For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR READERS: Carols fill the air, our halls have been decked with boughs of holly and the Christmas trees are decorated. Yule logs have been kindled, and Santa's on his way. In Jewish homes, Hanukkah candles burn brightly, and Kwanzaa begins in less than a week. 'Tis the season to be jolly -- a time when thoughts turn homeward to loved ones and holidays past.
This is also the time of year that's hardest for our young men and women in the military, stationed far from home -- many for the first time. Most of them are between the ages of 18 and 22, and while we folks back home are fighting the crowds in shopping centers, they are dodging bullets and car bombs.
So, please, dear readers, you are the most generous people in the world. Remember our troops. They need our support. Go to your computer, type in www.OperationDearAbby.net, and send these brave, dedicated young people heartfelt holiday greetings today. They deserve our thanks, our prayers ... and much more.
DEAR ABBY: After 30 years of marriage, my husband, "Allan," began an affair with a young woman in his office. I was devastated, and our three children and two grandchildren were all affected.
I made up my mind not to become revengeful or bitter. I realized that Allan no longer loved me or he wouldn't have left. I returned to school, got a part-time job, and did the best I could to keep things smooth for my youngest daughter, who still lived at home.
I am now working full time and loving it. I have met some nice men at church, but I now have serious trust issues, so I prefer to go it alone.
The children's relationship with Allan is still strained. He now has Alzheimer's and needs them, but they cannot forgive him for destroying our family.
Abby, do people who have affairs with married men or women ever consider the pain that is left in their wake? -- STILL RECOVERING IN HOUSTON
DEAR STILL RECOVERING: Rarely. I think it's safe to say that there's a distinct lack of empathy. They justify or rationalize their behavior by convincing themselves that the injured party somehow deserves the pain.
DEAR ABBY: A good friend of mine, "Robert," recently returned from a three-week vacation. When he left, he had hardly any hair. When he returned, he had a full head of hair. It is blatantly obvious that he got a hairpiece.
Would it be rude to compliment him on his "new" hair? If he had gotten new glasses we would all compliment him on those. But how do you go about complimenting someone's new hair? -- TRYING TO BE A GOOD FRIEND IN AKRON, OHIO
DEAR FRIEND: It is an extremely delicate subject. You might want to approach it as if you're hugging a porcupine -- very gently. Say, "Gee, you look rested. You look great." And leave it at that. He'll get the message, and you won't ruffle his feathers or anything else.
Barking Dog Meets Its Match in Broadcast of 'Jingle Bells' Dear Abby: Oh, What a Wonderful Time of Year! The Air Is Filled With Christmas Songs From "White Christmas" by Bing Crosby to "Jingle Bells" by The Barking Dogs.
In my neighborhood, we've had a problem with one neighbor's dog barking all night. Several of us tried to ask the owner to please do something about it. Our pleas fell on deaf ears.
We tolerated it until recently. After hearing "Jingle Bells" by the Barking Dogs, four of us neighbors had an idea.
During our weekly card game, I made the comment, "If I had an outside sound system, I'd play the Barking Dogs' 'Jingle Bells' each night when the dog barks." I was making a joke, but my card buddies took me up on it. "Rick" has outdoor speakers, "Barney" has an old PA system, "Art" volunteered to set it up, and I was to get the record or tape of "Jingle Bells."
Three days later, everything was set up and ready. When the dog started its barking around 1 a.m., I reached over, turned on the PA system and played "Jingle Bells." The dog shut up! Two hours later, the barking resumed. Again I turned on the PA system. I know my neighbors were rolling over laughing as much as I was.
The next day, I took my daily jog around the neighborhood. The dog owner was outside and I stopped to say hello. He asked me if I had heard the dogs barking "Jingle Bells." I told him, yes, and I was happy to hear them do it in harmony. Then I added, "I wonder if they'll keep it up during the year -- say, New Year's and Easter." He said, "I hope not!"
Needless to say, it took only two more nights before he got the message. Yesterday, when I stopped by his place, he told me he had found a better home for his dog, with a loving child to play with.
Our poker game has the record of the Barking Dogs framed on the wall to remind us of the miracles of Christmas. Woof, woof -- and a Merry Christmas to you and yours. -- SANTA'S HELPERS IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SANTA'S HELPERS: Ho! Ho! Ho! I particularly like the fact that there is a happy ending for all concerned, including the dog -- and I'll bet your letter stimulates record sales.
P.S. Now that the neighborhood is quiet again, why not send the former dog owner a CD of "Silent Night"?
DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Claudine," and I have been married for 25 years, and two of our four children still live at home with us. In the past, Claudine has complained to me that I am not very romantic. She said that romance needs to start way before we close the bedroom door. In the last year, she has stopped saying anything about this to me, but our love life has been affected.
I hold Claudine's hand when we go places and I always kiss her before I leave for work. What more can I do to get her interested in me again? -- WANTS MORE IN SANTA ANA, CALIF.
DEAR WANTS: There is more to romance than holding a woman's hand when you go places and kissing her when you leave for work.
Try this: Compliment her on her appearance. Thank her when she does something special for you. Call her just to say "I love you." Take her to a hotel or motel for the weekend so you can be alone. Buy her a little gift or send flowers "because she's the most beautiful woman in the world." And if that doesn't do it -- have her hormones checked.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I have been hopelessly in love with the father of my baby, "Alan," for three years. I know Alan loves me even though he can't commit. I am also very close to his parents.
I have reached the point where I accept that it's time for me to move on, even though I would prefer to spend the rest of my life with him.
The problem is, Alan's parents think of me as family. They are very religious. I know they must have picked up on some of the friction that's happening between us. They keep saying that things will work out if we just stay in prayer.
I desperately want to have a heart-to-heart talk with Alan's mom so she understands that it's no one's fault and there should be no hard feelings.
How can I explain without hurting them that maybe it's best for everyone if I don't come around during family gatherings? Please help. -- CONFUSED AND IN LOVE IN TEXAS
DEAR CONFUSED: I, too, believe in the power of prayer, but in your case it's time to move on. Do not allow yourself to be made to feel guilty and accept the status quo.
Have the heart-to-heart talk with Alan's mother. Say sweetly but directly, "I love you and I love your son. You will always be this child's grandparents. But I need a husband who will help me to raise your grandchild, and Alan is unable to commit."
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 27-year-old guy, and I'm involved with an older woman I'll call Carmen.
Carmen has three daughters from previous relationships. I have no authority over them, and they show me no respect. Even though they talk rudely to me, I'm supposed to accept it. Carmen demands everything be done her way, and I have no voice in anything that happens in my home.
Carmen's youngest daughter, "Talia," recently got a kitten. We agreed it would not be kept in the house because I am allergic to cats. I make my living as a singer, and if I can't breathe, I can't earn money to support us. I've explained this to all the girls, but no one seems to care as long as they get what they want. Talia whines, and the cat is inside. What should I do? -- DESPERATE IN INDIANA
DEAR DESPERATE: If the house belongs to you, lay down the law. The cat goes, or they all go. If the house belongs to Carmen, read the handwriting on the wall of "your" home, and make other living arrangements pronto. Your health and your career depend on it.
DEAR ABBY: I broke my engagement to my fiancee, "Shirley," recently. I am sad, but I know it's better to have ended it now, rather than have a divorce down the road.
The engagement ring and wedding bands are back in my possession, and I would like to "dispose" of them because they are painful reminders of our failed relationship. How can I salvage some of my investment? It is no longer possible to return them to the jeweler, and a pawn shop will never give me their full value. Any suggestions? -- TRYING TO MOVE ON IN CHICAGO
DEAR TRYING TO MOVE ON: Have the rings appraised. Get the appraisal in writing. Take it to your accountant and discuss donating them to a charity. You may take a loss, but consider it "tuition" in the school of experience.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)