What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Wife Objects When Copied Key Unlocks Door Once Too Often
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for six months. A few weeks ago, we gave his parents our house key so they could let a plumber in to fix a water leak. Without asking, they copied our house key for themselves. Although we didn't like it, my husband did not make a big thing out of it.
Yesterday, when we returned home from work, it was apparent that someone had been in our bedroom. The computer was left on. We have learned my husband's parents gave our key to my husband's brother, "Joe," who used our computer to go online to access pornographic sites. My husband has expressed his "disappointment" to all of them –- but I am livid. I feel violated, Abby. What should I do? -- OUTRAGED IN OHIO
DEAR OUTRAGED: Change the locks on your doors and change the password on your computer. And next time your faucet leaks, ask someone else to let the plumber in.
DEAR ABBY: While driving home from school with my 13-year-old daughter and her best friend, "Cammy," in the car, Cammy suddenly burst into tears and said, "I feel like killing myself."
The minute we got home I held separate, private conversations with my daughter and her friend. It seems Cammy fells neglected by her parents (they are divorced with shared custody), and she's upset because they both abuse alcohol. Cammy said she has tried to talk to her mom and dad about her feelings, but they "just yell at her."
Abby, I know this family very well. I find it hard to believe that things are as bad as Cammy says. However, a child crying out -– either for help or attention –- deserves both. How should I handle this? -- CONCERNED IN SOUTHERN ILLINOIS
DEAR CONCERNED: Let Cammy know she is always welcome to come to you at any time. Then, in a nonaccusatory way, let her parents know that Cammy is seriously depressed, and needs them now more than ever.
The face that a family presents publicly can be very different from the dynamics going on in private. Whether or not they drink too much, Cammy is feeling emotionally isolated, and that can be considered a form of child abuse.
Alateen might be helpful for her. It's a 12-step fellowship of young people whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. It can be contacted by writing: Al-Anon Family Groups, 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway, Virginia Beach, VA 23454-5617. The toll-free number is (888) 425-2666. The Web site is www.al-anon.alateen.org.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are separated. During the holidays, he had our 17-year-old son with him, and they went out of town for the weekend with a 15-year-old girl.
Abby, the girl's mother had never met either of us until my husband picked up her daughter and chatted with the woman for a few minutes.
I am appalled! What kind of mother would allow her teenage daughter to go away for the weekend with a boy and his father for three nights? -- READER IN PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR READER: A mother who needs her head examined. You have described a recipe for disaster.
MAN WHO CAN'T SAY THE WORDS WRITES VALENTINE FROM HIS HEART
DEAR ABBY: Like many men, I often find myself reticent in the "I love you" department. So I wrote my wife the following poem for Valentine's Day to make up for it. -- ROY HARRIS, NEW BOSTON, TEXAS
DEAR ROY: Not all men have a way with words. I was touched by your sentiments, as I'm sure many of my readers will be.
WHAT MATTERS MOST OF ALL
I go to work and pay the bills
And mow the grass and such.
But when it comes to loving,
I'll admit that I'm not much.
I usually buy you flowers
On your very special days.
I thought that it would make up
For the words I didn't say.
I told you that I'd love you
Until the end of time.
And that I would let you know
If I ever changed my mind.
But that's not what you want to hear
You need more than that.
You want burning passion,
And I'm a little flat.
Life goes on, the days go by,
The months turn into years.
Some are filled with laughter,
Some are filled with tears.
But one thing that will never change
And that's my love for you.
Although I don't express it,
It's honest and it's true.
Lots of things that matter
Some I can't recall,
But having you beside me
Is what matters most of all.
I love you. Happy Valentine's Day.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I just became engaged. After we call our parents to announce our engagement, which family should call the other first -– the bride's or the groom's? Which family should invite the future in-laws' family and the engaged couple out first?
I should mention that both families are Jewish. Is there a tradition, Abby? -- EAGER TO CELEBRATE IN NEW YORK
DEAR EAGER: Religion has nothing to do with it. Traditionally, your fiance's parents should make the first gesture. They can either telephone your parents and plan to get together, or if finances permit, offer to host a tea, dinner or buffet supper. However, this is a flexible rule -– since eventually you will all be family, no one should stand on ceremony. Mazel tov!
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I disagree with the advice you gave to "Afraid to Speak Up in Philly," the woman who resented her husband's mother sitting in the front seat of the car when they went on a long trip.
When we had this situation in our family, I always insisted my mother-in-law have the front seat next to her son for several reasons:
(1) It's a matter of respect.
(2) It gives her a chance to be near her child and maybe give him an affectionate pat during conversation.
(3) And don't forget that age often brings with it impaired hearing, which does not enhance communication from the front seat to the back.
These are precious times for her to be with her son. "Afraid to Speak Up" will have him all to herself when his mother is gone. -- ANN IN SANTA ANA, CALIF.
DEAR ANN: You are not the only reader who wrote to tell me my answer stank. I received hundreds. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my mother was alive and we were in the car with my brother, his wife always sat in the back seat while Mother sat up front. It was easier for her to get in and out. -- BUB IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR ABBY: I have never written to you before, but I had a heartfelt reaction to the woman who complained about her mother-in-law sitting next to her son during the road trip. First of all, I compliment this couple for taking the time to visit and care for the needs of this mother-in-law. Secondly, the Scriptures say, "Honor thy father and mother that it may be well with thee and that thou mayest live long upon the earth." Honor her by allowing her to sit next to her son. The kindness will return to you. Sign me ... LOVE IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER
DEAR ABBY: Your reply to the wife competing with her mother-in-law for seating in the car was wrong! Are these people rednecks with no manners?
If that husband is any kind of gentleman, he will not allow his mother to get into the car without opening and holding her door for her -- like any gentleman does. You advised the woman to tell her mother-in-law to hop in the back. Shame on you! I'm a real man, and a real man is also a gentleman. -- C.S.K., RICHMOND, VA.
DEAR C.S.K.: Mea culpa! I don't know how I missed that.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the wife who resents sitting in the back. If the wife can drive, she should ask her husband to sit in the back and see how HE likes it. -- G.R.W., UNION CITY, N.J.
DEAR ABBY: Why is she complaining about sitting in the back? The passenger seat is known colloquially as the "death seat"! -- SMILING IN THE BACK SEAT
DEAR ABBY: I sense there are other factors at work in that woman's relationship with her mother-in-law than "sitting in the back seat." There may be insecurity or jealousy involved. What's the harm in letting her sit in front? Let her feel she still has a special place in her son's life.
I commend this couple for taking his mother to dinner, shopping, etc. They shouldn't spoil such gestures of thoughtfulness with pettiness. -- BEEN THERE IN HAWAII
DEAR BEEN THERE AND DEAR READERS: So there you have it. I would flagellate with a wet noodle, but I left it in the back seat.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)