For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
No Holiday Cheer for Wife Left Out of Gift Exchange
DEAR ABBY: I had hoped last Christmas would be different, but it turned out to be the same as every other Christmas for the past 14 years. My husband and I always go to his parents' for Christmas dinner, followed by the exchange of gifts. In all the years I've been married to their son, my in-laws have never once included me in the gift exchange.
When we started our family, they were good about giving a gift to each grandchild -- and always to my husband -- but never to me. Trust me, Abby, it's not the gift I care about, it's the fact that they go through this routine in my husband's presence and he never says one word about it.
How should I handle it next year? If I speak up, it could cause a family feud, and dissension between my husband and me. Must I simply resign myself to the fact that this is the way it is? Please tell me what you think. -- EXTREMELY REJECTED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR EXTREMELY REJECTED: For your in-laws to exclude you at Christmas is cruel, insensitive and rude. For your husband to let this go on year after year and say nothing is spineless.
Tell him that unless you can be assured that you'll be treated with the respect you deserve next Christmas, it will be your last with his family -- and you and the children will make other plans.
DEAR ABBY: My 88-year-old mother has vascular dementia, but is still able to live in her own home with 24-hour caregivers. Recently, Mom's sister, "Velda," visited her and asked the caregiver on duty to bring her a silver pitcher from Mother's dining room. Velda told the caregiver, "No one needs to know," and took it.
Of course, the caregiver promptly reported the incident to me, and I picked up the phone and confronted Aunt Velda. At first she denied taking the pitcher -- then she said it had originally belonged to their deceased brother. Then she accused ME of wanting it for myself and ended the conversation by sarcastically saying she thought Mother seemed "fine" to her -- and hung up on me!
What makes this so aggravating is it isn't the first time this has happened. One of my brothers says to forget it. The other is ready to file theft charges. What is the appropriate action, Abby? -- DEVOTED DAUGHTER IN HOUSTON
DEAR DEVOTED DAUGHTER: You are fortunate that your mother's caregiver reported the theft promptly. Instead of filing charges, instruct the caregiver to call you or your brothers the next time "Aunt Velda" shows up at the door.
DEAR ABBY: In a few minutes, I have to start getting dressed. I haven't worn a suit since I buried my older brother last year. In one hour, I'll bury my lovely wife. I'm so glad my son could fly in. I need him so much at this time.
Abby, please urge your women readers to get that Pap smear now. Tell the guys to take them. Don't let them put it off. Cancer is a monster. Just ask anyone who has seen it up close. -- WES IN PHOENIX
DEAR WES: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. Your message is sobering and certainly worth space in my column.
Readers, cancer is often treatable -- if it is caught early. The screening tests that exist today are effective only if they're performed. Please don't gamble with your health by postponing them. (And I'm not just talking about Pap tests!)
MISCARRIAGE ENDS PREGNANCY, BUT NOT TEENS' RELATIONSHIP
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a 15-year-old daughter, "Brandy," who is a pretty good kid. She has caused me very little trouble -- she gets good grades, has well-behaved friends, etc. My problem is she got herself pregnant by her boyfriend of three months. He's a good kid, too. (I'll call him Danny.)
Brandy ended up having a miscarriage, so now we're back to "life as usual," as she and Danny see it. However, I am having a tough time with Danny hanging around. I can no longer look him in the eye. His parents were no help at all during the hellish week we experienced when Brandy was pregnant.
Should I allow Danny to keep dating my daughter or send him packing? I feel caught in the middle. As a parent, I feel I should put a stop to the relationship. However, if I do, I'm afraid Brandy might run away. (I remember well how I felt when I was her age.) Please help, Abby. -- TORN MOM IN OHIO
DEAR TORN MOM: Consider this near-miss a wakeup call! You are overdue for a serious talk with Danny and his parents, because had the pregnancy continued, Danny would have been equally responsible for caring for and supporting his child.
It's time to face up to the fact that your children are now sexually active. Worry less that your daughter will run away, and more about what will happen if she and Danny conceive again.
Danny and Brandy must learn that sex carries with it great responsibility -- one that can sometimes last 18 years or more. Further, there is the danger of sexually transmitted disease to be considered. I urge you to schedule a doctor's appointment for both of them. If that's not possible, contact Planned Parenthood. Brandy and Danny need to learn everything they can about birth control and self-control.
DEAR ABBY: This Christmas, I received a beautiful gold necklace as a gift from my father. However, the pendant is in the shape of a religious symbol. I understand it may have been unclear to him that I feel reluctant to wear such a necklace, but in good conscience, I cannot because I follow a different faith.
Should I exchange it, or keep it and never wear it? I do not want to offend my dad, as he is my birth father and we met only recently. Since we are in the beginning of our relationship, I don't want to mess it up.
On the other hand, it seems a waste to own jewelry that is never worn -- and I'm sure he'd notice. Please help me, Abby. If I exchange the necklace, there's a 100-day limit. -- VEXED IN VEGAS
DEAR VEXED: Write your father a note. Thank him for his thoughtfulness and generosity. Explain why you want to exchange the necklace. Your reason is a valid one. It's possible that, since you are just getting to know each other, he's unaware your religious beliefs differ from his.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Ted," beats me up bad. It's not me I'm worried about -- it's our 4-month-old baby girl. Ted threatens to kill me and the baby if I leave. He hits, slaps and kicks me almost daily. Please help me. -- DESPERATE IN ITHACA, N.Y.
DEAR DESPERATE: Call the Domestic Violence Hotline. The toll-free number is 1-800-799-7233. Tell the counselor who answers what you have written to me. He or she will help you to formulate an escape plan. For your daughter's sake, please don't wait.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
PROBLEMS IN HUMAN RELATIONS TRANSLATE TO EVERY LANGUAGE
DEAR ABBY: I was surprised at the letter from the reader in Harpers Ferry, W.Va., who feels using your column to teach English as a second language might send the wrong message about the United States.
You were right on the money when you said that "See Spot Run" and cartoon-like depictions no longer hold the interest of adult learners. I am a professor of English in France and often use your column to teach adult conversational English. My students find the exercise a fun and interesting way to practice English. Judging by their responses, the problems in your column are in no way unique to the U.S. -- SHARI YOUNGBLOOD, PARIS, FRANCE
DEAR SHARI: I was heartened by the number of letters I received from readers who wanted to defend the column. Thank you for yours. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I teach a writing class at a teacher's college. Your column transcends national boundaries. I took special delight when you expressed best wishes to your Muslim readers at the end of Ramadan. Your column shows America to the world, and because of your sage advice, the wisdom displayed and your evident sympathy -- indeed, that shown by your readers as well -- you present America at its best. -- JACK DUNSTER, LUBLIN, POLAND
DEAR JACK: It is a given that my readers are people who are interested in, and care about, one another.
DEAR ABBY: I have been teaching English in Korea for several months. Every country in the world struggles with the same moral issues that we do. Am I supposed to give my adult students Mother Goose stories? -- DEREK DENTON, SEOUL
DEAR DEREK: Certainly not. To teach successfully, one must hold the student's interest.
DEAR ABBY: I am an English teacher. The reader from Harpers Ferry cites "sibling rivalry, spousal mistrust and sexual abuse" among things your column supposedly promotes. As you pointed out, discussion and promotion are two entirely different things. If we are to stick solely to British and American "classics" to teach English, take a closer look: There's sibling rivalry in the works of Louisa May Alcott, Jane Austen and Emily Bronte, to name a few. Spousal mistrust is featured in "Hamlet," Fitzgerald's "The Great Gatsby," and anything written by Steinbeck or Hemingway. And look no further than "The Scarlet Letter" if you want to talk about sexual dysfunction and abuse.
I won't even begin to address the woman's ridiculous act of placing "homosexuality" on her list of social ills. -- BARBARA BORTOT, MINNESOTA
DEAR BARBARA: It's usually those topics people are afraid to discuss that need to be talked about the most.
DEAR ABBY: Your column consistently uses a few well-chosen -- often eloquent -- words to say a great deal on a vast array of topics, typically with grace, wit, style, and a uniquely American use of irony to drive home a point. Equally important, you treat all of your readers with compassion and dignity and call upon them to treat others accordingly.
"Harpers Ferry" gave the Dear Abby column an R-rating. In my book, any teacher smart enough to recognize the column as an effective teaching tool to help others understand and communicate what it really means to be an American, gets an A-plus. -- GEORGE MARCELLE, LOS ANGELES
DEAR GEORGE: Thank you for beautifully articulating the Dear Abby philosophy.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)