What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: "Kirk" and I have been together for more than three years, and last year he asked me to marry him. We have yet to set a date because we don't want to rush into anything. I am 25; he's 24.
Ninety-five percent of the time, we are happy. He calls out of the blue just to say he loves me. I write him love letters. He blows me kisses from across the room.
My only concern is, we have had two fights that became mildly physical, and I'm afraid of repeating my parents' mistakes. When I was a child, Dad hit Mom more than once. (My brother and I would hide in our rooms and hear her scream for us.) They finally divorced when I was in high school.
My last fight with Kirk was over a pregnancy scare. I had missed a couple of birth control pills, so I got the "morning-after" pill and took it. Kirk refused to believe I had taken it. At the breakfast table, he became furious and smashed the TV remote control.
It's not the first time he's thrown a temper tantrum. When he does, I always cringe. Then he gets over it and I clean up the mess. But this time, I was mad, too, so I smashed my cereal bowl on the floor. Well, it bounced and landed on his head! Blood poured everywhere. He was so frightened he called 911. They wanted to arrest me, but Kirk told them it was an accident.
I didn't mean to hit him, although my mom says maybe I did.
Kirk took all his things with him when he went to the hospital for stitches, then went to stay at his brother's. The next day when I saw him, he hugged me and said, "You have a sick baby to take care of." He said he had been in so much pain he hadn't had time to get mad.
I feel terrible. If he'd done this to me, I would never see him again. (Although once he did hit my head against the car window while he was driving.)
In my heart I know I didn't mean to hurt him, but nobody believes me. I should not have lost my temper. I know if I control myself and don't get mad over petty things, he will also be OK.
If he decides we should keep seeing each other, do you think it will work? -- LOST MY TEMPER IN CHULA VISTA
DEAR LOST: Your mother has spoken with the voice of experience, so pay attention. Young love may be tempestuous, but it is not supposed to leave you black-and-blue or with stitches. There are healthier, more constructive ways to deal with anger.
Unless you and Kirk learn to control your tempers in an adult and civilized fashion, you will repeat your parents' mistakes. As much as you may care for each other, it is vital you both get anger management counseling before you live together again. Please don't wait. Your problems will escalate if you ignore this issue.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
"If a diplomat says yes, he means maybe.
"If a diplomat says maybe, he means no.
"If a diplomat says no, he ain't no diplomat!" -- Andre Gabor
DEAR READERS: Carols fill the air, our halls have been decked with boughs of holly and the Christmas trees are decorated. Yule logs have been kindled, and Santa's on his way. In Jewish homes, Hanukkah candles burn brightly, and Kwanzaa begins in less than a week. 'Tis the season to be jolly -- a time when thoughts turn homeward to loved ones and holidays past.
This is also the time of year that's hardest for our young men and women in the military, stationed far from home -- many for the first time. Most of them are between the ages of 18 and 22, and while we folks back home are fighting the crowds in shopping centers, they are dodging bullets and car bombs.
So, please, dear readers, you are the most generous people in the world. Remember our troops. They need our support. Go to your computer, type in www.OperationDearAbby.net, and send these brave, dedicated young people heartfelt holiday greetings today. They deserve our thanks, our prayers ... and much more.
DEAR ABBY: After 30 years of marriage, my husband, "Allan," began an affair with a young woman in his office. I was devastated, and our three children and two grandchildren were all affected.
I made up my mind not to become revengeful or bitter. I realized that Allan no longer loved me or he wouldn't have left. I returned to school, got a part-time job, and did the best I could to keep things smooth for my youngest daughter, who still lived at home.
I am now working full time and loving it. I have met some nice men at church, but I now have serious trust issues, so I prefer to go it alone.
The children's relationship with Allan is still strained. He now has Alzheimer's and needs them, but they cannot forgive him for destroying our family.
Abby, do people who have affairs with married men or women ever consider the pain that is left in their wake? -- STILL RECOVERING IN HOUSTON
DEAR STILL RECOVERING: Rarely. I think it's safe to say that there's a distinct lack of empathy. They justify or rationalize their behavior by convincing themselves that the injured party somehow deserves the pain.
DEAR ABBY: A good friend of mine, "Robert," recently returned from a three-week vacation. When he left, he had hardly any hair. When he returned, he had a full head of hair. It is blatantly obvious that he got a hairpiece.
Would it be rude to compliment him on his "new" hair? If he had gotten new glasses we would all compliment him on those. But how do you go about complimenting someone's new hair? -- TRYING TO BE A GOOD FRIEND IN AKRON, OHIO
DEAR FRIEND: It is an extremely delicate subject. You might want to approach it as if you're hugging a porcupine -- very gently. Say, "Gee, you look rested. You look great." And leave it at that. He'll get the message, and you won't ruffle his feathers or anything else.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Barking Dog Meets Its Match in Broadcast of 'Jingle Bells' Dear Abby: Oh, What a Wonderful Time of Year! The Air Is Filled With Christmas Songs From "White Christmas" by Bing Crosby to "Jingle Bells" by The Barking Dogs.
In my neighborhood, we've had a problem with one neighbor's dog barking all night. Several of us tried to ask the owner to please do something about it. Our pleas fell on deaf ears.
We tolerated it until recently. After hearing "Jingle Bells" by the Barking Dogs, four of us neighbors had an idea.
During our weekly card game, I made the comment, "If I had an outside sound system, I'd play the Barking Dogs' 'Jingle Bells' each night when the dog barks." I was making a joke, but my card buddies took me up on it. "Rick" has outdoor speakers, "Barney" has an old PA system, "Art" volunteered to set it up, and I was to get the record or tape of "Jingle Bells."
Three days later, everything was set up and ready. When the dog started its barking around 1 a.m., I reached over, turned on the PA system and played "Jingle Bells." The dog shut up! Two hours later, the barking resumed. Again I turned on the PA system. I know my neighbors were rolling over laughing as much as I was.
The next day, I took my daily jog around the neighborhood. The dog owner was outside and I stopped to say hello. He asked me if I had heard the dogs barking "Jingle Bells." I told him, yes, and I was happy to hear them do it in harmony. Then I added, "I wonder if they'll keep it up during the year -- say, New Year's and Easter." He said, "I hope not!"
Needless to say, it took only two more nights before he got the message. Yesterday, when I stopped by his place, he told me he had found a better home for his dog, with a loving child to play with.
Our poker game has the record of the Barking Dogs framed on the wall to remind us of the miracles of Christmas. Woof, woof -- and a Merry Christmas to you and yours. -- SANTA'S HELPERS IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SANTA'S HELPERS: Ho! Ho! Ho! I particularly like the fact that there is a happy ending for all concerned, including the dog -- and I'll bet your letter stimulates record sales.
P.S. Now that the neighborhood is quiet again, why not send the former dog owner a CD of "Silent Night"?
DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Claudine," and I have been married for 25 years, and two of our four children still live at home with us. In the past, Claudine has complained to me that I am not very romantic. She said that romance needs to start way before we close the bedroom door. In the last year, she has stopped saying anything about this to me, but our love life has been affected.
I hold Claudine's hand when we go places and I always kiss her before I leave for work. What more can I do to get her interested in me again? -- WANTS MORE IN SANTA ANA, CALIF.
DEAR WANTS: There is more to romance than holding a woman's hand when you go places and kissing her when you leave for work.
Try this: Compliment her on her appearance. Thank her when she does something special for you. Call her just to say "I love you." Take her to a hotel or motel for the weekend so you can be alone. Buy her a little gift or send flowers "because she's the most beautiful woman in the world." And if that doesn't do it -- have her hormones checked.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)