For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I recently discovered I am a lesbian. Unfortunately, I am already pregnant with my boyfriend's baby. We were both drunk when this happened, and it was a horrible mistake. My parents nearly disowned me when they realized I was going to have a child. (We are devout Christians.)
I don't know how they'll react when I tell them I am a lesbian. Abby, I am afraid to tell them and don't know how. Please help me find a way. -- TEENAGE LESBIAN IN COLORADO
DEAR TEEN: Stop dwelling on yourself for a moment. Although the teen years are supposed to be a time of self-discovery, it's time you got off the fast track for a while. Your parents are shell-shocked enough as it is, and you have serious responsibilities ahead. After your baby arrives, my intuition tells me you'll be too busy for much of a sex life (homosexual or heterosexual).
Once your family has stabilized again, there is still time to come out to your family. Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (P-FLAG) can provide you with literature that will make it easier to talk to them. P-FLAG can also offer the emotional support they will need. The address is: 1726 M St. NW, Suite 400, Washington, D.C., 20036. The Web site is www.pflag.org.
DEAR ABBY: I have a serious anger problem. When my fiance and I first met, it was love at first sight. But after six months, everything he does seems to tick me off.
In the beginning, I didn't show him my ugly side. I didn't want to scare him off. Then he said he wanted me to be more open, so I let it all out. Now I'm letting it out every single day. I get mad when he does or says the same things I do or say to him, and I'll isolate myself or give him the silent treatment.
I think I have a serious mental and/or anger problem, but I don't know where it comes from. Everybody thinks I'm crazy. They say, "I don't know when you're happy or mad because you have the same expression."
Maybe they're right. Maybe I'm not happy because I haven't accomplished anything in my life. (I am only 22.) Please help me. -- LASHING OUT IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR LASHING OUT: You are only 22. It's too early to declare yourself a failure. However, it is difficult to be loving to others if you don't like yourself.
Before you and your fiance go any further, you must get to the root of what is really bothering you. A call to your local department of social services or mental health association will help you locate a counselor you can afford. A course in anger management would also be helpful for both of you. Please don't wait. You have a right to be happy.
DEAR ABBY: Please inform your readers that if their child is enlisting in the armed services or plans to go overseas, the parents should also get passports.
Our son left to serve in Iraq. He is now in Germany for medical reasons, and we cannot get to him.
Passports take six weeks to process. They can be expedited for a hefty fee, but they still take two weeks to arrive. -- LEARNED LATE IN WEST LAFAYETTE, OHIO
DEAR LEARNED: That's a helpful suggestion, and I'll pass it along.
P.S. Your son is in my prayers. Please let me know how he's doing.
Choosing Between Brothers Is Tearing Woman in Two
DEAR ABBY: I met my boyfriend, "Ray," three years ago. We have a great relationship. We are best friends and lovers. He wants us to marry and start a family soon.
My problem is I find myself lusting after Ray's brother, "Tim." Ray introduced me to Tim about six months after we met. Ever since, I have asked myself, "Have I picked the right brother?" I stuck with Ray because I felt morally obligated.
Tim has tried to express his feelings to me and pursue things, but I ignore him or change the subject. It's not because I want to, but I feel it wouldn't be right.
I am strongly attracted to Tim. I know it's wrong, but he's all I can think about. Please help. -- LOST IN LUST
DEAR LOST: Since your infatuation with Tim has lasted 2 1/2 years, it's safe to say that it's not a passing fancy. In fairness to all concerned, it's time to tell Ray that you are better friends than lovers and break off the relationship. He deserves a wife who is sure he's Mr. Right -- not Mr. Right's brother.
Once you are a free woman, for the sake of family harmony, you and Tim should refrain from starting a relationship for at least six months –- or until Ray finds another love interest. It's important that you be patient. If you jump the gun, it could cause a permanent rift in the family.
DEAR ABBY: I am an "A" student in high school and an amateur figure skater. My problem is I can't live up to my mother's standards.
When I spend all day on a school project so I can get as high a grade as possible, she yells at me for not helping her around the house and claims she could've done the same project in an hour. If I get even three points off on a school exam, she gets angry and says that I made stupid mistakes and would've gotten a perfect score if I'd studied harder. If I mop the floor, she'll yell if even the tiniest speck of dirt remains. If I polish the railing, she yells that I should do something else because the railing didn't need it. If I show her what I'm sketching for art class, she belittles it. You get the picture.
I've tried to talk to her and to walk away from fights, but she'll yell from the other end of the house or come to my bedroom door and berate me. I want a loving relationship with my mom. I've tried everything I can think of because I'm so tired of the fighting. What's your advice? -- TIRED OF FIGHTING IN LAWRENCE, N.Y.
DEAR TIRED OF FIGHTING: You are describing verbal abuse. It's possible that your mother is experiencing pressures or problems of her own and is venting on you because you are handy. Is your father in the picture? If he is, what does he think about this?
If you are being raised by a single parent, confide what's going on to your father or a close adult relative who can intercede on your behalf.
If this is new behavior, she should be evaluated by her doctor. If it is not, perhaps you should be living with your father or another relative.
A constant barrage of criticism from a parent who is impossible to please can cause lasting damage. If there is no relative in whom to confide, talk to a trusted teacher or the parent of a close friend. I wish you luck and success.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Teen Hesitates Before Telling Parents She's Sexually Active Dear Abby: I Was Wondering if You Had Any Advice for a Teenager (Who Is 16) About Telling Her Parents That She and Her Boyfriend (Of Nine Months) Have Become Sexually Active?
Both of her parents are really protective, and she is not sure how to break it to them. She knows they have the right to know, and I want to tell them –- but how? -- AT A LOSS FOR WORDS, IN LAFAYETTE, LA.
DEAR AT A LOSS: "She" should ask her mother to make an appointment for her with a gynecologist because she needs to be put on birth control and also to learn what she needs to know about sexually transmitted diseases. It will be a shocker, but it is also the truth. If you are mature enough to be having sex, you must be mature enough to handle the consequences.
Anyone who is sexually active must have regular gynecological and/or urological examinations to ensure that she (or he) hasn't unknowingly picked up an STD. (To ignore an STD is to risk becoming sterile, and can be fatal.) Please don't put this off.
DEAR ABBY: Before he met me, my husband, "Stan," was involved with a crazy, alcoholic, self-centered woman. "Evelyn" has never been married, but she acts like she is Stan's ex-wife. She has never accepted the fact that he married me and not her.
She began making frequent crank calls to me at work shortly after the wedding. She follows me when I am alone. She has told everyone that Stan is impotent and has slandered my children. She even stole our family portrait from a studio that displayed it.
How can I get this crazy woman to leave me alone? I need help. -- STALKED IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR STALKED: You have my sympathy. She appears to be unbalanced. Notify the police that you are being stalked and obtain a restraining order. Then notify the phone company about the unwanted calls. If they can be traced to her, it is further proof of her harassment -– and there is a way to block them.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Dale" for nearly two years. I am 32, he is 29, and he is everything my husband wasn't. Dale is wonderful to me and even more so to my two young daughters. He comforts us when we're sad. He takes care of us when we're sick. He even handles our finances and is always there for me regardless of the situation. He is a very romantic person who always makes me feel special.
My problem? He cannot carry on an intellectual conversation. He also lacks some language skills and doesn't always make "adult" decisions. In other words, although he's perfect in every other way, he lacks the mentality of a man his age.
Should I let him go? Sometimes I feel he may not be the one for me because he's not as smart as I think he should be. -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN TEXAS
DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: Ideally, when people "couple up" they do it with individuals whose strengths compensate for their weaknesses. For many women, Dale's positive qualities would be enough, and he would be considered a prize. However, because intellectual accomplishment ranks high on your list of priorities, by all means let Dale go so he can find a woman who will love him for who he is, and you can find a partner who is more intellectually stimulating. You do not appear to be in love with him.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)