their shower and wedding gifts.
Josh has been unemployed for more than a year. According to Cindy, he doesn't like to job-hunt, so he's waiting for something to "fall in his lap." On the other hand, Cindy has a well-paying, full-time job. They live rent-free in a house his parents own, and spend their money on sports memorabilia, stereo equipment, electronic gadgets, etc.
Neither one has a job waiting in the city where they're relocating, but they were given money by Cindy's parents to cover moving expenses and rent for the first few months. Cindy is hinting broadly that she expects cash as gifts.
I thought gifts were required only at housewarmings -- not farewell parties. However, my husband doesn't want us to appear cheap. Your thoughts, Abby? -- QUESTIONING COUPLE IN MISSOURI
DEAR QUESTIONING COUPLE: Although you are not required to take a farewell gift to the party, a token gift would be thoughtful. A small "jam jar" might be appropriate, because I predict they'll encounter more than one along the way. (A book on money management would also be appropriate -- and helpful.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old freshman in high school. My problem is that my math grades stink. Each night I try hard to double-check my math homework, but when it gets graded the next day, I always end up missing six or seven out of 10 questions.
I've asked my parents for help. They say it's been too long since they tackled math, and it's beyond them. Help! -- GOTTA GET GOOD GRADES IN WYOMING
DEAR GOTTA GET GOOD GRADES: You need a tutor. A junior or senior math-whiz who's patient could help you turn things around. Talk to your math teacher or school counselor before you fall further behind. They're there to help. Good luck.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to comment on the letter from "Jack of All Trades," who feels he is at a dead end because he has only a G.E.D.
I work for a college. Many of the students who come through our doors have G.E.D.s. We test the students to place them in classes for their level of learning.
"Jack" can get a degree, and he is never too old to start. Many older people are entering college for the first time today. He shouldn't hesitate. New classes begin all year long. -- BEVERLY P., WICHITA, KAN.
DEAR BEVERLY: I hope "Jack" sees this column, because many people reached out to help him. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I was in "Jack's" shoes at one time. I had little education, no family and no direction.
It took determination to change my situation. I was married to an abusive man, had quit high school in 10th grade and had very little family support. I decided at 25 that it was time to take back my life.
I went to night school to get my G.E.D., then went on to college for eight years. After receiving my B.A. degree, I left my abusive marriage, landed a great job, and today I'm enrolled in an MBA program.
Good luck, "Jack"! You can do it. -- FINALLY EDUCATED IN TAMPA
DEAR FINALLY EDUCATED: It's success stories like yours that inspire others.
DEAR ABBY: This is in reply to the 32-year-old "Jack" who feels he has done nothing with his life. Sooooo? The average healthy American is living 80 or more years, which means "Jack" has about 50 to go. Now more than ever, nontraditional students are going to college for the first time. A college adviser is there to help in areas of financial aid and selecting a major -- and support groups such as SOS (Student Opportunity Services) help nontraditional students adjust to college life. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, BILLINGS, MONT.
DEAR BT/DT: Thank you for your helpful suggestions.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Jack of All Trades" really hit home. I, too, struggled with everything. It turned out I have attention deficit disorder (ADD). My life is now changed and, at 35, I am back in college. I'm learning and growing in every way and every day. I can also sleep at night. -- RON IN TOPEKA
DEAR RON: You have made an excellent point. A person who has difficulty concentrating or is disorganized should be evaluated for ADD.
DEAR ABBY: My father moved out of the house last week and I am really hurting. What can I do to ease the pain besides the obvious: spend time with him on weekends, call him, etc.? I feel like I no longer have a dad -- even though I still see him at least once a week. -- FEELING FATHERLESS IN NORTH DAKOTA
DEAR FEELING FATHERLESS: Tell your father exactly how you feel. Your feelings are normal. Some family counseling sessions to ease the transition could be helpful for all of you.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Wife of Military Man Is Hurt When His Parents Ignore Her
DEAR ABBY: For the two years I've been married to "John," I have known his parents wished he had married someone other than me. They have never accepted me or tried to get to know me as a daughter-in-law. Family is important to me. All I ever hoped was that they'd give me half a chance.
I've told John how I feel. He has yet to stand up for me. What upsets me is his mom and dad are nice to my face and in John's presence, but when he isn't around they ignore me. It's like I'm invisible.
My husband is in the military. During the past year he has been away on active duty, his parents have never once invited me to spend a holiday or any other time with them. I am always the one to reach out. John is due home next month, and I know my in-laws will try to "make nice" with me for his benefit -– but it's all fake.
If they truly wanted to get to know me, they would have tried while I was alone. (I live less than a mile from them.) I am sad, hurt and angry about the way I've been treated in my husband's absence. I love him more than anything, but my biggest fear is that when we're reunited, my feelings toward his folks will have a spillover effect on our marriage. What can be done, Abby? -- MISERABLE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW IN NORFOLK, VA.
DEAR MISERABLE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: When your husband returns, impress upon him the fact that his parents never called or invited you to join them in his absence. It's a shame to have to put him in the middle, but these are his parents and if they'll listen to anybody, it's most likely him.
In the meantime, develop other emotional resources with other military families. When a loved one goes on active duty, it's not unusual that those left behind are on an emotional roller-coaster. Other wives (and husbands) can appreciate how you feel. Perhaps you can support each other.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Harvey," and I became engaged over the holidays. We are beginning to plan our wedding. Harvey was raised Jewish. I was raised Catholic. We envisioned a ceremony with both a priest and a rabbi.
However, Harvey's parents have informed us that they will not attend if a priest is present. One solution might be to be married by a justice of the peace, but my parents want a "man of God" to preside.
Harvey and I are willing to do whatever it takes to please our parents, but we are having a difficult time reaching a compromise. Also, my parents are paying for the entire wedding, so I'm not sure if that gives them more "say" in the matter or not. Please help. -- MARRIAGE BOUND AND IN A BIND
DEAR MARRIAGE BOUND: Before you and Harvey make any more plans, it might be helpful for both sets of parents to get together socially. If there is no "meeting of the minds," I urge you and your fiance to get premarital counseling –- preferably from a nondenominational counselor. The problems you have encountered with Harvey's parents are just the beginning. You and he must come to a clear understanding now about how your children will be raised. If it's anything other than Jewish, I see major family problems and conflicts ahead for you because of his parents' stance.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)