To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Choosing Between Brothers Is Tearing Woman in Two
DEAR ABBY: I met my boyfriend, "Ray," three years ago. We have a great relationship. We are best friends and lovers. He wants us to marry and start a family soon.
My problem is I find myself lusting after Ray's brother, "Tim." Ray introduced me to Tim about six months after we met. Ever since, I have asked myself, "Have I picked the right brother?" I stuck with Ray because I felt morally obligated.
Tim has tried to express his feelings to me and pursue things, but I ignore him or change the subject. It's not because I want to, but I feel it wouldn't be right.
I am strongly attracted to Tim. I know it's wrong, but he's all I can think about. Please help. -- LOST IN LUST
DEAR LOST: Since your infatuation with Tim has lasted 2 1/2 years, it's safe to say that it's not a passing fancy. In fairness to all concerned, it's time to tell Ray that you are better friends than lovers and break off the relationship. He deserves a wife who is sure he's Mr. Right -- not Mr. Right's brother.
Once you are a free woman, for the sake of family harmony, you and Tim should refrain from starting a relationship for at least six months –- or until Ray finds another love interest. It's important that you be patient. If you jump the gun, it could cause a permanent rift in the family.
DEAR ABBY: I am an "A" student in high school and an amateur figure skater. My problem is I can't live up to my mother's standards.
When I spend all day on a school project so I can get as high a grade as possible, she yells at me for not helping her around the house and claims she could've done the same project in an hour. If I get even three points off on a school exam, she gets angry and says that I made stupid mistakes and would've gotten a perfect score if I'd studied harder. If I mop the floor, she'll yell if even the tiniest speck of dirt remains. If I polish the railing, she yells that I should do something else because the railing didn't need it. If I show her what I'm sketching for art class, she belittles it. You get the picture.
I've tried to talk to her and to walk away from fights, but she'll yell from the other end of the house or come to my bedroom door and berate me. I want a loving relationship with my mom. I've tried everything I can think of because I'm so tired of the fighting. What's your advice? -- TIRED OF FIGHTING IN LAWRENCE, N.Y.
DEAR TIRED OF FIGHTING: You are describing verbal abuse. It's possible that your mother is experiencing pressures or problems of her own and is venting on you because you are handy. Is your father in the picture? If he is, what does he think about this?
If you are being raised by a single parent, confide what's going on to your father or a close adult relative who can intercede on your behalf.
If this is new behavior, she should be evaluated by her doctor. If it is not, perhaps you should be living with your father or another relative.
A constant barrage of criticism from a parent who is impossible to please can cause lasting damage. If there is no relative in whom to confide, talk to a trusted teacher or the parent of a close friend. I wish you luck and success.
Teen Hesitates Before Telling Parents She's Sexually Active Dear Abby: I Was Wondering if You Had Any Advice for a Teenager (Who Is 16) About Telling Her Parents That She and Her Boyfriend (Of Nine Months) Have Become Sexually Active?
Both of her parents are really protective, and she is not sure how to break it to them. She knows they have the right to know, and I want to tell them –- but how? -- AT A LOSS FOR WORDS, IN LAFAYETTE, LA.
DEAR AT A LOSS: "She" should ask her mother to make an appointment for her with a gynecologist because she needs to be put on birth control and also to learn what she needs to know about sexually transmitted diseases. It will be a shocker, but it is also the truth. If you are mature enough to be having sex, you must be mature enough to handle the consequences.
Anyone who is sexually active must have regular gynecological and/or urological examinations to ensure that she (or he) hasn't unknowingly picked up an STD. (To ignore an STD is to risk becoming sterile, and can be fatal.) Please don't put this off.
DEAR ABBY: Before he met me, my husband, "Stan," was involved with a crazy, alcoholic, self-centered woman. "Evelyn" has never been married, but she acts like she is Stan's ex-wife. She has never accepted the fact that he married me and not her.
She began making frequent crank calls to me at work shortly after the wedding. She follows me when I am alone. She has told everyone that Stan is impotent and has slandered my children. She even stole our family portrait from a studio that displayed it.
How can I get this crazy woman to leave me alone? I need help. -- STALKED IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR STALKED: You have my sympathy. She appears to be unbalanced. Notify the police that you are being stalked and obtain a restraining order. Then notify the phone company about the unwanted calls. If they can be traced to her, it is further proof of her harassment -– and there is a way to block them.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Dale" for nearly two years. I am 32, he is 29, and he is everything my husband wasn't. Dale is wonderful to me and even more so to my two young daughters. He comforts us when we're sad. He takes care of us when we're sick. He even handles our finances and is always there for me regardless of the situation. He is a very romantic person who always makes me feel special.
My problem? He cannot carry on an intellectual conversation. He also lacks some language skills and doesn't always make "adult" decisions. In other words, although he's perfect in every other way, he lacks the mentality of a man his age.
Should I let him go? Sometimes I feel he may not be the one for me because he's not as smart as I think he should be. -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN TEXAS
DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: Ideally, when people "couple up" they do it with individuals whose strengths compensate for their weaknesses. For many women, Dale's positive qualities would be enough, and he would be considered a prize. However, because intellectual accomplishment ranks high on your list of priorities, by all means let Dale go so he can find a woman who will love him for who he is, and you can find a partner who is more intellectually stimulating. You do not appear to be in love with him.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
SANTA GETS GOOD RECEPTION IN ONE YOUNG ADULT'S HOUSE
DEAR ABBY: One day when my son was 8, he came home from school and announced, "Mommy, I know there's no Santa Claus!" The day I had dreaded was finally here.
I asked him why he believed that. He explained that his cousin, "Jason," had told him there was no such thing.
I looked him straight in the eye and, not knowing what else to say, said, "If you don't believe, you won't receive. NOW do you believe in Santa Claus?"
"Yes," he said.
The subject was not mentioned again until the next year, when I again asked him if he believed in Santa Claus. He piped up with, "Of course I believe in Santa Claus." We have repeated this scenario every year.
My son is now 22, and he still believes in Santa because you are never too old to believe in Santa Claus. -- PAM IN FLORIDA
DEAR PAM: Cousin Jason was a weasel, and I applaud your success in keeping a cherished tradition alive for your son. With an incentive like that, I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't also still believe in the Tooth Fairy.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to send a heartfelt thank-you to my guardian angel.
My boyfriend, "Geoff," invited me to join him for a weekend during a two-week business trip to California. We had a wonderful time.
Monday morning, I returned my rental car at the airport and checked my luggage. An hour before my plane was to depart, I heard myself paged over the intercom. I answered the call and heard Geoff's panicked voice. He had been unable to call my cell phone because the battery had run down. He had left the keys to his rental car in mine and had to get to work.
I ran back to the counter to book a later flight, but since I had already checked my luggage, it was impossible.
I had $1 in change in my pocket. I called the car rental company from a pay phone and they gave me the runaround. I began crying in frustration when a woman sitting nearby handed me her cell phone and said, "Here. Call whomever you need." I was speechless. I gratefully took her phone and called the car rental company back. They located Geoff's keys and agreed to deliver them.
When I handed the woman her phone, she said, "Now, call your boyfriend." I'll never forget her sympathy and generosity.
If she reads this, she'll know who she is. Thank you -- and God bless you for your kindness! -- GRATEFUL TO MY GUARDIAN ANGEL
DEAR GRATEFUL: At last! A positive story about someone with a cell phone. The woman who helped you was indeed an "angel." These days, many people prefer not to get involved when they see someone in a predicament. My hat is off to her.
DEAR ABBY: My son and his girlfriend have invited my wife and me to meet her parents for brunch at a restaurant in their home state 2 1/2 hours away.
My question: Who should pay the bill? The young couple, her parents -- or should the bill be split three ways? -- UNSURE IN UTAH
DEAR UNSURE: The people who do the inviting usually pick up the tab. When the check arrives, let it sit on the table for a minute or two. If your son and his girlfriend do not pick it up, then consider suggesting that the bill be split among the older generation.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)