Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Family History of Alcoholism Worries Man Trying to Abstain
DEAR ABBY: My paternal grandmother and grandfather were alcoholics. My father and three of his brothers are alcoholics, and so is my maternal grandfather.
I love alcohol and the way it makes me feel. I got scared, so I stopped drinking. I no longer drink even socially. Is it possible that I could become an alcoholic? How would you define one? -- CONCERNED 24-YEAR-OLD
DEAR CONCERNED: Yes, it is possible. There may be a genetic link to alcoholism -– and for that reason you are wise to abstain. You say you "love the way it makes you feel." A specialist in addictions once told me that many alcoholics believe alcohol somehow makes them "complete."
How to define an alcoholic? It's a person who cannot control his or her drinking. An example:
DEAR ABBY: Every year for 15 years, I made the same resolution –- to curtail my drinking. I knew the only way was to stop completely and I was determined to do it on my own. I had a strong will and didn't understand why I couldn't stop. (At times I thought I really didn't want to stop.) Finally, I checked into a hospital and now attend AA meetings.
At one meeting, I heard a definition of "insanity" as doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. It was then that I realized the difficulty I had with battling alcohol was actually my strong will. On one side it was telling me I had to stop (I knew I had to and wanted to), while at the same time it was telling me I couldn't do without it. See the dilemma?
Please, Abby, let readers know that feeling you have a "weak will" or asking for help is NOT a sign of weakness. No one will think less of you for asking. For me, it was well worth it. I haven't had a drink for 39 months and am finally able to enjoy life again. -- LIVING A BETTER LIFE IN DALLAS
DEAR LIVING: Congratulations on your sobriety and your new life. And thank you for a terrific letter. Often the urge to drink isn't the only problem an alcoholic has to overcome. The following letter arrived the same day as yours. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I drink too much. My husband is an enabler with a capital E. He thinks I won't be "fun" anymore if we give up our nightly cocktail hour.
The problem is, I miss my "old self." I feel wretched in the morning. I never wanted to turn out this way. It's a lonely and shameful way to live. Our kids will surely suffer. The guilt is eating me up. Thanks for listening. Can you give me a push? -- REACHING OUT IN ILLINOIS
DEAR REACHING OUT: Here it is. You have no reason to be ashamed. Your husband is capitalizing on your illness (alcoholism IS an illness) and not helping you to be the strong person and better parent you aspire to be. It appears that he, too, has a drinking problem that shouldn't be ignored.
It's time to separate your problem from his. A program that has been extremely helpful to women alcoholics is Women for Sobriety Inc. Established in 1976, it is the first national self-help program for women with drinking problems. The address is P.O. Box 618, Quakertown, PA 18951-0618. The phone number is (215) 536-8026. The Web site is www.womenfor sobriety.org. It offers hundreds of self-help groups nationwide and abroad. Please don't wait.
Tomorrow I'll print the warning signs of alcoholism.
UNACKNOWLEDGED DAD IS EAGER TO RECLAIM HIS PARENTAL RIGHTS
DEAR ABBY: Fifteen years ago when I was single, I got the wife of a friend pregnant. (I'll call her Lily.) Lily was afraid that coming clean with her husband would destroy their marriage, so we both kept quiet and allowed him to think the child was his. A beautiful baby girl was born; they named her "Candice."
Shortly after the birth, Lily, her husband and Candice moved out of state. I couldn't trace them, which meant my child disappeared from my life. I married a local girl, and we have led a quiet, happy life all these years with our two young daughters. I told my wife everything. She was supportive of my desire to find Candice, but we both felt torn about how aggressive the search should be.
A year ago out of the blue, Lily contacted me. She had divorced her husband and married another man who knows that I am her daughter's birth father. Candice is now 14, and the three live only two towns away. Lily and I agreed to meet at a public soccer event where Candice was competing. I was able to finally see my daughter. She looks and acts very much like me -- even to the point of excelling in the same sports I did at her age.
With Lily's permission, I have continued to "show up" at Candice's sporting events, but her mother wants no contact beyond that. Lily has done an excellent job of raising her, and Candice is an "A" student who is socially conscious and well-adjusted.
I am deeply ashamed of the way both Lily and I handled things from the beginning of this girl's life, and feel strongly that I want my daughter to know who I am. I am more than willing to accept financial responsibility. Candice may want to meet her two half-sisters, and she deserves to know the medical history of my side of the family, as there is an unusually high rate of breast cancer.
Lily is dead-set against telling Candice anything, and until now I have respected her wishes. Please give me your opinion on whether my daughter should be told the truth now -- or ever. -- ANXIOUS BIRTH FATHER IN TEXAS
DEAR ANXIOUS BIRTH FATHER: I agree that, if only for medical reasons, Candice should eventually be told the truth. However, because her mother feels so strongly, that may have to wait until she's an adult. It is my belief that children should be told the truth about their parentage as early as possible. Since I may not know all the facts in this case, the girl's mother may have valid reasons for feeling as she does.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 19-year-old female college student who just started a part-time job at a pizza parlor. The one problem I'm facing is my boss keeps staring at my breasts every time we talk. It's very unsettling. How do you suggest I handle this, Abby? I really need to keep my job. -- CO-ED WITH A GAWKING BOSS IN MINNESOTA
DEAR CO-ED: Tell your boss what he's doing makes you uncomfortable. If it continues, start keeping a diary and documenting his behavior. It could qualify as sexual harassment. It's possible that he's also doing it to other young women in his employ.
Remember, there's strength in numbers. If other employees are experiencing the same problem, confront your boss as a group -- or, as a group, report him to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). That should get his attention.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Wife Objects When Copied Key Unlocks Door Once Too Often
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for six months. A few weeks ago, we gave his parents our house key so they could let a plumber in to fix a water leak. Without asking, they copied our house key for themselves. Although we didn't like it, my husband did not make a big thing out of it.
Yesterday, when we returned home from work, it was apparent that someone had been in our bedroom. The computer was left on. We have learned my husband's parents gave our key to my husband's brother, "Joe," who used our computer to go online to access pornographic sites. My husband has expressed his "disappointment" to all of them –- but I am livid. I feel violated, Abby. What should I do? -- OUTRAGED IN OHIO
DEAR OUTRAGED: Change the locks on your doors and change the password on your computer. And next time your faucet leaks, ask someone else to let the plumber in.
DEAR ABBY: While driving home from school with my 13-year-old daughter and her best friend, "Cammy," in the car, Cammy suddenly burst into tears and said, "I feel like killing myself."
The minute we got home I held separate, private conversations with my daughter and her friend. It seems Cammy fells neglected by her parents (they are divorced with shared custody), and she's upset because they both abuse alcohol. Cammy said she has tried to talk to her mom and dad about her feelings, but they "just yell at her."
Abby, I know this family very well. I find it hard to believe that things are as bad as Cammy says. However, a child crying out -– either for help or attention –- deserves both. How should I handle this? -- CONCERNED IN SOUTHERN ILLINOIS
DEAR CONCERNED: Let Cammy know she is always welcome to come to you at any time. Then, in a nonaccusatory way, let her parents know that Cammy is seriously depressed, and needs them now more than ever.
The face that a family presents publicly can be very different from the dynamics going on in private. Whether or not they drink too much, Cammy is feeling emotionally isolated, and that can be considered a form of child abuse.
Alateen might be helpful for her. It's a 12-step fellowship of young people whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. It can be contacted by writing: Al-Anon Family Groups, 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway, Virginia Beach, VA 23454-5617. The toll-free number is (888) 425-2666. The Web site is www.al-anon.alateen.org.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are separated. During the holidays, he had our 17-year-old son with him, and they went out of town for the weekend with a 15-year-old girl.
Abby, the girl's mother had never met either of us until my husband picked up her daughter and chatted with the woman for a few minutes.
I am appalled! What kind of mother would allow her teenage daughter to go away for the weekend with a boy and his father for three nights? -- READER IN PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR READER: A mother who needs her head examined. You have described a recipe for disaster.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)